Trusting Your Instincts: Building Confidence After Abuse

Returning to dating after leaving a difficult relationship may seem daunting but, if you work on rebuilding your self-esteem, and understand your strengths and desires in a relationship, there's no reason why you should avoid starting dating again.

Abusive relationships, whether they involve physical or emotional abuse, are devastating to experience, and leaving one can bring a sense of relief on one hand and fear of entering into a new relationship on the other hand.  And then there is also the trauma that many survivors of abuse experience. Trauma affects people in a deep and damaging way. So it is understandable that you might find the idea of dating again disheartening. You might also fear being involved in another abusive relationship.

It is important to take the time to heal and focus on yourself before jumping back into the dating pool. Building your self-confidence and understanding your own worth is key to finding a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the future. Knowing what you need and deserve from a relationship will help you navigate the dating world. Learn to set boundaries and prioritise your well-being, which can reduce the risk of getting into a relationship that is not healthy for you.

BEFORE YOU START DATING

Recognising the importance of repairing trust

Abuse can considerably impact your ability to trust others, especially in close relationships. People who have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse may find it hard to trust others, fearing that they will face hurt or betrayal once again. Understanding the impact of abuse on trust is an important initial step in re-learning how to trust. It is vital to acknowledge that these feelings are valid and that it is normal to struggle with trust following abuse or betrayal. Being aware of this can help you look at the healing process as necessary to your recovery and treat yourself with empathy and patience.

Taking the necessary time to heal and reflect is key to rebuilding trust after leaving an abusive relationship. Prioritising self-care, seeking support from trusted loved ones, accessing counselling or participating in other therapeutic activities, and practising self-compassion are all essential. Healing is a gradual process that cannot be rushed, and it is important to give yourself the time to reflect and address the trauma. Through allowing time for healing and reflection, you can start to restore your self-worth and establish stronger foundations for healthy relationships.

Reaching out for professional help is an important step in your healing journey, especially if your relationship is not healthy. A trauma therapist or counsellor can offer you a safe and supportive environment to address the emotional and psychological effects of abuse. They can assist you in identifying behavioural patterns that might be hindering trust and help you develop strategies for nurturing healthy relationships. Moreover, this kind of support can provide you with validation making you feel less isolated in your experiences.

Unhealthy relationships also impact self-confidence. It is important to rebuild your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth before you enter into a new relationship. Again, overcoming this takes time, but it is important that you do this as it will help you avoid falling into a pattern of abusive relationships.

You know that you deserve better than what your last relationship was able to offer you, that you are worthy of a kind partner who respects and appreciates you. And you deserve genuine love. Write down all your positive qualities, ensuring that you do not overlook any. You never know, you might discover some you forgot you had. Reflect on past compliments and include them on your list. This can help in rebuilding your self-belief.

Rebuilding self-esteem and self-confidence is a vital part of the healing process after an abusive relationship. Practice self-care and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with positive affirmations and remind yourself of your worth. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem.

Taking Time for Self-Care and Self-Reflection

Taking time for self-care and self-reflection is essential as you embark on this new chapter of your life. Prioritise your well-being and engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. Practice mindfulness and meditation to reconnect with yourself on a deeper level.

Use this time to reflect on the lessons learned from your previous relationship. What are your non-negotiables? What qualities do you seek in a partner? By gaining clarity on your desires and values, you can approach new relationships with a stronger sense of self and a sense of purpose. Think about what you expect in your partner and in your relationship. Be as optimistic as you can, and jot down your thoughts. Review this frequently and have confidence that you can find a relationship and partner that aligns with your desires. Have faith that your ideal relationship is attainable.

Embrace the time spent alone. Fulfil the promises you made to yourself. Travelling is great, returning with increased strength, confidence, and self-awareness.

Ensure that you treat yourself well, giving yourself occasional gifts simply because you deserve them. Appreciate yourself for who you are. Engage in physical activity like going to the gym or exercising - the endorphins released will enhance your overall perspective. Consider taking an evening class on a subject that intrigues you to broaden your knowledge and keep your mind engaged.

