Relationship Red Flags: When Love Gets Complicated
"It wasn't always like this"
I hear this phrase constantly in my work. It’s whispered with confusion, spoken with a mix of hope and heartbreak. And honestly? It captures one of the most challenging aspects of being human in a relationship: sometimes the very person who makes us feel most cherished is also the one who leaves us feeling most uncertain.
That’s one of the hardest parts about recognising red flags. They don’t usually show up with sirens and flashing lights. Instead, they’re often tucked inside moments that feel like care, wrapped in affection, or delivered with that smile that first made your heart skip. When you’re emotionally invested, when you’ve opened your heart, shared your vulnerabilities, maybe even started planning a future together, it becomes incredibly difficult to separate what you hope this relationship could become from what it is, right now, in this moment.
Here’s what I want you to know from the start: red flags aren’t just personality quirks or minor flaws. They’re warning signs of potential harm to your self-worth, your sense of safety, and your capacity for joy. Recognising these patterns is an act of self-care, not self-sabotage.
That said, I also want to acknowledge something important.
A note on nuance:
The term “red flags” can be problematic. While it offers a helpful framework for noticing harmful patterns, it can also oversimplify complex relational dynamics or lead to premature judgment. It may be used to label normal relational challenges as dealbreakers, or to unfairly stigmatise people, especially those with mental health struggles, trauma histories, or neurodivergent ways of relating.
Sometimes what gets framed as a red flag is a bid for connection gone awry, a fear-based coping strategy, or a repairable wound, not a danger sign.
So this article isn’t a checklist for diagnosing your partner or making snap decisions. It’s an invitation to reflect, get curious, and tune into how your nervous system is responding. This is about you, your emotional safety, your clarity, your capacity to thrive in connection.
Bottom line: Red flags don’t always mean "leave now", but they do mean "pay attention."
When Care Becomes Confusion: Emotional Red Flags
The Push-Pull Dance: Inconsistent Behaviour
You know that feeling when someone is warm and present one day, then distant and cold the next? When you find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to figure out which version of them you're going to encounter?
Your partner might oscillate between warmth and withdrawal, leaving you confused, hypervigilant, or preoccupied with staying on their "good side." These hot-and-cold dynamics create what psychologists call an intermittent reinforcement loop, which can be addictive for the nervous system. It's like a slot machine that pays out just often enough to keep you pulling the lever, hoping for that next hit of connection.
🚩 Trust your body: If you feel emotionally dysregulated or anxious more often than calm or connected, your nervous system is telling you something important.
When Sorry Becomes Your Default: Lack of Accountability
We all mess up. We all have moments where we need to own our mistakes and make repairs. But consistent deflection of blame signals something deeper, emotional immaturity that can slowly erode your sense of reality.
They might rewrite events, minimise your feelings, or say things like "You're too sensitive" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing." Over time, this chips away at your ability to trust your perceptions and experiences.
One client told me: "I started keeping a journal because I genuinely wasn't sure anymore if I was remembering things correctly. I'd bring up something hurtful that happened, and by the end of the conversation, I'd somehow be apologising for bringing it up."
🚩 Notice the pattern: If you find yourself apologising even when you're not sure what you did wrong, something is off.
When Your Efforts Become Invisible: Lack of Appreciation
Chronic lack of recognition for your efforts or emotional labour isn't just rude, it can wear down your sense of mattering. We all need to feel seen and valued for what we bring to our relationships.
When someone never celebrates your wins, minimises your struggles, or expects you to keep giving without acknowledgment, your nervous system may begin to associate intimacy with depletion rather than nourishment.
Think about it: Do you feel energised by your relationship most of the time, or do you feel drained? Do you feel like your efforts and care are noticed and appreciated, or do they seem to disappear into a void?
The Foundation Matters: Trust, Boundaries & Respect
Living in Someone Else's Shadow: Constantly Comparing You to Their Ex
Whether they idealise or demonise their ex, persistent comparison creates an emotional triangle that keeps you destabilised. You might find yourself trying to be everything their ex wasn't, or feeling like you can never measure up to some mythical, perfect past relationship.
