Finding Peace: Managing Emotions After Your Abuser's Death
Essential Insights
When an abusive person dies, you may experience a complex mix of liberation, shame, rage, and sadness all at once.
Sometimes adult children distance themselves from both parents, including the non-abusive one, as a way to protect their wellbeing and healing.
Often what you're actually grieving isn't the relationship you had, but the one you desperately wanted to have, there's a profound difference between mourning an actual loving connection and mourning the hope of one that never existed.
If you feel relief when an abuser dies, that doesn't make you heartless or vindictive, it makes you a survivor who can finally breathe easier, and these feelings are a natural response to being freed from ongoing harm.
Help exists for navigating these complicated emotions, and you deserve both understanding and the time you need to process everything you're feeling.
When the Abuser Dies: What No One Talks About
When someone who caused you serious harm dies, it can trigger a whirlwind of conflicting feelings. While grief is never simple, losing an abusive person creates an especially complex emotional landscape that can feel overwhelming and confusing to navigate.
Erica’s Story: A Grief Few Understand
Erica, a woman in her late 60s, came to see me after her husband passed away. To outsiders, their marriage looked ordinary. But in one of our early sessions, she disclosed that her husband had been emotionally and psychologically abusive throughout their marriage.
Her children had long suspected the truth and had encouraged her to leave. But she stayed. Eventually, her children went no-contact with both parents, a decision that devastated her. She felt abandoned, punished, and ashamed, but still she remained in the marriage.
Why Adult Children Might Go No Contact
Emotional pain. Staying in contact with their parents can trigger painful memories and emotions linked to their traumatic experiences.
Trust issues. The experiences of abuse they endured could lead to a lack of trust in their parents, even towards the non-abusive one, as they may feel that they should have been protected as children.
Self-protection. Disconnecting serves as a protective strategy for them, shielding both their emotions and physical well-being from their parents.
Toxic dynamics. They might feel that the relationship with their parents is toxic and that the only way to set boundaries and avoid negative interactions is to stop contact with them altogether.
Trying to heal. They may think that for their healing, they need to cut ties with their parents so that they can focus on building healthier relationships and moving on in life.
Limited understanding. Sometimes, the non-abusive parent might not be aware of the extent of the impact of the abuse or may even minimise it, which might feel frustrating and invalidating for the adult child.
Enabling behaviours. The non-abusive parent may have unintentionally enabled the abusive parent's behavior, making it harder for the adult child to separate their feelings of hurt toward each parent.
The Final Days: A Caregiver's Resentment
During her husband's last months, Erica took on the role of his primary caregiver. While professional nurses provided some assistance, the majority of his care fell to her. He never offered any apology or acknowledgment of his behavior. Instead, he continued his pattern of cruelty, intentionally soiling his bedding as one last way to exert dominance over her.
After his death, Erica was surprised to discover she was experiencing grief. However, she wasn't mourning the person he had actually been; instead, she was grieving the years she had lost, the affection she had been denied, and the possibility of redemption that would never materialise. Alongside her sadness, she also experienced liberation. And shame about feeling that liberation. This kind of emotional contradiction is actually quite common.
Grief is rarely simple, especially when love and pain co-exist.
A Complicated Loss
When someone who caused you harm passes away, your grief won't match the conventional patterns people expect. You may experience sadness and rage, but also bewilderment, emotional numbness, or unexpected tranquility. Often, what you're actually grieving is the version of them you wished existed, rather than who they truly were.
Feeling liberated is normal, particularly if their existence meant living under constant intimidation or manipulation. Though this sense of freedom might seem inappropriate, it's entirely valid. Your instincts recognize that a source of danger has been removed. This response doesn't reflect callousness on your part, it reflects your humanity.
Mixed Emotions: Feeling Sad Yet Relieved
Most abusive people weren't consistently harmful. They had brief periods of kindness, made commitments to transform themselves. Releasing the belief that "maybe things could have finally changed" represents its own form of mourning.
Experiencing sorrow doesn't indicate you're excusing their behavior. Experiencing liberation doesn't mean you wanted them to suffer. These seemingly contradictory emotions can coexist within you simultaneously.
The Anger of Unresolved Justice
Among the most challenging feelings can be rage, directed not only at the person who hurt you, but at the absence of any resolution. There might be no acknowledgment of wrongdoing, no taking responsibility, no moment of honest reckoning. If you had clung to the possibility that they would eventually own up to their behavior, their death can feel like justice has been permanently denied.
Their passing may also bring into sharp focus the secondary devastation, connections with family or friends who distanced themselves, or aspects of your identity that you had to suppress in order to endure.
Guilt and the “What Ifs”
Guilt is another common emotion, especially when you feel relieved. Society often teaches us that all losses should be mourned in a traditional way. But grieving isn’t about meeting expectations, it’s about coming to terms with your own reality.
You may also think, "What if they had changed?" or "Could things have been different?”. These “what if” thoughts can cause you to stay trapped in a cycle of grief that is more about mourning the lost potential than the actual person. It’s important to remember that real change should have come from this person and that they did not make that choice in life. Wishing things had gone differently is natural, but it doesn’t change the past.
When Trauma Resurfaces
For certain survivors, an abuser's death can reawaken dormant psychological wounds. Bad dreams, intrusive memories, or an unexplained sense of dread may resurface. Sometimes the mind struggles to accept that the death has actually occurred, as if it might be one final act of control.
These responses are typical reactions to trauma. Working with a therapist who understands trauma can help you process these experiences in a safe environment. Therapeutic approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) or trauma-focused CBT can serve as powerful resources for recovery.
Finding Your Own Form of Closure
Finding closure doesn't require following conventional approaches. Some people find peace through composing a letter they'll never send, lighting a memorial flame, or returning to a place with personal significance. Others may choose to participate in funeral services, or make the conscious decision to stay away.
I recall a client who cleaned out her abusive father's home following his death. Though emotionally challenging, the process helped her take back control of a period in her life that had been ruled by terror. Resolution can take creative, symbolic, or private forms, and it can be entirely your own.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Whether you're experiencing sorrow, emotional detachment, liberation, fury, or a combination of everything, you don't have to work through this by yourself. Speaking with someone who comprehends the intricacies of this type of mourning can provide valuable assistance.
Help is available through:
A therapist or counselor trained in trauma recovery
Organisations that help survivors of domestic abuse
Peer support circles or community resources
Reliable friends or relatives who can listen without passing judgment
Respect Your Healing Process
There is no wrong or right way to experience feelings. Whether you feel relief, sadness, numbness, anger or a combination of these feelings, all are valid. The important thing is that you take the time and space to process them without feeling guilty or ashamed.
Healing isn't about conforming to societal norms for grief, but about honouring your journey. Take things slowly, seek support when needed, and remember that you deserve peace, both now and in the future.
If this piece resonates with your experience, you’re not alone. You can speak with someone who understands the complexity of this grief. I offer trauma-informed support, get in touch if you're ready to explore this with someone safe.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 0452 285 526