Together, these steps will help you feel like a more valuable individual, one who has much to offer and, perhaps most crucially, one who is worthy and will avoid repeating past abusive relationships. It is natural to dwell on negative feelings initially, but it is vital to take proactive measures to move forward.

The more respect and love you have for yourself, the more likely you are to attract someone who values you.

DATING

Recognizing the Signs of Readiness to Start Over

Before embarking on a new relationship, it’s important to assess your readiness. Everyone heals at their own pace, so there’s no rush. Take the time to process your emotions and ensure that you have fully healed from the trauma of the abusive relationship. Signs of readiness may include feeling a sense of closure, having a positive outlook on love, and being emotionally available.

Building a support system for healing and recovery is key during this time. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can provide a safe space for you to share your experiences and offer guidance. Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can also be empowering and help you feel less alone.

Educate Yourself about Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships 

Having an awareness of what constitutes an abusive relationship, the power dynamic in a relationship, consent, the cycle of abuse, and healthy communication can help you identify warning signs in a relationship allowing you to spot signs of abuse before you commit yourself fully. It can also help you identify what matters to you and what your expectations are in a relationship.

Red Flags to Watch Out for in Potential Partners 

Identifying warning signs and establishing limits in new relationships is vital to avoid getting into another unhealthy relationship. Look out for signs of possessiveness, jealousy, or controlling behaviour. Trust your instincts and don't ignore any warning signs. Healthy relationships are based on trust, respect, and open communication.

Pay attention to how your potential partner reacts to your boundaries and past experiences. Are they understanding, empathetic, and supportive? Or do they dismiss your feelings and make you feel guilty for setting boundaries? It’s important to choose partners who uplift and empower you, rather than those who recreate the abuse you've endured.

Taking care of yourself and seeking support from reliable friends, family members, or professionals if any concerns arise is vital. Through recognising warning signs and creating boundaries, you can regain trust and cultivate healthy relationships built on mutual respect and trust.

 Learn to Trust Your Instinct

Trust your instincts. If something feels off or uncomfortable, trust your gut and prioritise your well-being. Don't hesitate to end a date or relationship if you feel unsafe or disrespected. Trusting your instincts is an essential skill that can help you make informed decisions and protect yourself from potential harm. There are things you can do to work on this skill. One is mindfulness. I know lots of people hate this word now, but what I mean by mindfulness is simply becoming more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. This in turn will allow you to tune into your instincts more effectively.

Another thing you can do is reflect on past experiences, it can be painful sometimes so doing it with a counsellor who is experienced in working with people who left abusive relationships would be helpful here. You could also consider past situations where you had a gut feeling about something, and whether your intuition was accurate. This can help you develop confidence in your instincts.

I would also encourage you to pay attention to physical sensations. Your body often provides physical cues when something doesn't feel right. Pay attention to sensations such as a tight chest, rapid heartbeat, or a sinking feeling in your stomach.

Take time to make decisions. Give yourself time to process information and tune into your intuition before making a decision. Avoid rushing or making impulsive choices.

Having the support of others is also an important step. It can be helpful to seek outside input from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist to gain additional perspectives, gain new insights and it can help you to identify any blind spots (we all have them).

Ultimately, trusting your instincts requires you to have faith in yourself and in your ability to make decisions. I want you to remember the person you were before the relationship. Remember the lifetime of experiences and wisdom that you have and which you can now use to draw on when you make choices.

Pinpoint Your Triggers

People who have left an unhealthy or even abusive relationship might experience PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), anxiety, or depression. You might be triggered when something reminds you of the relationship. It could be smell, taste, words, sound, shouting, music, just to name a few. When that happens, you might remember your ex, and if your ex was abusive, you might remember some incidents, that might be hard to shake off, or you might experience panic attacks. Ruminations are also very common.

You might not be aware of these triggers until you take time out to study yourself properly. When you can identify these triggers, you can discuss them with your potential partner to help you control them. 