As one person put it: "I felt like I was auditioning for a role that someone else had already defined. No matter what I did, I was either 'not like her' or 'just like her', and neither seemed to be what he actually wanted."
🚩 The feeling to notice: You feel like you're competing with someone who's not even in the room.
The Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy
Everyone deserves privacy, the right to their own thoughts, their own space, their own internal world. But secrecy is different. Secrecy involves actively hiding, dodging questions, or punishing you for normal curiosity about your partner's life.
If your partner consistently dodges questions, hides parts of their life, or gets angry when you ask about things that seem reasonable to wonder about, it creates an unsafe, unpredictable environment where you never quite know where you stand.
🚩 The atmosphere to notice: You find yourself walking on eggshells around topics you're "not allowed" to bring up.
When Your Needs Become Negotiations: Boundary Violations
Boundaries are how we protect our safety and sense of self. They're not walls to keep love out; they're guidelines for how we want to be treated and what we need to feel safe and respected.
If your partner pushes back, mocks, or repeatedly crosses boundaries, especially around time, space, or intimacy, it's not a negotiation; it's an override. Healthy partners want to understand and respect your boundaries, even when they're inconvenient.
🚩 The internal shift to notice: You start feeling guilty for having needs or asking for what you want.
Holding on while everything’s spinning.
When Love Becomes Control: Manipulation Red Flags
The Cage of "Care": Possessiveness and Jealousy Framed as Love
What begins as flattery ("I just care so much," "I can't stand the thought of losing you") can slowly morph into surveillance, accusations, or control over who you see, what you wear, or how you spend your time.
This isn't love, it's anxiety, often masked as protection. Real love wants you to thrive, to have rich friendships, to feel confident and free in the world.
One client described it perfectly: "At first, I thought it was romantic how much he wanted to be with me. But slowly, I realised my world was shrinking. I stopped seeing friends because it was 'easier' than dealing with his mood afterwards. I changed how I dressed to avoid the comments. I didn't even realise it was happening until I looked around and realised he was the only person left in my life."
🚩 The life change to notice: You feel like your world is becoming smaller.
When Reality Becomes Negotiable: Gaslighting
This form of emotional abuse distorts your sense of reality. You might hear:
"That never happened."
"You're remembering it wrong."
"You're just being dramatic."
The result is confusion, self-doubt, and a growing dependence on your partner for emotional "truth." You start questioning your own memory, your own perceptions, your own instincts.
One person shared: "I actually started recording conversations because I was so confused about what was real. I'd bring up something that hurt me, and by the end of the conversation, I'd somehow be convinced it was my fault for 'misunderstanding' what they meant."
🚩 The internal shift to notice: You stop trusting your memory, instincts, or perception.
The Addiction of Early Love: Love-Bombing
Excessive attention, gifts, or declarations early on can feel intoxicating, especially if you have a trauma history or haven't experienced that kind of intensity before. But if the affection quickly gives way to devaluation or withdrawal, it can trap you in a cycle of craving what's no longer offered.
It might look like: Grand gestures that feel too much too soon, constant contact, being told you're "the one" before they really know you, or having your entire world revolve around their attention.
🚩 The emotional pattern to notice: You feel like you're chasing the high of how it felt at the start.
When Independence Becomes Impossible: Autonomy Red Flags
Money as a Weapon: Financial Control
Money becomes a lever of control when one partner:
Monitors or restricts access to funds
Sabotages your financial security or career
Uses money as leverage to keep you dependent
This kind of coercion can trap someone both economically and emotionally, making it feel impossible to leave even when you know you should.
🚩 The fear to notice: You start doubting your ability to survive without them.
When Your People Disappear: Isolation from Friends and Family
Often subtle at first ("They don't really get us, do they?" or "Your friends seem jealous of what we have"), isolation tactics cut you off from outside perspectives, reducing your ability to check whether your experience is valid.
