“It Felt Like Love. It Was Control”. A Story of Emotional Abuse
This is Ella’s story, a story that may sound familiar if you’ve ever been in a relationship where love slowly gave way to control.
“He never hit me. So for the longest time, I thought what I was experiencing couldn’t be abuse.”
Emotional abuse rarely announces itself with violence or screaming. Instead, it disguises itself as care and concern. What starts as attention and affection gradually becomes control. Your sense of self erodes so slowly you don't notice it happening until one day you realise you've lost yourself completely.
The Perfect Start
I was 18, fresh out of high school, and about to start university when I met him. He was charming, a little older, and made me feel like the most special person in the world. He opened doors, laughed at my jokes, and constantly praised me.
Within weeks, he met my family. They were polite, but I sensed a hint of hesitation. I brushed it off. I was falling fast.
What I didn't realise then was how fast my world would shrink.
Emotional Abuse: A Slow, Insidious Beginnning
When Care Becomes Control
He didn't like my friends, saying they were immature. So I spent more time with him. He wanted me to stay over more often, so his place became my second home. He had opinions on how I dressed, what I ate, and eventually, what I believed.
These didn't feel like demands at first. They felt like love. Thoughtfulness. Care.
But each request chipped away at something. My freedom. My confidence. My choices.
Soon, he was monitoring what I ate, criticising my weight in the name of "health," pressuring me into 10km runs I didn't want, picking out my clothes, mocking my faith, and tucking me into bed to "make sure I was rested."
Looking back, none of it was about care. It was about control.
The First Red Flag
Six months in, my car broke down. My mum kindly helped with repairs. I told him, expecting support.
Instead, he accused her of undermining him. "You should've come to me," he said. "Not your mum."
The guilt I felt was disproportionate, but it worked. I promised I wouldn't ask her for help again. Without realising it, I started cutting ties with the one person who'd always had my back.
Every time I tried to speak up about anything, he flipped the script. I ended up apologising.
Isolation and Guilt
He pushed me to move in. Told me it was childish to still live at home. Said we'd be happier without my parents around.
I felt guilty for wanting time with my family. Defensive when they raised concerns. I thought I was just "growing up." But in truth, I was disappearing.
The Breaking Point
One day, I chose to study at my parents' house. He called, asking to meet. I said no, and he escalated.
Panicked, I said, "If you come, I'll admit myself to the hospital. I can't do this anymore." The hospital symbolised something he couldn't touch: safety.
He didn't believe me until he heard me start the car. He followed me all the way there and caught me in the car park. I caved again. He promised to change.
He didn't.
The second time I tried to leave, he threatened suicide. So I stayed.
A Conversation That Changed Everything
After a long run one day, I opened up to my parents.
My father asked me quietly, "Do you want to be with him?"
"No," I whispered.
The next morning, he called my ex and told him not to contact me again.
That's when I began to breathe again.
Recovery After Emotional Abuse
The scars ran deep. I doubted myself constantly. I was anxious, withdrawn, unsure. But with time, I began to heal.
Here's what helped:
Naming the abuse. Understanding I wasn't "crazy" gave me clarity.
Talking to others. Friends, family, and people who understood helped me feel less alone.
Professional help. Therapy gave me the tools to rebuild my self-worth and process what happened.
Self-care. Meditation, yoga, journaling, and long walks helped reconnect me to my body and needs.
A Therapist's Perspective: How Emotional Abuse Hides in Plain Sight
As a trauma-informed therapist, I've sat with many women like myself. Women who are brilliant, resilient, and unsure if what they have been through "counts" as abuse.
It does.
Here are the red flags to watch for:
Gaslighting: "You're overreacting."
Isolation: "They don't really care about you like I do."
Control: Dictating food, clothes, or finances.
Coercive dependence: “Without me, you’d have nothing.”
Emotional blackmail: "If you leave, I'll hurt myself."
If these sound familiar, it might be happening to you. And you're not broken. Abuse thrives in silence, but healing begins with acknowledgment.
