Break Free from Toxicity: Building Self-Esteem Post-Abuse
Leaving a toxic relationship can feel like stepping off a cliff. Whether the relationship was with a partner, parent, friend, or someone else close to you, the process of detaching is rarely neat or straightforward. These relationships often entangle our self-worth, our identity, and even our sense of safety.
It’s normal to feel a confusing mix of relief, grief, guilt, and fear in the aftermath. As a therapist, I often sit with clients navigating these very waters, people who are wrestling with what just happened, what they’ve lost, and what healing might look like.
If you’re reading this, it means something inside you is stirring, a desire to reclaim yourself. That, in itself, is a courageous beginning. Healing is not linear, but it is possible. Let’s talk about how.
Understanding the Impact of Toxic Relationships
Before we can rebuild, we have to name what was broken. Toxic relationships often leave deep emotional imprints. Many people minimise or second-guess their experiences, especially if the harm was covert, such as manipulation, gaslighting or emotional neglect.
Emotional Impact
Toxic relationships can fundamentally alter how you see yourself. You may doubt your worth, your memory and your instincts. You might hear an inner critic echoing the voice of the person who hurt you, telling you you’re too much, not enough, unlovable.
This confusion is not a character flaw. It’s what happens when love is conditional, when kindness is inconsistent, when your nervous system is chronically braced for impact.
Psychological Impact
It’s common to experience intrusive memories, self-doubt, or cognitive dissonance: “It wasn’t that bad... was it?” You may find yourself missing the person who hurt you, or fixating on fleeting moments of warmth as proof that maybe the relationship was salvageable.
These are natural trauma responses. Our brains are wired for connection and survival, not clarity.
Physical Impact
Abuse and sustained emotional stress take a toll on the body. You might notice fatigue, tension, poor sleep, gut issues, or frequent illnesses. When your body has spent months or years in survival mode, it doesn’t shift gears overnight.
Healing starts with acknowledging the full impact and gently validating your own experience. You are not overreacting. You are responding to something that was real.
Creating a Support System
Toxic dynamics often isolate us: emotionally, socially, even spiritually. Rebuilding a sense of connection is essential.
Reaching Out
If you lost touch with friends or family during the relationship, consider who feels safe to reconnect with. You don’t have to share everything. Start with what feels manageable.
If past relationships are no longer safe or supportive, know that you can build new ones. Seek out communities that feel values-aligned, whether that's through support groups, hobbies, or healing spaces.
Professional Support
Therapy can be life-changing here. A trauma-informed therapist provides a space to make sense of your experience, rebuild self-trust, and develop new ways of relating.
You might also explore group therapy or peer support spaces. There’s something incredibly powerful about hearing someone say, “Me too,” and realising you’re not alone or broken.
Allowing Yourself to Grieve
Yes, grief. Even when a relationship was harmful, you may still miss the good times, the potential, or the version of the person you once believed in.
Grief after abuse is complex. You might mourn the loss of a dream, the years invested, or the version of yourself that existed before the harm. These feelings are not signs of weakness, they’re part of your humanity.
Permit yourself to feel it all: the anger, the sadness, the relief, the guilt. Grief isn’t a problem to fix, it’s a process to move through.
Breaking the Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is a powerful attachment that forms through cycles of abuse, where moments of kindness are mixed with harm. These unpredictable highs and lows create an addictive loop, reinforcing emotional dependency.
You may still feel drawn to your ex, even if you know the relationship wasn’t good for you. That doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human. Breaking the bond requires distance, time, and support.
Practical Steps:
Cut contact (including social media) where possible.
Journal your memories as they were, not as your hope wanted them to be.
Remind yourself: Missing someone doesn’t mean you should go back.
Rechannel your energy into things that soothe and anchor you, creativity, nature, movement and spirituality.
Rebuilding Identity After Abuse
Toxic relationships often chip away at our sense of self. You may have shaped yourself around the needs of the other person, constantly shrinking or contorting to keep the peace. Now is the time to rediscover you.
Start by reflecting on your values: What matters most to you? What brings you joy, even in small doses? What kind of relationships do you want to nurture moving forward?
Explore your creativity, your curiosity, your long-neglected interests. Think of this as a season of reclamation, not reinvention. You’re not starting from scratch, you’re remembering who you were before you had to survive.
Learning to Trust Again
This part takes time, and that’s okay.
Rebuilding Self-Trust
If you were gaslit or chronically invalidated, your internal compass may feel broken. Begin by honouring your small daily instincts. Choose what to eat, whom to call, and what to wear based on what you want. Let these small acts remind you: you are allowed to take up space.
Trusting Others
You don’t have to rush into new relationships. When you’re ready, move slowly. Let people earn your trust. Watch not just their words, but their consistency. Healthy relationships feel different, with less adrenaline, more ease.
And remember: Boundaries are not punishments. They are guides for how you want to be treated.
The Role of Forgiveness
This part is often misunderstood. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean reconciling. And it certainly doesn’t mean excusing what happened.
Forgiveness, in the context of healing, simply means releasing yourself from carrying the weight of their choices. It’s about freeing your energy so it can return to you.
If you’re not there yet, or never want to be, that’s okay too. Forgiveness is never a prerequisite for healing.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve Peace
If you’ve left a toxic relationship, or are preparing to, know that healing is not only possible, it’s your birthright. You are not broken. You are someone who has lived through something painful and is still choosing to show up for yourself.
Your story doesn’t end with trauma. It continues with truth, choice, and the slow, beautiful work of coming home to yourself.
If you want to talk to me about your experience, you can email me:
at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
or call me on 0452 070 738
