When Co-Parenting Becomes Impossible. Understanding Post-Separation Abuse
A trauma-informed perspective on protecting yourself and your children
As a trauma therapist, I've witnessed countless parents struggle with a painful reality that challenges everything we're told about “healthy co-parenting”. If you're reading this, you may be one of them.
You've likely heard the well-meaning advice from family, friends, and even professionals: “Put the children first”, “Work together for their sake”, and “Don't let your feelings about your ex affect the kids”. While these ideals sound reasonable on the surface, they rely on one crucial assumption: that both parents are willing and capable of healthy co-parenting.
But what happens when that assumption is false?
When Co-Parenting Becomes a Pathway for Abuse
For some families, traditional co-parenting isn't just difficult, it's unsafe. When one parent engages in post-separation abuse, attempts to co-parent can provide ongoing access for control, manipulation, and harm. Rather than providing stability for children, it often becomes a pathway to ongoing trauma for the entire family.
Understanding Post-Separation Abuse
Post-separation abuse is the deliberate continuation of controlling, coercive, or harmful behaviours after a relationship ends. This isn't a typical separation conflict or the natural tensions that arise during divorce. It is a calculated pattern of behaviour, often referred to as coercive control, designed to maintain dominance over a former partner, usually through non-physical tactics like fear, isolation, manipulation, and emotional sabotage.
In the context of separation, this control often continues through the misuse of legal systems, financial sabotage, and by using the children as emotional leverage.
In these situations, children unfortunately become both weapons and shields in the abuser's campaign of control. They're used to hurt the targeted parent while simultaneously being positioned as reasons why the abuse must be endured.
When co-parenting becomes part of an outdated script.
The Myths That Keep Families Trapped
Myth 1: "Children need both parents in their lives"
While loving relationships with both parents are ideal, exposure to an abusive parent is not benign. Research consistently shows that quality matters more than quantity in parenting relationships. A child is better served by one healthy, stable parent than by maintaining contact with an abusive one.
Myth 2: "You're just being vindictive"
Protective parents are often accused of being bitter or difficult when they try to establish boundaries. This victim-blaming narrative silences legitimate safety concerns and reinforces the abuser's control by making the targeted parent question their own judgment.
Myth 3: "They wouldn't hurt their own children"
Abusive individuals often view their children as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals with their own needs and rights. While they may not always cause direct physical harm, the emotional and psychological damage can be equally devastating, especially when children are treated as pawns in an adult conflict.
Recognising the Signs
Post-separation abuse can manifest in numerous ways:
Legal Abuse: Filing baseless motions, making false allegations, or using the court system as a weapon to drain your resources and energy.
Financial Abuse: Withholding child support, hiding income, or creating financial instability to maintain control over your life choices.
Parental Alienation: This occurs when the abusive parent systematically undermines your relationship with your children through manipulation, lies, or emotional coercion. Children may be told false narratives about you, pressured to take sides, or rewarded for rejecting you. This not only damages your bond with them, but it can also cause long-term psychological harm and internal conflict for the child.
Stalking & Harassment: Excessive calls or texts, uninvited appearances, or monitoring your activities through the children or mutual contacts.
Threats: Direct or veiled threats against you, your loved ones, or even self-harm threats used as emotional blackmail.
The Hidden Impact on Children
Children caught in this dynamic often show signs that may be overlooked or misinterpreted:
Appearing anxious, withdrawn, or excessively compliant
Showing sudden preferences for the abusive parent (often a survival mechanism, not a genuine preference)
Being asked to carry messages or act as spies between households
Experiencing loyalty conflicts and internal turmoil
Exhibiting behavioural changes or regression
These pressures place enormous stress on developing minds and can deeply impact their emotional safety and development.
Why Co-Parenting Doesn’t Work with an Abusive Ex
Traditional co-parenting advice assumes good faith from both parties. When abuse is present, attempts to co-parent can:
Allow ongoing manipulation through shared responsibilities
Model harmful relationship patterns for children
Deplete your emotional and financial capacity to parent effectively
Create an unstable environment that undermines children's security
What Is Parallel Parenting? A Safer Strategy After Abuse
When co-parenting is impossible, parallel parenting creates necessary distance and structure while allowing for continued parental involvement where safe. This approach recognises that some relationships cannot be repaired and focuses instead on minimising harm.
