How to Tell If They've Really Changed (Or If It's Just Another Promise)
Content Warning: This article discusses domestic abuse and manipulation tactics
They've promised to change before.
And maybe, for a week or two, things felt different. They were kinder and calmer. They apologised. They went to therapy. They bought you flowers.
And you let yourself hope.
But then, slowly, or sometimes suddenly, it all came back. The anger. The control. The way they make you feel like you're the problem.
Now they're promising again. They say it's different this time. They're getting help. They've realised what they've done. They're ready to change.
And you want so badly to believe them.
Because leaving is hard. Because you love them, or you did once. Because you've invested so much. Because the thought of starting over feels overwhelming. Because part of you still hopes this could work.
But how do you know if this time is real?
That's what makes this so confusing. You're not just trying to figure out if they've changed—you're trying to trust your own judgment after they've spent months or years convincing you that your perceptions are wrong.
This article is here to help you see clearly. Not to tell you what to do, but to help you recognise what's actually happening, so you can make decisions based on reality, not hope.
The Cycle You Recognise
If you've been in this relationship for a while, you've probably noticed a pattern:
Things build. Your partner becomes increasingly irritable, impatient. The anger escalates. You start walking on eggshells.
Then it explodes. Verbal abuse. Things are being thrown. Maybe physical violence. Maybe threats.
Then comes the calm. The apologies. The tears. The promises. The gifts. The version of them you fell in love with reappears, and you think: Maybe this time will be different.
But it isn't. The tension builds again. And the cycle continues.
Here's what's important to understand: if this cycle is still happening, even with therapy, even with promises, nothing has fundamentally changed.
Real change means the cycle stops. Not just for a few weeks. Not just during the "good" periods. It stops completely.
What Keeps You Hoping (And Why That's Not Weakness)
Before we go further, I want to acknowledge something: the fact that you keep hoping isn't a flaw in you. It's not naivety or weakness.
It's actually how trauma bonds work. The intermittent kindness—the moments when they're loving, apologetic, or vulnerable makes you more attached, not less. Your nervous system gets hooked on those brief moments of relief, and you start believing that this is who they really are, and the abusive version is just a deviation.
This is also why leaving—or staying away—can feel so hard. Your body has learned to associate them with both danger and safety. Even when you know intellectually that the relationship is harmful, your nervous system is still seeking the safety and connection you experienced in those fleeting good moments.
Understanding this doesn't mean you're trapped. It means you're human.
Empty Promises vs. Actual Change
You've heard the promises before:
"I'll never do it again."
"I'm getting help."
"I'll change, I swear."
"I didn't mean it."
"It won't happen again."
And maybe, at first, you see signs of effort. They go to one therapy session. They're calm for a few days. They stop yelling—for a while.
But then:
The "changed" behaviour starts to slip. They blame you for their backslide. They say therapy isn't helping because you're not participating. The explosions return, maybe not as intense at first, but they return.
Here's the hard truth: genuine change in abusive behaviour takes years, not weeks. And it requires consistent, sustained effort—not just during the crisis, but long after things have calmed down.
If someone's behaviour improves only when you're threatening to leave, or only during the immediate aftermath of an incident, that's not change. That's crisis management. It's manipulation designed to keep you from leaving.
Real change doesn't require your participation to sustain it. Real change happens whether you're there or not because it's about them becoming a healthier person, not about keeping you in the relationship.
When Apologies Are Just Another Form of Control
Not all apologies are created equal.
An apology that includes justifications isn't really an apology:
"I'm sorry I yelled, but you were pushing my buttons."
"I shouldn't have done that, but you know how you get."
An apology that minimises isn't really an apology:
"I barely touched you."
"It wasn't that bad."
"You're overreacting."
An apology that shifts blame isn't really an apology:
"If you hadn't provoked me…"
"You made me so angry."
A genuine apology sounds like this:
"I was wrong to speak to you that way. I understand now how my words hurt you and damaged your trust. I'm working with my therapist to identify my triggers and develop healthier responses. I'm not asking you to forgive me or stay, I'm just acknowledging the harm I caused."
Notice the difference? A real apology:
Takes full responsibility without conditions
Acknowledges the specific harm caused
Doesn't expect immediate forgiveness or reconciliation
Includes concrete steps they're taking to change
If the apologies you're hearing don't include all of these elements, they're not genuine accountability. They're tools to manage your response.
The Tactics That Never Really Stop
Even when they're "trying to change," abusive partners often continue using subtle control tactics. You might not recognise them immediately because they're not as overt as the abuse was before. But they're still there.
Isolation disguised as care:
They criticise your friends or family "for your own good." They create "emergencies" whenever you have plans with others. They make you feel guilty for wanting time to yourself.
Financial control repackaged:
They're "managing" the money to "help" you. They need to "protect" the family finances. They're "concerned" about your spending.
Using the children as leverage:
They threaten custody battles. They use the kids as messengers. They undermine your parenting. They make you feel like leaving would harm your children—even though staying is teaching your children that this is what relationships look like.
