They're Using the Kids to Hurt You - When Co-Parenting Becomes Abuse
You left because you had to. Because staying meant watching your children grow up in an environment where fear, control, or chaos were normal. You left to give them something better: safety, stability, a chance to breathe.
And now you're being told you need to “co-parent". To work together. To communicate. To put the past aside “for the children's sake."
But here's what those well-meaning advice-givers don't understand: the person you're supposed to co-parent with is still using every interaction as an opportunity to control, manipulate, or punish you. The children you left to protect have become weapons in a war you're trying desperately not to fight.
Every custody exchange is a chance for them to criticise, intimidate, or create drama. Every email becomes a platform for rewriting history or making demands. Every parenting decision you make gets undermined, questioned, or turned into ammunition for the next court filing. And your children are watching all of it, caught in the middle of something they never asked for and can't escape.
You're exhausted. You're trying to be reasonable, to follow the advice about “healthy co-parenting", but it's not working because it can't work. The advice assumes good faith from both parties. And when one parent is actively using the co-parenting arrangement to continue abuse, all that well-intentioned guidance becomes another source of harm.
If you're here because co-parenting feels impossible, dangerous, or like it's destroying what little peace you've managed to build, you're not failing. You're recognising something crucial: traditional co-parenting doesn't work with someone who's still trying to control you.
If You're Here Because...
You might be reading this because:
Every interaction with your ex leaves you anxious, drained, or destabilised
They use custody exchanges to harass, criticise, or intimidate you
Your children come back from visits repeating things designed to hurt you
You're being accused of “parental alienation" for setting boundaries
Legal proceedings feel endless and deliberately designed to exhaust you
They undermine your parenting decisions and rules consistently
People don't understand why you can't “just get along for the kids"
You feel guilty for wanting less contact with someone who shares your children
The abuse didn't stop when the relationship ended, it just changed form
You need permission to stop trying to make co-parenting work
If any of this resonates, keep reading. You're not imagining the pattern, and you're not being unreasonable.
The Myths That Keep Protective Parents Trapped
Before we talk about what actually works, we need to name the myths that keep you stuck in harmful patterns. These beliefs sound reasonable on the surface, but they ignore the reality of post-separation abuse and put unfair pressure on the protective parent to maintain a dynamic that's actively harmful.
Myth 1: "Children Need Both Parents in Their Lives"
This is the most pervasive and damaging myth. Yes, ideally, children benefit from healthy relationships with both parents. But exposure to an abusive, manipulative, or emotionally harmful parent is not neutral. It's damaging.
Research consistently shows that the quality of parenting relationships matters far more than the quantity. One emotionally safe, consistent, loving parent provides more stability than two parents when one of them is using the child as a pawn, undermining the other parent, or creating ongoing conflict and anxiety.
Children don't need both parents. They need safe, healthy attachment figures. If one parent cannot or will not provide that, forcing contact doesn't serve the child, it serves the myth.
When “both parents" includes one who causes harm, you're not denying your child a relationship. You're protecting them from ongoing trauma.
Myth 2: "You're Just Being Vindictive or Bitter"
This accusation gets weaponised against protective parents constantly, especially mothers. When you set boundaries, limit communication, or push back against manipulation, you're framed as the problem. As someone who “can't let go" or who's “punishing" your ex by making co-parenting difficult.
This narrative is gaslighting on a systemic level. It reframes your entirely appropriate responses to ongoing abuse as evidence of your own dysfunction. It silences legitimate safety concerns by making you question whether you're overreacting, being too sensitive, or letting your “feelings about your ex" interfere with parenting.
But here's the truth: recognising that someone is harmful and protecting yourself and your children from that harm isn't vindictive. It's wise. Refusing to engage with manipulation isn't bitterness, it's boundary-setting. And prioritising your children's emotional safety over someone else's feelings isn't punishment, it's protective parenting.
