Trusting Your Instincts: Dating Again After Abuse
You’ve survived something that tried to erase you.
Now, you’re rebuilding. Maybe you're wondering:
Could I trust again?
Could I love again?
Could I trust myself again?
If you're feeling cautious, hopeful, guarded, or all three, you’re not alone. This is your space. A place to reflect, reconnect with your intuition, and move at your own pace.
Written by Kat O'Mara, a trauma-informed therapist based in Melbourne, Australia, supporting people recovering from relational trauma and emotional abuse.
Before You Even Think About Dating Again
Dating doesn’t need to be the next step. You don’t need to “move on” quickly. In fact, survivors of relational trauma often need to relearn how to feel safe in their own skin before even contemplating intimacy with another person. So pausing here might be the most protective thing you do.
Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe in my body most of the time?
Can I name what I won’t tolerate again?
Do I know what I value in a relationship?
If the answer to any of these is not yet, that’s a valid place to be. You can pause here. No relationship is worth bypassing your own nervous system.
👉 Read: What Safety Can Feel Like After Leaving an Unsafe Relationship
How Abuse Impacts Your Sense of Trust
Abuse often leads to a deep rupture in trust, not just in others, but in yourself. Many survivors say things like:
“I saw the signs and ignored them.”
“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
“I thought it was love. I thought I was the problem.”
These thoughts are often linked to fawning or freezing, nervous system states developed to survive. They’re not character flaws. They’re trauma adaptations. And they tend to silence your internal "warning system" over time.
You might doubt your instincts, second-guess your feelings, or feel ashamed for “falling for it.”
But these responses are trauma adaptations, not personal failings.
Rebuilding trust means:
Reconnecting with your felt sense (your body’s real-time signals)
Validating your younger, hurt parts rather than blaming them
Learning to spot how fear shows up in your body, not just that it does
This process can be supported by a therapist who understands relational trauma and attachment wounding. You’re not meant to do this alone.
Rebuilding Confidence Is a Grieving Process
Healing after abuse isn’t just about moving forward. It’s also about mourning who you became to survive.
You may grieve:
The part of you that shrank to survive
The time you spent coping
The way you disconnected from yourself
But as you heal, you can also notice:
The strength it took to leave
The values you still live by
The you that never disappeared, only dimmed
Try this:
Write a letter to the version of you who stayed. Tell her she did the best she could with what she knew.
Then write to the version of you who’s emerging now. What do you want her to remember about her worth?
This isn’t fluffy affirmation work. It’s repairing your relationship with yourself.
👉 Watch on YouTube: How to Take Back Your Power After Coercive Control
Relearning to Trust Your Gut
For survivors, intuition can feel like a shaky compass. If you’ve been gaslit, love-bombed, or manipulated, you might not know whether to listen to your fear or override it.
Rebuilding your intuition is an embodied process, not just a cognitive one. That means paying attention to:
Rebuilding your intuition is an embodied process, not just a cognitive one. That means paying attention to:
Sensory signals: Does your chest tighten? Is there a pit in your stomach?
Patterns: Are you drawn to the same kind of emotionally unavailable or overwhelming energy?
Your inner child: Does this dynamic feel familiar from your past?
We often think of instinct as something that should be loud and clear, but in trauma recovery, it’s usually quiet and requires patience.
Practices that help:
Body scans during or after dates
Journaling right after you meet someone (before you talk to friends)
Titration: Letting yourself dip into connection slowly, then retreating to notice what comes up
This slow tuning in builds what I call self-trust-in-motion. It won’t always feel clean or certain. That’s okay.
Intuition is a felt sense, not a loud voice. It often whispers, especially when recovering from relational trauma.
Red Flags and Nervous System Clues
Survivors often worry: “What if I miss the red flags again?”
The truth is, red flags aren’t always obvious. Sometimes the biggest clue is how you feel in your own body.
Even subtle warning signs matter.
🚩 Red flags:
You feel pressure to move faster than you’re ready for
They minimise your boundaries, calling them “too much” or “silly”
You feel confused, foggy, or ashamed around them
Your body feels tense after you see them
✅ Green lights:
You can say no without punishment
You feel emotionally seen, not just flattered
They’re curious, not intrusive
You notice your body softens when you’re with them
When in doubt, you’re allowed to take space. Time gives clarity. Slowness is not a flaw, it’s a strategy.
