Stalking Isn’t Love

A bouquet left on your doorstep. A surprise visit at work. Dozens of text messages expressing undying love.

In romantic comedies, these are grand gestures. The determined admirer eventually wins over their reluctant love interest because they simply “didn't give up”.

But in real life, these actions can mark the beginning of something terrifying.

This isn't about passion.
This is about control.

Most victims know their stalker, often an ex-partner, which makes the experience even more traumatising. The person who claimed to love you now becomes someone who follows your every step, invades your privacy, and erodes your sense of safety.

Think about how media shapes our perception of persistence. In Twilight, Edward watching Bella sleep is framed as protective devotion. In You, Joe's obsessive stalking is portrayed as some sort of twisted romanticism. These narratives dangerously blur the line between love and abuse, making it harder to recognise the warning signs.

Real love respects "no" the first time.
Everything else is something different.

If Any of This Is Happening, It May Be Stalking

Sometimes it's hard to name what you're experiencing, especially when others tell you it's “romantic” or you're “overreacting”. Here are signs that what's happening may be stalking:

Repeated contact after you've said no: texts, calls, emails, messages through friends or family, or contact through new accounts after being blocked.

Showing up where you are “by coincidence” at your workplace, gym, favourite coffee shop, or places you frequent, especially after you've asked for space.

Monitoring your social media or using others to get information, commenting immediately on posts, asking mutual friends about you, or creating fake accounts to view your profiles.

Making you change your routines to feel safe like driving different routes, shopping at different stores, checking under your car, or avoiding places you used to enjoy.

If you recognize these patterns, trust what you're feeling. Your unease is information.

What Stalking Actually Feels Like

For one woman, each flower delivery at her workplace triggered a wave of nausea. Her co-workers thought he was being romantic, but to her, his gesture was menacing. Each bouquet was a message from her ex: I can find you anywhere, at any time.

Even after she told him to leave her alone, he continued to invade her space. She became hypervigilant, always checking over her shoulder to see if he was lurking in the alleyway or around the corner. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't relax.

“The flowers weren't tokens of love”, she said. “They were constant reminders that he knew where I worked, who my friends were, and that my 'no' meant nothing to him. Other people would say I was so lucky to have someone who loved me so much”.

Another woman's nightmare unfolded more subtly, disguised as coincidences. First, she spotted her ex at her local shop. When she asked what he was doing there, he swore it was a chance meeting. Later, she found him at her gym, though he was never interested in working out when they were together.

The situation escalated when he began lurking outside her home every night, insisting he just wanted to “talk things over”.

“I began to question myself," she recalls. “Was this normal behaviour after a breakup? Eventually I noticed how much my life had changed. I started planning my day around avoiding him. I drove to work the long way. I went shopping at a different store. I checked under my car before I got in. Simple things like walking to my car became frightening”.

This is what stalking does. It turns everyday life into a minefield of fear.

Victims exist in a constant state of hyperarousal, scanning for danger, planning escape routes if they spot their stalker. This ongoing stress impacts every area of life: sleep, work, relationships, mental wellbeing. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Panic attacks.

If you want to understand what prolonged fear does to the nervous system, this article explains why your body stays on high alert even when you're “safe”.

Some people relocate, quit their jobs, or withdraw from social life in a desperate attempt to avoid their stalker. The psychological damage can last long after the stalking stops. Many struggle to trust others or form new relationships.

Your body remembers what it had to survive.

Ignoring ‘stop’ keeps the body in survival mode.

Recognising the Pattern

Stalking doesn't usually start with overt threats. It begins with things that might appear harmless, even nice. But if they continue despite you asking them to stop, they become troubling.

At first, you might receive too many texts and calls. Not threatening, just too much. They show up at your favorite coffee shop, gym, or restaurant. They bring unwanted gifts or offer help, saying they just want to do something nice for you.

When you try to set boundaries, they find ways around them, always ready with excuses: “I was in the neighbourhood". “I thought you might need help". “I was worried about you".

As time goes on, these behaviors intensify. Contact becomes more frequent. Accidental encounters seem less accidental. They watch your social media obsessively, commenting on posts immediately after you publish them. They contact your friends to gather information about you. They appear at your workplace for no reason.

As the stalker tests how far they can go, they will become bolder, often explaining their behaviour to others as misunderstandings.

One woman described how the random sightings of her ex at the supermarket evolved into him waiting outside her building every night. When she didn't acknowledge him, his behaviour escalated. He began sending emails from different addresses when she blocked his number. He left notes on her car. He created fake social media accounts to view her profiles after she blocked him on every platform.