The person who makes reasonable boundaries impossible by violating them constantly doesn't get to accuse you of being difficult.
Myth 3: "They Wouldn't Hurt Their Own Children"
This myth relies on the assumption that biological connection prevents harm. But abusive individuals often view their children as extensions of themselves rather than separate people with their own needs and rights. The harm they inflict might not be physical violence (though it can be), but emotional and psychological damage is still damage.
Using children to hurt you is hurting the children. Involving them in adult conflicts, speaking badly about you in their hearing, creating loyalty binds where they feel they have to choose, all of this causes real harm to your children's emotional development, sense of safety, and ability to trust relationships.
Some abusive parents genuinely believe they're good parents and that their behaviour toward you is separate from their relationship with the children. But that separation doesn't exist in a child's experience. When they see a parent being cruel to the other parent, when they're used as messengers or spies, when they're rewarded for taking sides, they internalise all of it.
Loving your children and harming them aren't mutually exclusive. People can do both, often without recognising the harm they're causing.
What Post-Separation Abuse Through Co-Parenting Actually Looks Like
Before we go further, it's important to name this clearly: what you're experiencing isn't “high conflict". It's a pattern of ongoing abuse that uses parenting structures as cover.
Post-separation abuse is a deliberate pattern of behaviour designed to maintain control, punish you for leaving, or destabilise your life after the relationship ends. When children are involved, the co-parenting arrangement becomes a primary vehicle for that abuse. Here's how it typically manifests:
Legal Harassment and Weaponising the Court System
They file motion after motion—custody modifications, contempt charges, requests for evaluations, most of them baseless but all of them requiring your time, money, and emotional energy to respond to. Each court date means taking time off work, paying legal fees you can't afford, and reliving trauma in a system that often doesn't understand the dynamics at play.
The goal isn't to win, necessarily. It's to exhaust you, drain your resources, and maintain control through the legal system. It's to keep you constantly reactive, always defending yourself, never able to simply move forward with your life.
When legal proceedings feel designed to torment rather than resolve, that's not normal conflict. That's abuse.
Using Children as Messengers, Spies, and Emotional Weapons
They pump your children for information about your life: who you're dating, where you work, what you do on weekends, whether you've said anything about them. Your children come home asking questions clearly planted by the other parent, or repeating criticisms of you that sound nothing like a child's voice.
They send messages through the children instead of communicating directly with you, forcing your kids into the role of intermediary. They make plans during your parenting time without consulting you, then frame your objection as you “keeping the children from activities."
Most painfully, they engage in parental alienation, systematically undermining your relationship with your children through lies, manipulation, or emotional coercion. Your children might start parroting negative statements about you, resisting time with you, or seeming confused about basic facts because they're being told conflicting versions of reality.
Children used as weapons become casualties. Every time.
Undermining Your Parenting and Creating Chaos
They deliberately contradict your rules, routines, or values when the children are with them. Bedtimes, screen time limits, dietary restrictions, consequences for behaviour, all ignored or actively undermined. The message to your children is clear: the rules at your house don't matter. You don't matter.
They might buy the children expensive gifts you can't afford, making you look like the “mean" parent who says no. They might allow behaviour you've been working hard to address, then claim you're making problems where none exist. They might feed your children junk food exclusively, disrupt sleep schedules before school days, or encourage disrespect toward you.
This isn't just annoying, it's destabilising for your children, who need consistency to feel safe. And it positions you as either the controlling parent who has “too many rules" or the ineffective parent whose boundaries don't hold.
Financial Control and Manipulation
They withhold court-ordered child support, forcing you to choose between pursuing enforcement (more legal costs, more conflict) or struggling financially. They might refuse to contribute to agreed-upon expenses, hide income to reduce support obligations, or create financial crises that force you to rely on them.
Some use money as leverage: “I'll pay support if you agree to more custody time" or “I'll cover that expense if you drop this boundary". Financial dependency or instability becomes another tool of control.