👉 Read: Relationship Red Flags: Signs You Shouldn't Ignore
Triggers Don’t Mean You’re Not Ready
You can be healing and still get triggered. That’s not failure, it’s your nervous system doing its job. What matters is how you respond to the trigger, not whether it exists.
Some common triggers:
A partner raising their voice
Certain smells or music
Feeling like your space or time isn’t your own
Being touched unexpectedly
When this happens:
Pause and ground. What do your feet feel like on the floor?
Name it. “I’m having a trauma response.”
Give yourself a choice. Stay, speak up, take a break—whatever your system needs.
If you have a supportive partner, you can share your triggers gently. You don’t have to trauma-dump. Just: “Sometimes I get overwhelmed in X situation. If I pause or step away, that’s me taking care of myself.”
Triggers are data. They don’t mean you’re broken. They mean you’re alive and healing.
Navigating the Online Dating World Safely
For some survivors, online dating can feel like a low-stakes way to re-enter the dating world. For others, it’s overwhelming and full of potential boundary violations. Either is okay.
Safety tips:
Use a nickname or limited profile until you feel safe
Avoid giving out personal information too soon
Meet only in public spaces
Tell a friend where you're going
Stop contact at any time, no justification needed
Trust discomfort, not just danger
👉 Read: Online Dating - Dating Safety Guide
Boundaries Are a Form of Self-Compassion
Boundaries are not rigid rules. They are dynamic, evolving expressions of self-worth and self-protection. Boundaries aren’t about being “difficult.” They’re about honouring your safety.
Try phrases like:
“I’d like to take things slow.”
“I’m not ready to share that.”
“Please don’t raise your voice around me.”
You are allowed to:
Take breaks from dating
Ask for reassurance
Say no to topics, timelines, or touch
Leave a situation without justifying it
Healthy partners don’t just tolerate your boundaries; they appreciate them. Your boundaries make you safer to love.
If holding boundaries feels scary or guilt-inducing, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re unlearning what was once required for survival.
👉 Read: Boundaries for Women Who Were Taught to Be ‘Nice’
You Get to Start Again - On Your Terms
You don’t have to earn love by being accommodating, easygoing, or trauma-free.
The right partner will want to meet you as you are, with your scars, your strength, and your desire to feel safe in your own body again.
You get to take your time.
You get to choose yourself, over and over.
You get to say: Not this time. Not like that.
And when you're ready, love can be a place of healing too.
💬 Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel terrified about dating again?
Yes. That fear is your nervous system trying to protect you after trauma. It makes sense to feel cautious. You’re not doing it wrong, you’re being wise. Go gently. There’s no timeline.
How do I know if I’m ready to date again?
There’s no perfect checklist, but signs of readiness might include: feeling grounded more often than overwhelmed, having a clearer sense of what you want (and won’t tolerate), and knowing that you can set boundaries and honour them.
What if I’m still attracted to emotionally unavailable or unsafe people?
This is common after trauma. It doesn’t mean you’re broken; it may reflect early attachment patterns or nervous system conditioning. It can shift, especially with support, self-awareness, and self-compassion.
Do I need to tell someone about my trauma history early on?
Only when you feel safe and ready. You don’t owe anyone your story. You get to choose when, how, and how much you share. A good partner will honour your pace.
Can I heal while I’m dating someone new?
Yes, but your healing deserves space. It can be helpful to stay attuned to how you feel in the relationship. Does it support your growth, or stir old patterns? Healing within connection can be powerful, but only if you feel emotionally safe.
What if I keep freezing or shutting down on dates?
That’s a protective response, your body’s way of trying to keep you safe. You’re not doing anything wrong. These moments are invitations to slow down, ground yourself, and reconnect with your safety. You don’t have to push through.
If you’re exploring life after abuse or wondering how to rebuild a sense of safety in connection, I offer gentle, trauma-informed counselling to support you.
You’re welcome to get in touch with me here.
Free Download: Dating After Trauma Starter Kit
Want to take this deeper? Download my free starter kit with journal prompts, red flag trackers, and reflection guides to help you rebuild trust and move forward gently and on your terms.
[Download it here]