Access Therapy

If you experience symptoms of PTSD or anxiety or depression after leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship it will affect your everyday life but also it will make it very difficult to even think about entering into a new relationship. Therefore, you might need help to heal and support you as you navigate the complex process of dating after leaving an abusive relationship. A therapist can help you process and heal from the emotional trauma you experienced, provide you with a safe and supportive environment to explore your feelings and help you develop coping strategies to manage any lingering emotional pain.

They can also help you identify and challenge negative self-beliefs, build self-confidence, and develop a positive self-image as well as help you identify patterns of behaviour that may have contributed to the abuse in your previous relationship, and teach you how to recognize and avoid similar patterns in the future.

A therapist can help you develop assertiveness skills, which are essential in maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. You can learn how to assert your needs, communicate effectively, and how to set boundaries in a healthy way.

Set Healthy Boundaries in New Relationships

Creating clear boundaries is vital when entering a new relationship. Communicate your boundaries openly and honestly with your partner. It’s important to be assertive and not compromise your needs for the sake of the relationship. Establish clear boundaries and expectations from the beginning, this can include the pace of the relationship, physical intimacy, and communication preferences. Communicate these boundaries to potential partners and be firm in enforcing them.

Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. If your partner respects your boundaries and treats you with kindness, it’s a positive sign. However, if they disregard your boundaries or exhibit controlling behaviour, it’s essential to address these issues and consider ending the relationship.

Navigate the Online Dating World Safely

With the rise of online dating platforms, it’s important to navigate this new territory cautiously, especially after experiencing abuse. Take your time to do the research and choose reputable dating platforms that prioritize user safety and have robust privacy settings. Be mindful of the information you share online and consider using a pseudonym until you feel comfortable revealing your identity.

There's no rush to jump into a new relationship. Take your time to heal, build your self-esteem, and identify what you're looking for in a partner.

When engaging with potential partners online, trust your instincts and be cautious about sharing personal details too soon, never give out sensitive personal information like your address or phone number until you feel comfortable and safe with someone. Take the time to get to know the person and establish a sense of trust before meeting in person. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or exhibits manipulative behaviour, trust yourself and cut off communication. Don't feel pressured to continue talking to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Meet in a public place. When meeting someone in person for the first time, always meet in a public place like a coffee shop or restaurant. Tell a friend or family member where you'll be and who you're meeting.

Set boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries and expectations and communicate them to your date.

Remember, healing and moving forward after an abusive relationship takes time and support.

EMBRACING A NEW CHAPTER OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS

Navigating the dating world after an abusive relationship requires patience, self-love, and perseverance. Recognize that healing takes time and that it’s okay to be single until you feel ready to start a new relationship. Trust yourself and listen to your intuition. Remember, you have the power to create a future filled with love, happiness, and healthy relationships. Embrace this new chapter of your life with confidence and know that you deserve nothing less than a love that uplifts and supports you.

If you would like to talk to me about your experience you can get in touch with via the Contact Me section of the website.

Suggested reading list:

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It offers practical advice on how to identify and trust your instincts to avoid dangerous situations, including in relationships.

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. This book offers insight into the minds of abusive men and provides strategies for healing and moving forward after an abusive relationship.

Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It helps to identify healthy and unsafe people in your life and offers guidance on setting boundaries and building safe relationships.

Getting Past the Pain: A Guide to Healing After Abuse by Susan Elliot-Wright. It offers practical strategies for healing after abuse and building healthy relationships in the future.

Dating After Trauma: How to Find the Love of Your Life After Surviving an Abusive Relationship by Emily Avagliano. It provides tips and strategies for navigating the dating world after experiencing trauma and building healthy, fulfilling relationships.

The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care by Sharon Martin. This book offers practical advice on self-care and self-love, which can be especially important after leaving an unhealthy relationship.

The Art of Self-Love by Simeon Lindstrom: This book offers practical strategies for building self-esteem and self-confidence, which are essential for healthy dating after experiencing an unhealthy relationship.