Key strategies include:
Communicating only in writing through email or co-parenting apps
Using detailed parenting plans to limit the need for ongoing negotiations
Arranging neutral custody exchanges to avoid direct contact
Establishing clear boundaries on communication and information sharing
This approach minimises conflict and supports stability for everyone involved.
Protecting Yourself and Your Children
Document Everything
Keep detailed records of texts, emails, and incidents. This documentation may be vital in legal settings and helps you track patterns you might otherwise miss.
Build a Support Network
Seek trauma-informed professionals, support groups, and people who truly understand your situation. Isolation is a tool of abuse; connection is part of healing.
Focus on What You Can Control
You cannot change your co-parent's behaviour, but you can shape your responses and the environment you create for your children.
Prioritise Safety
Trust your instincts. If something feels unsafe, it probably is. Your internal alarm system has been finely tuned by experience.
Practice Self-Care
You matter too. Caring for yourself isn't selfish; it's foundational to caring for your children effectively.
The Long View: Healing Over Time
Healing from post-separation abuse isn't a straight path. There will be hard days and moments of doubt. But choosing to protect your children is not “giving up”, it's choosing a safer, wiser path, even if others don't understand.
Your children may not see the full picture now, but in time, they'll understand that your boundaries were a form of deep love. You're modelling for them that they deserve to be treated with respect and that it's okay to protect themselves from harm.
Moving Forward
If you recognise yourself in this post, know this: You are not alone. You are not being dramatic or difficult. You are responding to harm with strength and clarity.
Consider reaching out to:
Trauma-informed therapists who understand abuse dynamics
Domestic violence services (even if you weren't married or living together)
Legal professionals experienced in high-conflict family situations
You Are Still a Good Parent
Your worth isn't defined by whether you can "get along" with someone who continues to harm you. It's defined by your commitment to protection, love, and healing.
Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is walk away from the myth of what families should look like and instead build something safer and truer. Your children are watching you model what it means to prioritise safety and self-respect, lessons that will serve them throughout their lives.
Your healing journey matters. Your safety matters. Your children's well-being matters. And sometimes, protecting all of these things means choosing a different path than the one society expects.
You have the strength to do this. You've already begun.
FAQs
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Post-separation abuse is a pattern of controlling or harmful behaviours that continue after a relationship ends. These tactics often use children, legal systems, or finances to maintain power over the other parent.
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You might notice patterns like constant legal threats, emotional manipulation through your children, financial sabotage, or stalking. These are not just difficult dynamics; they are forms of abuse.
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Not always. Research shows that one stable, emotionally safe parent is better than shared parenting with someone who is abusive. Safety and emotional well-being come first.
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Parallel parenting limits contact between ex-partners while maintaining individual relationships with the children. It relies on strict boundaries, written communication, and detailed parenting plans.
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Family courts can help, but it’s important to work with legal professionals experienced in coercive control and high-conflict cases. Not all professionals understand post-separation abuse dynamics.
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Yes, when safety is compromised, it’s not only okay but necessary. Courts and professionals increasingly recognise that contact should never come at the cost of a child's wellbeing.
You may also like:
“It Felt Like Love. It Was Control: A Story of Emotional Abuse”
Explore how emotional abuse often hides behind charm and confusion.“Emotionally Immature Parents: Their Impact and Breaking the Cycle”
Relevant for readers exploring generational trauma or childhood attachment ruptures.“Feeling Empty Inside? Understanding Emotional Emptiness and the Path to Healing”
Helps normalise the grief and confusion that comes after leaving, especially when children are involved.
Optional Downloadable Resource: “Your Parallel Parenting Survival Kit”
Contents:
Parallel parenting checklist
Safe communication templates
Red flag log sheet
Tips on preparing for court
List of trauma-informed support services (national + Victoria-specific)
If this post reflects your experience, please know you're not alone—and you’re not imagining it.
There is support available.
I work with parents navigating post-separation abuse, trauma recovery, and the complex emotional terrain of protective parenting. If you'd like to talk, you're welcome to reach out:
Kat O'Mara
Safe Space Counselling Services
Melbourne, Australia (Online & In-Person)
📩 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
🌐 www.safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