Breaking the Cycle
If you're in a relationship that feels confusing, overwhelming, or suffocating:
Reach out. Speak with someone you trust, or call a confidential helpline.
Prioritise safety. If you're planning to leave, have a plan in place. Support services can help.
Seek professional help. Therapy can be a powerful ally in untangling the psychological effects of abuse.
Reconnect with yourself. What brings you peace? What did you once enjoy? Reclaiming joy is a form of resistance.
A Message of Hope
Today, I live a life filled with connection, safety, and dignity. I am not just surviving. I am whole again.
And so can you.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732. Help is always available.
Suggested Reading
If this story resonated with you, you might also like:
“Emotionally Immature Parents: Their Impact and Breaking the Cycle”
(For those exploring the childhood roots of toxic relationship patterns)“How to Trust Yourself Again After Gaslighting”
(Explains why survivors often doubt themselves and how to reclaim clarity)“Rebuilding Self-Esteem After Leaving a Toxic Relationship”
(Gentle, practical strategies for reconnecting with identity and self-worth)
FAQ:
-
You might not be sure, and that's common. Emotional abuse often hides behind seemingly caring behaviours and may not be obvious at first.
A good starting question is: "Do I feel smaller, less confident, or more anxious around this person over time?"
Emotional abuse isn't always explosive anger. Sometimes, it's a slow erosion of your identity, where your choices, thoughts, or emotions are consistently dismissed, undermined, or used against you.
If you're walking on eggshells, second-guessing your memory, or feeling cut off from support systems, those are strong signs that something isn't right, even if no one else sees it.
-
Because leaving isn't simple when you've been psychologically entangled.
Abuse often happens in cycles, moments of affection, apologies, or "things getting better" are followed by manipulation or harm. This intermittent reinforcement creates powerful emotional bonds, sometimes called trauma bonds.
You may have stayed out of love, fear, guilt, hope, exhaustion, or all of these at once. You may have been told it was your fault, been isolated, or been financially dependent. Or you may have just not been ready to let go of the future you imagined with them.
None of this means you failed. It means you're human, and you were surviving the best way you knew how in a coercive dynamic.
-
This is often the hardest part. If the relationship was always awful, you likely would have left sooner. But emotional abuse often includes moments of kindness, apologies, shared laughter, which can make it deeply confusing.
These "good times" don't invalidate the harm. They are often part of the cycle of abuse, where positive behaviour is used to reset the relationship and delay consequences.
You can honour the parts that felt real and acknowledge the control that was harming you. Both can be true.
-
This self-doubt is often the result of gaslighting, a common abuse tactic where your feelings are denied or distorted so often that you begin to question your reality.
If you're constantly apologising for how you feel, trying to "get it right," or wondering if you're the problem, you may have internalised their messages. That doesn't mean they're true.
Abuse thrives when you start to mistrust yourself. Healing begins when you reclaim that trust.
-
Love doesn't cancel out abuse.
You can love someone and still be harmed by them. You can long for what you had, or who they once were, and still know deep down that the relationship isn't safe or healthy anymore.
Love is not supposed to make you feel afraid, confused, or erased.
In therapy, we make space for these contradictions, not to shame you, but to help you understand your experience with more compassion and clarity.
-
Yes. It takes time, intention, and often support, but it is absolutely possible.
Many survivors describe feeling disoriented or empty after leaving, like they don't know who they are without the relationship. This is a normal response to long-term psychological control.
With the right tools, safety, and support, you can reconnect with your voice, your values, and your sense of self.
Therapy can help you:
Make sense of what happened without self-blame
Rebuild confidence and boundaries
Reclaim joy, autonomy, and emotional clarity
You don't have to go through this alone.
About Safe Space Counselling Services
I specialise in working with women who've experienced emotional abuse, coercive control, and the slow erosion of self-worth that trauma can bring. If you're ready to explore your story in a safe, confidential, and compassionate space, I'd be honoured to walk alongside you.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 0452 285 526