Stalking often starts slowly and intensifies over time. The stalker tests your boundaries, then crosses them, then ignores them entirely. As they discover how far they can push, they become bolder, often explaining their behavior to others as misunderstandings.

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of stalking is how it makes victims doubt their own reality. Many stalkers appear calm and caring to everyone else while terrorizing their victims in private. When victims try to describe their fear, it's often dismissed: “He's just being kind". “You're being paranoid."

This adds another layer of trauma, leaving victims isolated in their fear.

Additionally, stalking can escalate to physical violence, especially when the stalker is a former intimate partner. What starts as unwanted contact may evolve into threats, property damage, and even physical attacks.

While not every situation turns violent, it happens often enough that all stalking should be taken seriously.

Different Types, Same Violation

Understanding different stalking patterns can help you identify your situation and assess potential risks. Though every situation is unique, some patterns emerge.

The Ex-Partner Stalker struggles to accept the breakup and sees their ongoing pursuit as devotion, not harassment. They believe if they just try hard enough, they can win back their ex. Their actions typically involve repetitive messaging, tracking the victim's whereabouts, and trying to insert themselves into the victim's life. This is the most common type of stalking and the most likely to escalate to violence, especially if the stalker discovers their ex has moved on.

The Revenge Stalker feels they've been wronged and needs to punish their victim. Unlike the ex-partner stalker who wants reconciliation, the revenge stalker wants their victim to suffer. Their behavior may include spreading rumors, destroying property, or making threats. They're driven by anger, which makes them unpredictable and dangerous.

Cyberstalkers use technology to harass and intimidate both online and offline. They hack accounts, create fake profiles to monitor social media, or use spyware to track communication. The anonymity of technology emboldens these stalkers, and harassment can escalate to outright threats quickly. This digital access allows them to invade their victim's life at any moment, from any location.

One woman described her experience after briefly dating someone she met online: “He knew everything about me: where I'd been, who I'd talked to. Even after I changed my passwords, he could still access my accounts. I later found out he'd installed spyware on my phone when we were together."

The Awkward Admirer misreads social cues and interprets rejection as a test, not a “no." They believe they share some special connection with their target. They act like devoted fans, sending gifts and love letters, refusing to accept obvious signs to stop. Though their actions may start as merely bothersome, their refusal to accept reality becomes dangerous when their delusions collide with rejection.

There are other types: the Stranger Stalker, the Celebrity Stalker, the Workplace Stalker, but they all share one thing: complete disregard for their victim's boundaries.

What makes stalking particularly insidious is how it exploits social norms around persistence and romance. Many stalkers genuinely believe their behaviour is justified, even admirable, because they've internalised harmful narratives about “fighting for love" or “never giving up."

This self-justification makes them resistant to reason and more likely to escalate when faced with continued rejection.

If you're wondering what drives someone to stalk despite clear rejection, my blog on limerence and obsessive attraction explores the neurobiological patterns behind this behavior. Understanding these patterns doesn't excuse stalking, it remains a choice to violate boundaries—but it can help victims make sense of why their "no" isn't being heard.

Dangerous Myths That Keep Victims Silent

Stalking is more common than many people realise and it's often minimised or misunderstood. One in six women and one in nineteen men in Australia have been stalked at some point in their lifetime. Behind each of those statistics are thousands of people whose sense of safety has been shattered by someone who won't take no for an answer.

Yet stalking persists partly because of common misconceptions that minimise its seriousness and blame victims. These false beliefs spread misinformation and harm victims by making them hesitant to seek help.

One of the most harmful myths is that stalking indicates affection or devotion. Friends say, “He's just showing how much he loves you" or “She must really care to go to all that trouble".

This completely misunderstands stalking. It's not love; it's behaviour aimed at controlling, intimidating, and isolating someone. Love respects boundaries. Stalking systematically violates them.

One harmful myth is that victims are to blame for their stalker's actions, suggesting they “led them on" or “didn't set clear boundaries". This ignores the fact that most victims have clearly rejected their stalkers multiple times. The issue lies not in unclear communication but in the stalker's unwillingness to accept rejection.

Another misconception is that stalking only occurs in person, which dismisses the serious issue of cyberstalking. This form of stalking can be just as traumatic and often harder to escape. It creates a feeling of being unsafe everywhere, including at home and in private online spaces. The mental toll can be severe, yet many still see online harassment as less serious than physical stalking.

