Shame, Identity & Self-Worth Counselling
Trauma-informed counselling for shame, self-criticism and low self-worth online across Australia and in person in Melbourne.
Many people struggling with shame don't necessarily describe it as shame. Instead, they talk about a harsh inner critic, persistent self-doubt, difficulty accepting compliments, feeling not good enough, or a sense that they are somehow different from other people.
Shame can affect how you see yourself, how you relate to others, and what you believe you deserve. It often develops in response to early experiences such as criticism, emotional neglect, bullying, family dysfunction, trauma, or relationships where acceptance felt conditional. Over time, these experiences can become internalised. What began as something that happened to you can start to feel like a reflection of who you are.
The good news is that shame is not a fixed part of your identity. With understanding, self-compassion, and the right support, these patterns can begin to change.
What this can feel like
You might recognise some of the following:
an inner critic that is relentless, and rarely impressed
difficulty believing that good things, in relationships, at work, in life, \ are really for you
a sense of performing or managing how you appear to others
feeling fundamentally different from other people, or somehow behind
struggling to receive a compliment, an apology, or care without deflecting it
a vague but persistent sense that you are the problem
not quite knowing who you are outside of what you do for others, or how you're perceived
These aren't character flaws. They're usually the residue of early experiences: messages, dynamics or absences that settled into the way you understand yourself.
Where shame often comes from
Shame develops in relational contexts. It rarely arrives alone; it usually comes as a response to being criticised, dismissed, humiliated or simply not seen clearly by people who mattered.
Sometimes it's explicit, being told you were too sensitive, too difficult, too needy, not good enough. Sometimes it's more implicit, the absence of warmth, the conditional nature of approval, the sense of never quite measuring up without anyone ever saying so.
It can also develop in the context of abuse, where shame is often deliberately cultivated, used to keep people confused, compliant or feeling responsible for what happened.
Identity and the sense of self
For some people, what brings them to this work isn't just shame, it's a more pervasive uncertainty about who they are.
Perhaps a relationship, or a family dynamic, or a long period of adapting to others has left you less sure of your own preferences, instincts, and needs. Perhaps you find it hard to know what you actually think or feel without first checking what others seem to want.
This can be particularly pronounced after emotional abuse, where the gradual erosion of self-trust is often one of the central effects.
What the work looks like
Shame is best worked with slowly and carefully because moving too quickly can actually reinforce it.
We begin by building enough safety in the relationship for difficult things to be said and received without judgment. This is itself part of the work.
From there, we might look at:
where specific beliefs about yourself came from
the difference between guilt and shame, and what each is asking for
what it means to extend to yourself the kind of care you might extend to others
how to begin trusting your own perceptions and instincts again
This work isn't about positive thinking or affirmations. It's about understanding, at a deeper level, that the story you've been carrying about yourself may not be accurate — and beginning, slowly, to build something more solid in its place.
Practical details
Sessions run for 60 minutes and are available online via Zoom and in person in Melbourne.
Online sessions offer flexibility and privacy, which can matter especially when the work touches on things you've rarely said aloud. In-person sessions can feel more contained for some people. Either is a valid place to begin.
If you're not sure where to start, many people begin with a short consultation to get a sense of whether the work feels like a good fit. Others prefer to book a full session straight away.
Self-managed and plan-managed NDIS clients are welcome.
For fees and availability, see Fees & FAQ.
You don't have to feel "bad enough" to come
Shame often tells people that their experience doesn't warrant support, that others have it worse, that they should be able to manage, that wanting help is itself a weakness.
That's the shame talking.
If something in this resonates, that's enough.
You might find it helpful to read:
→ The Devastating Impact of Toxic Shame on Self-Worth
→ When Your Inner Critic Was Never Really Yours
→ Why You Can't "Just Say No" – The Truth About People-Pleasing
→ Why Always Being the Strong One Leaves You Exhausted and Alone
→ You're Not Too Sensitive, You're Wired for Depth
→ Explore all Shame, Identity & Self-Worth articles
If you’re starting to question how you see yourself, or want something to feel different, you can read more about what working together might feel like here:
Frequently asked questions
What's the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt is about something you did: “I made a mistake.” Shame is about who you are: “I am the mistake.” Guilt can prompt repair and then ease; shame tends to linger and corrode, because no action resolves “being the problem”. Much of this work is about gently separating the two, so that ordinary fallibility stops being read as evidence of something wrong with you.
Will therapy just make me dwell on my childhood?
Understanding where a belief about yourself began can bring real clarity, so we may look back, but the past isn't where we stay. A great deal of the work is about the present: how shame shows up now, in your body and your relationships, and what helps it ease. We move at a pace you can manage, and nothing is revisited before you're ready.
Do I need a diagnosis or a specific reason to come?
No. Many people arrive simply feeling worn down, self-critical, or unsure who they are anymore, without a clear label for it. You don't have to justify your reasons or prove that things are serious enough.
I've tried affirmations and they didn't help. Why would this be different?
Because shame doesn't live in your conscious thoughts, it lives in the nervous system, in the felt sense that it isn't safe to be fully yourself. Affirmations argue with the surface while the deeper alarm keeps running. This work is slower and more relational: it's about the lived experience of being accepted as you are, which is what actually shifts the underlying belief.
Do you offer sessions outside Melbourne?
Yes. In-person sessions are in Melbourne, but online sessions via Zoom work well for this kind of work and are available more widely. Many people find that meeting from their own space makes it easier to begin.
When you're ready: Book a session