Constant Communication Harassment
They text at all hours with “urgent" matters that aren't urgent. They send long, accusatory emails rewriting history or making demands. They call repeatedly, ignore your requests to communicate in writing only, or use communication about the children as an excuse to continue harassing you about the relationship, your choices, or your life.
When you don't respond immediately, you're “uncooperative." When you set boundaries around communication, you're “keeping them from their children". There's no way to win because the communication itself is the abuse, not a means to an actual co-parenting goal.
If every interaction leaves you feeling attacked, that's not co-parenting. That's ongoing abuse using the children as the justification.
When co-parenting becomes part of an outdated script.
Why Traditional Co-Parenting Advice Fails in These Situations
All the books, therapists, and mediators who talk about “healthy co-parenting" are working from a specific set of assumptions:
Both parents are acting in good faith
Both parents prioritise the children's wellbeing over their own anger or hurt
Both parents are capable of respecting boundaries
Both parents can communicate without manipulation or abuse
Both parents want to reduce conflict for the sake of the children
When even one of these assumptions is false, and in abusive dynamics, most or all of them are false, the advice doesn't just fail. It actively causes harm.
You're told to “communicate better", but better communication with someone weaponiSing your words against you just gives them more ammunition. You're told to “be flexible," but flexibility with someone who sees it as weakness leads to more boundary violations. You're told to “focus on the children," but when your ex is using the children as tools to hurt you, focusing on them means accepting ongoing abuse.
Traditional co-parenting requires mutual respect, shared goals, and good faith. Post-separation abuse is defined by the absence of all three. You can't co-parent with someone who's still trying to control, punish, or destroy you.
The problem isn't that you're not trying hard enough. The problem is that you're trying to apply a healthy-relationship model to an abusive dynamic.
When Parallel Parenting Becomes Necessary
If traditional co-parenting is impossible because of ongoing abuse, parallel parenting offers an alternative model. It's not ideal, ideal would be two healthy parents working together, but it's realistic when one parent can't or won't engage safely.
Parallel parenting is a structured, low-contact approach designed for high-conflict situations or when one parent is abusive. The core principle is simple: you each parent your children during your time without interference from or coordination with the other parent, minimizing direct interaction to reduce opportunities for conflict and abuse.
What Parallel Parenting Looks Like in Practice
Minimal direct contact. All communication happens in writing, ideally through a co-parenting app or email. No phone calls unless it's a genuine emergency (and you define what constitutes an emergency). No face-to-face conversations. No texting that can be used to harass or manipulate.
Detailed parenting plan that removes flexibility. Everything is spelled out: custody schedule, holiday rotations, who makes which decisions, how exchanges happen. The more detailed the plan, the less room for manipulation or conflict. Flexibility requires trust, and trust doesn't exist here.
Neutral exchange locations or third-party exchanges. You don't see each other. Exchanges happen at school, daycare, or through a trusted third party. This removes opportunities for harassment, intimidation, or last-minute manipulation.
Strict information boundaries. You share only what's legally required: medical emergencies, school information that impacts both households. You don't share personal information about your life, and you don't engage with questions or comments about anything beyond the children's immediate needs.
Parallel, not coordinated, parenting. Each household has its own rules, routines, and expectations. You don't try to enforce your rules at their house or vice versa. Children are capable of adapting to different expectations in different environments. What matters is that your home is consistent and safe.
Emotional disengagement from their opinions and provocations. You don't defend yourself, explain your choices, or respond to attacks. You focus on what's factual and necessary, and you ignore everything else. Their opinion of your parenting doesn't matter. Their attempts to provoke you don't get a response.
Parallel parenting isn't giving up on your children having two parents. It's accepting that coordinated parenting with an abusive person isn't possible and protecting everyone from the harm that attempts create.
Practical Steps to Implement Parallel Parenting
Making the shift from attempting co-parenting to implementing parallel parenting requires both practical changes and an internal shift in how you think about the situation.
