Recognising Real Transformation in Abusive Relationships
Content Warning: This article discusses domestic abuse and manipulation tactics
Recovery from domestic abuse is complex and challenging. When an abusive partner seeks counselling or promises to change, it's natural to feel hopeful. But how can you distinguish between genuine transformation and manipulative tactics designed to keep you in the relationship? This guide will help you identify reliable indicators of true change versus empty promises.
The Cycle of Abuse: Recognising the Pattern
Many abusive relationships follow a predictable cycle:
Building Tension: Your partner becomes increasingly irritable and impatient, with anger escalating in frequency and intensity.
The Incident: An explosion occurs, whether verbal abuse, property damage, or physical/sexual violence.
The "Honeymoon" Period: Temporary calm follows, often featuring apologies, gifts, or proclamations of love.
Return to Tension: The cycle begins again, with the "honeymoon" phases typically becoming shorter over time.
Warning Sign: If this cycle persists despite promises of change, it suggests your partner isn't making genuine progress.
What Real Change Looks Like: Breaking this cycle completely through consistent therapy attendance, implementing new communication strategies, and maintaining respectful behaviour even during disagreements.
Beyond Empty Apologies: Genuine Accountability
Meaningful apologies demonstrate:
Full acknowledgment of harmful behaviours
Understanding of the impact those behaviours had on you
No justifications or blame-shifting
Concrete steps to prevent recurrence
Warning Sign: Apologies that minimise ("I barely touched you"), justify ("You made me so angry"), or redirect blame ("If you hadn't provoked me...") indicate a lack of accountability.
Real Change Looks Like: "I was wrong to speak to you that way. I understand now how my words hurt you and damaged your trust. I'm working with my therapist to identify my triggers and develop healthier responses."
Empty Promises vs. Consistent Actions
Pay attention to patterns rather than isolated moments of improvement.
Warning Signs:
Love-bombing (excessive affection and gifts) following abusive episodes
Conditional promises ("I'll change if you...")
Refusing to discuss past abusive behaviour
Initial improvement that gradually reverts to old patterns
Real Change Looks Like: Sustained behavioural change over time without expectation of reward or recognition, consistent respect for boundaries, and ongoing commitment to personal growth.
Isolation and Control Tactics
Abusers often isolate their partners to maintain control and prevent external support.
Warning Signs:
Criticism of your friends and family
Creating "emergencies" when you have plans with others
Monitoring your communications
Making you feel guilty for spending time away
Real Change Looks Like: Encouraging your independent relationships, supporting your personal interests, and respecting your autonomy.
When Children and Finances Become Weapons
Using children or financial resources as leverage demonstrates a continued pattern of control.
Warning Signs:
Threatening custody battles
Using children as messengers
Withholding financial information or access
Sabotaging your employment opportunities
Creating financial dependence
Real Change Looks Like: Cooperative co-parenting focused on children's wellbeing, financial transparency, and supporting your economic independence.
Respect vs. Contempt: The Boundary Test
Respect for personal boundaries is fundamental to healthy relationships.
Warning Signs:
Continued invasion of privacy
Dismissing your expressed needs
Unwanted physical contact
Belittling your feelings or perspectives
Real Change Looks Like: Consistently asking permission, respecting your "no," and treating your thoughts and feelings as valid even when they differ from theirs.
Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
Gaslighting, making you question your reality, is particularly destructive to your sense of self.
Warning Signs:
"That never happened"
"You're too sensitive"
"You're remembering it wrong"
"You're crazy/unstable"
Real Change Looks Like: Validating your experiences, taking responsibility without defensiveness, and supporting your healing process.
Professional Help: A Necessary Component of Change
Meaningful change in abusive behaviour almost always requires professional intervention.
Warning Signs:
Refusing therapy or counselling
Starting therapy but quickly dropping out
Using therapy language to manipulate ("My therapist says you're enabling me")
Suggesting you solve problems together without professional help
Pressuring you to attend couples therapy (not recommended in abusive relationships)
Real Change Looks Like: Committed, ongoing participation in specialised abuse intervention programs, individual therapy, or support groups, typically for months or years, not weeks.
After Separation: Testing True Change
If you've separated, observe how they handle the separation itself.
Warning Signs:
Harassment or stalking
Ignoring requests for space
Legal threats or manipulation
Financial punishment
Turning others against you
Continued attempts at control
Real Change Looks Like: Respecting your boundaries, giving you the space you request, and demonstrating changed behaviour through actions over an extended period, not just words.
Remember: Your Safety and Well-being Come First
Genuine change in abusive behaviour:
Takes significant time (often years)
Requires consistent effort
Involves professional help
Is demonstrated through actions, not promises
Doesn't demand your participation in the process
Continues whether or not reconciliation occurs
While change is possible, it's rare and requires extraordinary commitment from the abuser. You deserve respect, safety, and peace regardless of your partner's willingness or ability to change.
Support Resources for Australians
If you're experiencing abuse or evaluating whether your partner's promises of change are genuine, please consider reaching out for professional support:
1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service): 1800 737 732 (24/7 helpline)
Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support)
Mensline Australia: 1300 78 99 78 (Support for men experiencing family violence)
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (For young people aged 5-25)
Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277 (Family and relationship counselling)
Aboriginal Family Domestic Violence Hotline: 1800 019 123 (Specialised support for Aboriginal communities)
Your local state-based domestic violence crisis service can provide personalised support and safety planning
Recommended Reading
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics by Lundy Bancroft and Jay G. Silverman
Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can—and Should—be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Note: If you need a safe space to discuss your experiences, please email me at
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.
