Rebuilding After Abuse: Steps to Finding Closure
Breaking up is never easy, whether it was a brief fling or a long-term commitment. Separation often brings a whirlwind of emotions: sadness, confusion, relief, fear, and grief. Ending an abusive relationship adds another layer of complexity to these feelings.
As a therapist, I often meet people who struggle to make sense of their relationship experiences, especially if abuse was present. This blog focuses on healing and finding closure after an unhealthy relationship ends. If you're going through this, or supporting someone who is, I hope the insights below offer guidance, validation, and comfort.
Understanding the Nature of Abusive Relationships
The first step in recovery is understanding what made the relationship abusive. Abuse isn’t always obvious, it can be emotional, psychological, financial, physical, or sexual. Many people don’t realise they were in an abusive relationship until long after it ends.
Common patterns in abusive relationships include:
Control and manipulation: Monitoring your whereabouts, finances, or social life.
Gaslighting: Making you question your perception of reality.
Isolation: Limiting your access to friends and family.
Verbal or physical aggression: Shouting, name-calling, threats, or physical harm.
Unpredictable behaviour: Cycling between affection and cruelty.
Leaving this cycle is incredibly difficult. Recognising these patterns is a crucial first step toward healing.
Grieving After Abuse: Why It’s Complicated
Mourning a Toxic Relationship
It’s normal to grieve after a breakup, but when the relationship was abusive, that grief can feel confusing or even shameful. You might wonder:
“Why do I miss someone who treated me so badly?”
“Shouldn’t I feel relieved?”
“How can I grieve someone who hurt me?”
Grief in this context isn’t just about missing a person. It’s also about:
The life you imagined having with them
The version of yourself you lost
The “good” times you experienced, even if they were part of a harmful cycle
Grieving a Lost Dream
Most relationships begin with hopes and dreams. Even in harmful ones, you may have believed things would improve. You might grieve:
A future that now won’t happen
A sense of normalcy you hoped for
The idea of what the relationship could have been
This is valid grief, even if the relationship was toxic.
Mourning the “Good” Parts
Abuse often follows a cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and discard. During the “good” phases, your partner may have seemed charming, loving, or remorseful.
It’s okay to miss those moments. Longing for them doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you're human. Recognising both the pain and the attachment is part of recovery.
Grieving the Loss of Identity
Abuse can chip away at your sense of self. You may have shaped your identity around your partner’s needs or moods. After the breakup, you might feel:
Empty
Directionless
Disconnected from who you used to be
Reclaiming your identity is one of the most profound (and necessary) steps in healing.
Emotions That Arise in the Aftermath
Shame: "How Did I Let This Happen?"
You may ask yourself:
“Why did I stay so long?”
“Why didn’t I see the red flags?”
These are normal responses, but they often come from a misunderstanding of abuse. Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of strength, intelligence, or background. Abusers use tactics like gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional manipulation to erode your reality.
Guilt: "Was It My Fault?"
Years of blame from an abuser can make you internalise their narrative:
“You made me do this.”
“If you weren’t so difficult…”
The truth? Abuse is a choice. You are not responsible for someone else’s violence or cruelty.
Fear: "What If I Can’t Move On?"
Common fears after leaving include:
Being alone forever
Falling into another abusive relationship
Facing retaliation or manipulation
These fears are valid. With support, therapy, and time, it is possible to build a life that feels safe, whole, and yours.
Anger: "Why Didn’t I See It?"
You might feel angry at your ex, yourself, or the situation. This is healthy.
Anger is protective. Let it motivate you to set boundaries, speak your truth, and claim your space. Avoid turning it inward, where it becomes shame, depression, or self-blame.
Loneliness: "I Feel So Empty"
Abuse often isolates. After the breakup, even with support around you, loneliness can feel intense.
You can reconnect with others and with yourself. Support groups, friends, family, and counselling can all help you rebuild connections.
Practical Steps to Rebuild
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Suppressing grief can prolong it. Give yourself permission to:
Feel sad or conflicted
Mourn the good and the bad
Talk, journal, or cry
There’s no “right” timeline for grief.
2. Stop Negative Self-Talk
Years of belittling or criticism can become internalised. Watch for thoughts like:
“I’m not good enough”
“It’s my fault”
“I’ll never be okay”
These are echoes of abuse, not truths. Therapy can help you reframe these patterns and restore your self-esteem.
3. Set and Protect Your Boundaries
If possible, cut off contact. If you must stay in touch (e.g., due to children), consider:
Keeping communication brief and written
Having others present during handovers
Limiting conversations to logistical topics
Boundaries protect your energy, safety, and healing.
4. Consider Trauma-Informed Counselling
A skilled therapist can help you:
Understand what happened
Rebuild your identity
Process trauma symptoms
Reclaim a sense of control
Evidence-based approaches like trauma-informed CBT, EMDR, or internal family systems can be especially helpful.
Final Thoughts
Healing from an abusive relationship is not linear. Some days you’ll feel strong, other days exhausted. That’s normal.
You don’t have to do this alone. Whether you’re grieving the past, navigating complex emotions, or trying to rebuild your life, support is available. Your story matters. Your healing is possible. And most importantly: you deserve safety, respect, and peace.
If this resonated with you or someone you care about, consider sharing it. Healing becomes more possible when we stop feeling alone.
If you would like to talk to me, email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
or call me on 0452 070 738