Document Everything
Keep detailed records of all communications, custody exchanges, and incidents. Save texts, emails, voicemails. Note when they're late for pickups, when they violate the parenting plan, when your children report concerning things. This isn't about building a case against them (though it might be necessary eventually), it's about maintaining your own sense of reality when they're constantly trying to distort it.
Documentation also protects you if you need to return to court. Patterns of behaviour are more compelling than isolated incidents, and having records proves the pattern.
Establish and Enforce Strict Communication Boundaries
Use a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard, TalkingParents, or AppClose if possible. These apps create a documented record of all communication, limit the ability to delete messages, and some even have tone monitors that flag hostile language.
If apps aren't court-ordered or available, use email only. Don't respond to texts, don't answer phone calls unless it's a genuine emergency. Create a standard response: “Please put that in writing via email" and use it consistently.
Set specific times you check and respond to messages, maybe twice a day. You're not required to be available 24/7. Respond only to what requires a response. Ignore provocations, personal attacks, or attempts to discuss anything beyond the children's immediate needs.
Create a Detailed Parenting Plan Through Legal Channels
Work with a lawyer experienced in high-conflict custody situations to create a parenting plan that's as detailed as possible. Specify everything: who makes medical decisions, educational decisions, religious upbringing choices. Define what constitutes an emergency. Outline the exact custody schedule including holidays.
The more detailed the plan, the less room for manipulation. When everything is already decided and documented, they can't use ambiguity to create conflict or claim you're being uncooperative.
Arrange Neutral Custody Exchanges
If possible, exchanges should happen at school or daycare. If that's not an option, use a neutral public location like a police station parking lot, a busy shopping center, or a designated custody exchange location if your area has one.
If direct exchanges still create opportunities for harassment, request that a trusted third party handle exchanges. Some areas have supervised exchange centers specifically for high-conflict situations.
The goal is to eliminate the opportunity for conflict, harassment, or manipulation during what should be a simple handoff.
Manage Your Emotional Response to Their Provocations
This is the hardest part. They will try to bait you into responding emotionally. They'll make accusations, send inflammatory messages, create drama designed to get a reaction. Your job is not to engage.
Practice grey rock: be as boring and unresponsive as a grey rock. Factual, brief, unemotional responses to anything that requires a response. No responses to anything that doesn't.
When you feel the urge to defend yourself, explain your reasoning, or correct their distortions - pause. That urge is exactly what they're trying to trigger. Every time you engage emotionally, you give them supply and teach them that their tactics work.
This doesn't mean you're weak or letting them “win." It means you're refusing to participate in a dynamic that harms you and your children.
Build Your Support System
You need people who understand what you're dealing with. A trauma-informed therapist who specialises in domestic violence and co-parenting abuse. A support group for protective parents, either in person or online. Legal support from a lawyer who understands these dynamics.
You also need connection with safe people: friends who believe you, family who support you, community that grounds you. Isolation is a tool of abuse. Rebuilding connection counteracts it.
Focus on What You Can Control
You cannot control how they parent during their time. You cannot control what they say about you. You cannot control whether they follow the rules or undermine your parenting. You cannot make them be reasonable, kind, or cooperative.
But you can control how you respond, the environment you create in your home, your boundaries and whether you enforce them, and whether you engage with provocations or let them drop into silence. This is where your power lives, not in changing them, but in protecting yourself and your children within the sphere you do control.
The goal isn't to make them cooperate. The goal is to minimize the harm their lack of cooperation causes.
Supporting Your Children Through Parallel Parenting
Your children will notice that you and their other parent don't communicate much or coordinate closely. Depending on their age, they might have questions or feelings about that. Here's how to support them:
Be Honest, Age-Appropriately
For younger children: “Mum/Dad and I handle things separately now. That's okay. You're still loved and taken care of."
