Exploring Attachment Patterns and Relationships
Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do in relationships? Why do some people seem to navigate emotional closeness with ease, while others find it deeply challenging? The answer often lies in your attachment style, which consists of patterns shaped by early experiences with parents and primary caregivers. These formative relationships establish the foundation for how we connect, love, and cope with stress in adulthood.
As a trauma therapist, I often explore attachment styles with clients, as they have a significant, everyday impact. They influence how we relate to our partners, manage conflict at work, maintain friendships, and even how we speak to ourselves.
Let’s examine these styles more closely, not to label or limit ourselves but to better understand the patterns that may be quietly shaping our lives. Most importantly, let’s remind ourselves that awareness opens the door to healing and meaningful change.
Side by side on the trail; security, connection, and the quiet power of being close.
Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Safe Connection
Childhood Roots
Secure attachment develops when our caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available. This teaches children: “My needs matter. I can count on others”.
Core Traits
Comfortable with both closeness and independence
Trusts others and trusts themselves
Feels safe asking for help and offering support
In Relationships
Communicates openly and calmly
Navigates conflict without panic or withdrawal
Offers and receives love without needing to chase or shut down
In Work & Everyday Life
Confident asking for feedback or clarification
Takes constructive criticism without spiralling
Maintains healthy work boundaries
In Stress or Crisis
Can self-soothe and seek support when needed
Less likely to catastrophise or shut down
Example:
Alex trusts their partner and enjoys intimacy, but they’re also comfortable doing things independently. When conflict arises, they can talk it through without fear of being abandoned or attacked.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: When Connection Feels Like Survival
Childhood Roots
Anxious-preoccupied attachment often develops from inconsistent caregiving; times when love was given, then taken away, or came with conditions. This creates a nervous system that’s always scanning: “Am I safe? Am I loved? Is it about to disappear?”
Core Traits
Strong fear of rejection or abandonment
Seeks frequent reassurance
Hyper-aware of others’ moods or behaviours
Tendency to feel “too much” and fear being too needy
In Relationships
Can become preoccupied with a partner’s availability
May read silence or distance as signs of rejection
Might over-text, over-give, or struggle to tolerate space
Seek frequent reassurance (even when they know they’re loved)
Read into pauses, silences, or small changes in tone
Worry about being “too needy” while struggling to self-soothe
Feel devastated by perceived disconnection, even if the disconnection is brief
In Work & Everyday Life
Sensitive to tone in emails or meetings
Seeks frequent validation, approval, or praise
Over-apologise or fear making mistakes, worrying that they’ll be seen as incompetent or disappointing
Struggle with asserting boundaries, saying yes even when overwhelmed, for fear of conflict or disapproval
Crave validation from supervisors or colleagues and may feel unsettled without regular positive feedback
Take things personally, especially vague emails or a lack of response
In Stress or Crisis
When something big happens, like a breakup, loss of a job, an accident, a major illness, anxious attachment can become amplified:
Emotional intensity increases: feelings might feel urgent and overwhelming
There may be difficulty thinking clearly or making decisions without external input and reassurance
Panic, catastrophising, or a sense of “I can’t handle this alone” can take over
Old wounds resurface, especially fear of abandonment, rejection, or being “too much”
Example:
Olivia texts her partner multiple times if she doesn’t hear back quickly. Her mind spirals with worst-case scenarios: Did I do something wrong? Are they pulling away? Even when everything’s fine, she struggles to feel secure.
Gentle Reframe: Anxious attachment is not "too much"; it’s the nervous system doing its best to protect you in a world that hasn’t always felt emotionally safe.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: The Safety of Distance
Childhood Roots
Often shaped by emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers, this attachment style develops when children learn that expressing needs doesn’t lead to comfort, but to rejection or being ignored. So, they shut down their emotional world to protect themselves.
Core Traits
Strong preference for independence
Discomfort with emotional closeness
Minimises emotional needs, both their own and others’
Trusts logic more than feelings
In Relationships
May appear calm or “in control” but struggles with vulnerability
Often pulls away when things get emotionally intense
Avoids deep conversations or seems detached during conflict
In Work & Everyday Life
Highly self-reliant; tends to over-function or avoid collaboration
Keeps emotions out of the workplace
May be perceived as distant or overly task-focused
Avoids asking for help, even when overwhelmed
In Stress or Crisis
Shuts down emotions rather than expressing them
Distracts with productivity or retreats into solitude
May not recognise when they need help until it’s urgent
Example:
Jordan is deeply capable and self-sufficient. She handles everything herself and rarely opens up. When her partner asks for more emotional presence, Jordan feels flooded and pulls away, often burying herself in work.
Gentle Reframe: Avoidant patterns are a protective strategy. You learned early that being open made you vulnerable. That distance kept you safe back then, but now, it might be keeping intimacy at arm’s length.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment: Craving Closeness, Fearing It Too
Childhood Roots
Fearful-avoidant attachment often stems from trauma, neglect, or abuse, especially when the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. This creates an internal tug-of-war: "I need you, but you scare me."
Core Traits
Deep desire for connection
Equally deep fear of being hurt
Unpredictable or chaotic relationship patterns
Push-pull behaviour: gets close, then withdraws
In Relationships
Trust is hard to build and maintain
May sabotage closeness or test loyalty
Emotional responses can be intense and hard to regulate
In Work & Everyday Life
May fear both success and failure
Hard to trust authority figures or systems
Craves feedback but fears criticism
Feels overwhelmed by emotional demands at work
In Stress or Crisis
Emotional overwhelm or shutdown
May flip between reaching out and pushing others away
The nervous system reacts as if the threat is constant, even in safe environments
Example:
Chloe longs for a deep connection but panics when someone gets too close. She might suddenly pull away or behave in ways that create distance, convinced that she’ll eventually be hurt.
Gentle Reframe: Disorganised attachment comes from deep pain. Your system is trying to protect you from harm and longing for love. Healing means learning it’s possible to feel safe in connection.
Attachment is the pattern your nervous system uses to connect, protect and relate, shaped by early experiences and adaptable over time.
Attachment Isn’t Fixed
Attachment isn’t a personality type, it’s a pattern. And patterns can change.
What Helps Shift Attachment?
Awareness: Notice your triggers and reactions.
Pause & Reflect: Can you respond instead of react?
Communicate clearly: Name your needs directly.
Challenge beliefs: Like “I’m too much” or “I’ll always be abandoned.”
Seek support: Safe relationships (including therapy) are healing.
You Are Not Broken, You Are Adapting
Your attachment style is not a flaw; it’s a response to the emotional environment in which you grew up, and that makes sense.
But now that you’re aware of the pattern, you can choose differently. With curiosity, support, and compassion, you can start to feel safer in your relationships, your body, and yourself.
You deserve a connection that feels warm, mutual, and safe.
If you’re wondering what your attachment style might be, therapy can offer a safe space to explore it.
If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au
or call me on 0452 285 526
Related reading:
Relationship Anxiety: Understanding, Recognising, and Overcoming It
Why we accept the love we think we deserve
When Your Partner Shuts Down: Exploring the Roots of Emotional Withdrawal and How to Heal