It might sound like: "Your family is so dramatic," "Your friends are a bad influence," or "Why do you need other people when you have me?"
🚩 The world change to notice: Your world feels increasingly narrowed down to one person.
When Things Become Unsafe
Physical or Sexual Coercion
Any form of forced, pressured, or non-consensual sexual activity is a serious red flag. Similarly, physical aggression, even once, is not "just a bad fight." It signals a disregard for your bodily autonomy and safety.
If this is happening, you do not need to wait for more signs. You are already in harm's way.
The Language of Fear: Threats, Intimidation, or Destruction of Property
Slamming doors, hitting walls, or throwing things may not involve physical contact, but they are forms of emotional terrorism. These behaviours are meant to frighten, silence, or punish you.
The message being sent: "This could be you." "You better not push me." "See what you made me do."
Subtler But Still Serious Signs
When Care Becomes Surveillance
They always need to know where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. This may masquerade as concern, but often it's about monitoring, not care.
Loving partners trust you and want you to feel free in the world. They check in because they care, not because they're keeping tabs.
🚩 The feeling to notice: You feel more watched than supported.
Controlling Your Appearance
When criticism is framed as protection ("That's too revealing," "I don't want people looking at you"), it's about control, not love. Over time, this can chip away at your confidence and autonomy.
Your clothing, your body, your appearance, these are yours to decide.
When Your People See What You Can't
If multiple people who know and love you voice concerns, try not to dismiss them automatically. Sometimes those outside the relationship can see what you've been taught to rationalise or excuse.
One client said, "My sister kept asking if I was okay. My best friend said I seemed different. My mom mentioned I didn't seem like myself anymore. I thought they just didn't understand our relationship, but looking back, they were seeing something I couldn't."
The Deeper Patterns: Psychological and Developmental Considerations
Untreated Mental Health or Substance Use
Mental illness or addiction does not automatically make someone unsafe, but a refusal to engage in treatment, denial of consequences, or blaming others for their struggles does. You are not obligated to stay if your emotional or physical health is being harmed while someone refuses to get help.
There's a difference between "I'm struggling and I'm getting help" and "I'm struggling and it's everyone else's fault."
When Growth Becomes Impossible: Lack of Self-Awareness or Empathy
Some people cannot reflect on their behaviour, empathise with their experiences, or grow from feedback. Over time, this makes mutual understanding impossible, and you'll likely end up carrying the emotional labour of both partners.
🚩 The devastating pattern: They hurt you, and when you tell them, they make it about them.
It might sound like: "You're attacking me," "You're so critical," "I can't do anything right," or "You're just trying to make me feel bad."
Your Body Knows: Nervous System Clues That Something Is Off
Your body often knows before your mind catches up. Signs might include:
Chronic anxiety or gut discomfort around them
A sense of "freezing" or shutting down in their presence
Loss of appetite, joy, or sleep when you're together
Feeling like you're slowly disappearing or losing yourself
Trust these signals. Your nervous system is designed to keep you safe, and it's picking up on things your conscious mind might be trying to rationalise away.
Bottom Line: You Don't Have to Justify Your Discomfort
Even if there's no "proof" that something is wrong, your felt sense matters. You don't need a court of law to validate your experience. You don't need to convince anyone else that your discomfort is "justified."
Relationships should not leave you constantly:
Questioning your worth
Managing someone else's volatility
Dismissing your own intuition
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells
You are allowed to leave for any reason, including your peace.
You deserve relationships that help you feel more like yourself, not less. You deserve to feel seen, valued, and safe to be fully human, messy bits and all.
Need Space to Talk?
If parts of this feel familiar, please know that you're not alone and you're not crazy. Sometimes we need a safe, non-judgmental space to sort through our experiences and feelings.
I offer that space, no pressure, no judgment, just someone who understands how complicated love can be.
You don't have to figure it all out alone.
Remember: This isn't about finding fault or judging others. It's about helping you feel safer and clearer in your own relational world. You matter, your feelings matter, and your peace matters.