For older children: “Your mum/dad and I have different ways of doing things, and we've decided it works better if we each handle things in our own homes. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with you."
You don't need to explain the abuse or badmouth their other parent. You're simply normalising that parallel parenting is your family's structure now.
Reassure Them They Don't Have to Choose or Carry Messages
Be explicit: “You don't have to tell me what happens at your mum's/dad's house unless something worries you. And you don't have to tell them about things here either. What happens in each home is private."
“If someone asks you to pass along a message, you can say 'that's something grownups need to talk about directly.' You're not a messenger."
This removes them from the middle and gives them language to set boundaries themselves.
Maintain Consistency in Your Home
Your home is the place where you have control. Make it predictable, safe, calm. Consistent routines, clear expectations, emotional warmth. When everything else feels chaotic, your home can be their refuge.
Don't try to enforce your rules at their other parent's house. Don't interrogate them about what happens there. Just make your home steady and safe.
Get Them Support If Needed
If your children are showing signs of distress from being caught in this dynamic, professional support can help. A therapist who understands family conflict and divorce can give them tools to navigate their feelings and the pressure they're under.
Make sure the therapist understands the dynamics, that one parent is abusive and using the children as tools. Not all therapists recognise this, and working with someone who frames it as “two parents in conflict" can make things worse.
You're Not Giving Up on Co-Parenting. You're Choosing Safety.
There's often guilt around admitting that co-parenting isn't possible. You might feel like you're failing your children, being difficult, or not trying hard enough. You might worry about what others will think or how it looks to the court.
But here's the truth: attempting to co-parent with someone who uses that access to continue abusing you doesn't serve your children. It models unhealthy relationships, exposes them to ongoing conflict, and keeps you in a state of chronic stress that impacts your ability to parent effectively.
Choosing parallel parenting isn't giving up. It's accepting reality and working within it to create the safest possible situation for everyone. It's recognising that some things can't be fixed or forced, and that protecting yourself and your children from ongoing harm is more important than maintaining the appearance of cooperation.
Your children don't need you to successfully co-parent with their other parent. They need you to be stable, safe, and present. Parallel parenting creates the space for you to be those things.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stop trying to make something work that's designed to fail.
When the System Doesn't Understand
One of the hardest aspects of this situation is that family courts, mediators, custody evaluators, and even some therapists don't always recognise post-separation abuse or understand why traditional co-parenting advice fails.
You might be ordered to attend co-parenting classes that assume both parents are reasonable. You might have a judge who believes children need equal time with both parents regardless of dynamics. You might face accusations of being “high conflict" when you're simply protecting yourself from ongoing abuse.
This isn't fair. And it's not your fault. The system is slowly evolving to understand coercive control and post-separation abuse, but change is uneven and many professionals are still operating from outdated frameworks.
If you're facing this, work with legal professionals who understand these dynamics. Document everything. Be calm and factual in court rather than emotional. Frame things in terms of your children's safety and stability rather than your feelings about your ex. And find support outside the system, from therapists, support groups, and communities that recognise what you're dealing with.
You're Protecting More Than You Know
If you've read this far, you're likely exhausted. Exhausted from trying. Exhausted from defending yourself. Exhausted from being told you should make something work that can't work.
Please know this: your attempts to protect your children and yourself from ongoing abuse through parallel parenting aren't failures. They're wisdom. They're strength. They're choosing reality over a fantasy that society insists you should be able to achieve.
Your children are watching you model what it looks like to set boundaries with someone who won't respect them. To prioritise safety over appearances. To protect yourself and them even when it's hard and others don't understand.
That's not a small thing. That's everything.
You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone
The dynamics of post-separation abuse and protective parenting are complex, exhausting, and often isolating. You deserve support from someone who understands both the practical challenges and the emotional toll.
I work with protective parents navigating high-conflict co-parenting, post-separation abuse, and the specific challenges of parallel parenting. If you're ready to talk, you're welcome to reach out.
📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