Perhaps the most dangerous myth is that stalking is merely annoying, not a real threat. Statistics tell a different story: stalking often leads to physical violence, especially with former partners. Many domestic homicides are preceded by stalking, making early intervention crucial for safety.

Society glorifies the idea of pursuing someone, which makes it hard for victims to recognize warning signs and for communities to provide appropriate support. When films and music celebrate actions that are actually stalking in real life, they create a culture where harassment seems normal and victims' concerns are dismissed.

Some people confuse obsession or intensity with love. If you're trying to understand the difference between longing and genuine connection, this piece on limerence explores that distinction.

How to Protect Yourself

If you're experiencing stalking, please remember: you're not alone. There are steps you can take to increase your safety and reclaim control of your life.

Document everything. Keep detailed records of all incidents: texts, emails, social media contact, unexpected encounters, gifts, property damage, anything that forms part of the pattern. Note dates, times, locations, and any witnesses. Save screenshots before deleting messages. Photograph any unwanted gifts or property damage.

This documentation serves two purposes: it helps establish the pattern of behavior necessary for legal intervention, and it provides objective evidence when you begin to doubt your own perceptions.

Build a support network. Tell trusted friends, family members, and colleagues about your situation. Be specific about who is stalking you and what behaviors they've exhibited. Ask your support people to document any contact the stalker makes with them about you.

Having witnesses who can corroborate your experience not only strengthens any legal case but provides emotional validation during a time when many victims question their own reality.

Consider your digital safety carefully. Blocking your stalker on every platform may not always be the best option. Surprisingly, blocking can sometimes escalate behavior, as the stalker might seek other ways to reach you.

Instead, consider setting up a “controlled channel" one monitored way for the stalker to contact you that limits their access while protecting your personal information and not disrupting your daily life.

Important: In some situations, especially where there's a history of violence, threats, or escalation, safety planning with police or a specialist service is essential before trying any contact strategy, including a controlled channel.

One woman explained her approach: “I set up an email address just for my ex. I told him I could check it once a week, and he could send messages there but nowhere else. This gave him an outlet that felt like contact to him, while giving me control over when and how I engaged. If he violated the boundary by contacting me elsewhere, I wouldn't check the special email for a month. It wasn't perfect, but it reduced the unexpected contacts that were causing me so much anxiety".

Beyond the controlled channel, review privacy settings on all social media accounts. Use strong, unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication. Check devices for tracking apps or spyware. Ask friends not to tag your location or share details about where you are online.

Create a safety plan. Identify safe places to go in an emergency. Change your routines to be less predictable. Keep someone updated about your movements. Have emergency contacts readily available. Prepare essential items in case you need to leave your home quickly.

Think through different scenarios ahead of time so you can make decisions calmly, rather than in panic.

Consider legal protection. Intervention orders, restraining orders, or protection orders (terminology varies by jurisdiction) create legal boundaries that make violations criminal offenses. Not every stalker will be stopped by legal action, but having these protections provides more options for intervention if behavior persists or worsens.

Contact specialized support services. These organizations understand the unique difficulties of stalking and can provide emotional support, practical guidance, and help navigating legal matters. They can also connect you to other survivors who understand your experience.

Trust your instincts. Victims often report knowing on some level that their situation was dangerous before they had hard evidence. That intuitive sense of threat is an evolutionary survival mechanism worth heeding.

If something feels wrong, take it seriously.

Resources for Support

If you're facing stalking, support is available across Australia:

1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) provides 24/7 support for sexual assault and domestic violence issues. They understand stalking and can help you create personalized safety plans.

Lifeline (13 11 14) offers crisis support and suicide prevention services. If you're feeling overwhelmed, Lifeline can provide immediate emotional support and connect you to specialized services.

Police (000 for emergencies, 131 444 for non-emergency) can help you report stalking and create an official record of incidents.

Legal aid offices provide free consultations for individuals facing stalking, helping you explore legal protection options. University law clinics may also offer similar assistance to community members.

SmartSafe app (created by the Safe and Equal organisation) lets you securely record stalking incidents and keep evidence safe for possible legal use.

A Final Word

Your safety, dignity, and peace of mind matter. Seeking help is the first step toward reclaiming your life and escaping fear.

Stalking often flourishes in isolation. Reaching out to support services breaks that isolation and creates a path toward safety and healing.

If stalking has distorted your sense of what love should feel like, this article explores what safe, mutual connection actually looks like.

If you or someone you know is experiencing stalking, you don't have to face it alone. I'm here to help.

📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526

This blog post was last updated in December 2025. For the most current information on stalking laws and resources, please consult legal professionals or support services directly.