Why Do They Stay: The Complex Reality of Leaving Abuse

Understanding the real reasons people don’t “just leave” an abusive relationship

“I stayed because he said he’d kill our dog. Because I had no money. Because my daughter begged me not to break up our family”

This is the kind of answer you’ll hear when you ask a survivor why they stayed. It’s rarely simple, and never about weakness.

For those of us who work in domestic and sexual violence, there's one question we hear again and again:

“But why doesn’t she leave?”

This question isn’t just frustrating. It’s harmful.
It suggests that leaving is easy and that staying is a choice made out of foolishness, co-dependency, or weakness.

And perhaps most dangerously, it shifts the focus away from the abuser’s behaviour and onto the survivor’s perceived failure to escape.

Let’s be clear:
Abuse is never your fault. And leaving isn’t always safe, simple, or possible.

Leaving isn’t always as simple as finding the exit.

10 Common Barriers to Leaving an Abusive Relationship

These are just some of the reasons survivors stay, these reasons may not be obvious unless you’ve walked in their shoes.

1. Fear, Threats and Retaliation

• Retaliation and Intimidation: Abusers may threaten to harm or kill the survivor, their children, pets, or family if they try to leave. These threats are often real and followed through.

• Escalation of violence: The most dangerous time for a survivor is often right after they leave. That’s why safety planning is critical.

• Stalking and surveillance: Survivors may be tracked via phones, devices, or mutual contacts, making the idea of "leaving" terrifying rather than liberating.

“He told me he’d burn down my mum’s house if I ever left. I believed him. I still do.”

2. Psychological Traps and Emotional Bonds

Leaving someone you love, or once loved, is never just about packing a bag. Emotional bonds, manipulation, and trauma bonding can keep survivors entangled long after it becomes unsafe.

• Hope and Promises to Change: Survivors often hope things will get better. Abusers may apologise, cry, blame stress or substances, and sometimes, for a little while, they do change.

“He said he’d stop drinking. That he was sorry. That he wanted to be a better dad.”

• Love, Gratitude and Attachment: Survivors may still love their abuser, especially when they’ve been a partner, carer, or co-parent.

“No one else would love you like I do.”

• Trauma Bonding: Cycles of fear, control, and affection can create a powerful emotional grip, known as trauma bonding, making it feel impossible to walk away.

“It wasn’t all bad. I wanted the person I first fell in love with back.”

3. Life Circumstances and Dependence

Sometimes it’s not about feelings; it’s about survival.

• Disability or chronic illness: Some survivors rely on their abuser for daily care or access to treatment.

• Older adults: May fear loneliness, nursing homes, or financial instability.

• Parents: Fear of losing custody or having children used against them is common.

4. Health, Mental Health, and Substance Use

• Chronic Health Needs
  Leaving can be logistically or medically risky.

“He drove me to dialysis. I couldn’t walk. I had no one else.”

• Mental Health Struggles
  Mental illness doesn’t cause abuse, but it can be weaponised.

“He said no one would believe me because I have panic attacks. I started to believe that, too.”

• Substance Use
  Survivors who use substances may fear shame, child removal, or judgment from services.
  Abusers often exploit this fear as leverage.

5. Young People and Students

• Students

  • Fear of gossip, retaliation, or losing visa status can keep survivors silent.

  • International students may face visa threats and limited financial independence.

“He said if I told anyone, he’d get me deported and I’d lose my place in my course.”

• Teens

• May not recognise abuse, especially if they grew up in violent or controlling homes.

• Pregnant teens or young parents may feel completely trapped.

6. Cultural, Religious, and Community Barriers

• Faith-based pressure: Some survivors are told to pray harder, forgive, or “be patient.”

“The imam told me to pray harder. That I had to be patient.”

• Family and community shame:

  • “You made your bed, now lie in it.”

  • “You’re ruining the family name.”

  • “He’s never done anything to me, are you exaggerating?”

These messages fuel guilt and silence.

7. Financial Abuse and Economic Dependence

• Financial Control
  Survivors may not have access to their own money.

“He made me sign things I didn’t understand. Now my name’s on debts I didn’t choose.”

• Fear of Homelessness
  DV is a leading cause of homelessness in Australia. The risk of homelessness after leaving can be very real, especially for women with children.

“The refuge was full. My choices were: sleep in the car with my baby or go back.”

• Job Disruption
  Education and employment are often interrupted by abuse, leaving survivors with fewer resources or options.

8. Legal and Immigration Barriers

• Abuser Power
  Abusers with money, status, or legal know-how may manipulate the system.

“He convinced the judge I was unstable. Now I have to send my child to him every other weekend.”

• Immigration Status
  Some survivors are told, “If you leave, you’ll lose your kids and your visa.”
  This is untrue; Australia has provisions for survivors. Migrant survivors can apply for a family violence visa provision to remain in Australia independently.

9. Systemic and Structural Failures

• Family Court and Mediation
  Survivors may be forced into mediation or co-parenting with their abuser, settings that reinforce power imbalances.

• LGBTQ+ Survivors
  May face being “outed,” past discrimination from services, or a lack of culturally safe DV resources.

• Military Families
  Survivors may worry about impacting their partner’s military career or entitlements. Reporting often goes through the chain of command, not directly to protective services.

10. Psychological Control and Trauma Bonds

Abuse rarely begins with violence. It often starts with charm, dependency, and emotional grooming.

• Survivors may feel responsible for the abuser’s behaviour.

• They may still love them.

• They may believe that if they just try harder, the dream of a happy relationship could come true.

“He wasn’t always like this. I thought if I could just get it right, we’d be happy again.”

The Better Question: What’s Holding Her Back?

Asking “Why doesn’t she leave?” places blame on the person experiencing abuse.
A better question is:

• “What would make it safer, easier, and more empowering for her to leave?”

• “What systems need to change?”

• “How can I listen and support without judgment?”

Leaving is not an event. It’s a process, often requiring multiple attempts, safety plans, and ongoing support.

If You're Still Stuck in That Relationship

If you're reading this and recognising your own experience, please know:

• There is no shame in still being there.

• There is no shame in trying to make it work.

• There is no shame in being confused or afraid.

You're not weak. You're surviving.
And when you're ready, not when others think you “should” be, there is help.

1800RESPECT (Australia’s national DV service) is available 24/7 for free, confidential support.

I offer a non-judgmental, confidential space where we can:

• Explore your options

• Build safety plans

• Support your healing, wherever you are in your journey

You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not to blame.

If you would like to talk to me, you can contact me at:

📧 Email me at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Call or text: 0452 285 526