These are all patterns of coercive control. They're not signs of someone who's changed. They're signs of someone who's found more subtle ways to maintain power.
Pausing to take in the wider view.
When They Make You Question Your Reality
One of the most damaging aspects of emotional abuse is how gaslighting slowly undermines your sense of reality.
You bring up something hurtful they said or did, and suddenly:
"That never happened."
"You're remembering it wrong."
"You're too sensitive."
"You're being crazy."
Over time, you start doubting yourself. You stop trusting your own memory, your own perceptions, your own feelings.
If someone has genuinely changed, they don't do this.
Real change means validating your experiences, even when it's uncomfortable for them. It means saying, "I believe you. I'm sorry that happened. I'm working to make sure it doesn't happen again."
If they're still making you question what you know to be true, they haven't changed. They're just using a different tactic to maintain control.
Respect for Boundaries: The Clearest Indicator
One of the most reliable ways to assess whether someone has genuinely changed is to look at how they respond to boundaries.
What healthy boundaries look like after abuse is simple: they're respected consistently, without argument, without negotiation, without resentment.
If you say "I need space," and they:
Flood you with texts asking if you're okay
Show up at your home or workplace
Make you feel guilty for needing time
Accuse you of being cold or punishing them
They haven't changed.
If you say "I'm not comfortable with that," and they:
Push back
Ask "why not?"
Make you justify your boundary
Do it anyway and then apologise later
They haven't changed.
Real change looks like: "I understand. I'll respect that."
That's it. No arguments. No guilt trips. No testing to see if you really mean it.
When Therapy Becomes Another Weapon
Genuine change almost always requires professional help. But here's the thing: therapy can also be weaponised.
Watch out for:
Using therapy language to manipulate:
"My therapist says you need to take responsibility for your part."
"You're triggering me."
"I'm setting boundaries by not letting you bring up the past."
Starting therapy but not sticking with it:
They go to one or two sessions and then claim they've "done the work."
Pressuring you to do couples therapy:
Couples therapy is not recommended when there's abuse, because it can be dangerous. An abuser can use the therapy setting to further manipulate and blame you.
Refusing specialised intervention:
Real change in abusive behaviour requires specialised programs, like perpetrator intervention programs, not just general therapy.
If they're using therapy language to avoid accountability or pressure you into reconciliation, they haven't changed. They've just learned new vocabulary.
After Separation: The Ultimate Test
If you've separated, how they handle the separation tells you everything you need to know.
Are they:
Harassing or stalking you?
Ignoring your requests for space?
Making legal threats?
Withholding financial support or using money to punish you?
Turning mutual friends or family against you?
Trying to control you through the children?
These are signs that nothing has changed. In fact, this is often what happens after separation, the control tactics escalate because they've lost their primary means of influence.
Real change after separation looks like:
Respecting your boundaries completely
Giving you the space you ask for
Cooperative, child-focused co-parenting (if you have children)
No attempts to manipulate, threaten, or control you
Demonstrated change over an extended period (months or years, not days or weeks)
If you're not seeing these things, the change isn't real.
Trusting Yourself Again
One of the cruelest impacts of abuse is how it erodes self-trust.
You might find yourself thinking:
Am I being too harsh?
What if I'm wrong and they really have changed?
What if I'm the problem?
What if I regret leaving?
This doubt isn't a sign that you're confused. It's a sign that you've been systematically taught not to trust your own judgment.
Here's what I want you to know: your instincts are valid.
If something feels off, it probably is. If their behaviour doesn't match their promises, believe the behaviour. If you're constantly questioning whether you're being "fair" to someone who has harmed you repeatedly, your compass is still being influenced by their manipulation.
Real change doesn't require you to silence your doubts. Real change is so consistent, so sustained, so undeniable that your doubts naturally fade over time, not because you've talked yourself into believing, but because the evidence is overwhelming.
The Hard Truth About Change
Genuine change in abusive behaviour is rare.
Not impossible, but rare.
It requires:
Years of consistent effort (not weeks or months)
Specialised professional intervention
Deep accountability without defensiveness
Sustained behaviour change regardless of whether you stay or leave
No expectation of your forgiveness or reconciliation
Most importantly, it doesn't require your presence to succeed.
If someone is genuinely changing, they're doing it because they've recognised the harm they've caused and are committed to becoming a different person, not because they want to win you back.
You don't owe anyone the chance to prove they've changed. You don't have to stay to see if "this time" is different. You don't have to risk your safety, your well-being, or your peace for someone else's transformation.
You deserve safety and respect now, not eventually, not if they finally change. Now.
Remember: Your Safety Comes First
Whether your partner has genuinely changed or not, your safety and well-being are what matter most.
You don't have to wait for more proof. You don't have to give them another chance. You don't have to be "fair" to someone who hasn't been fair to you.
If you're questioning whether they've changed, that doubt itself is information. Trust it.
And if you need support in figuring out what to do next, you don't have to navigate this alone.
Need Support?
If you're trying to make sense of whether someone has truly changed—or if you're navigating life after abuse—I offer a compassionate, non-judgmental space to process your experiences and clarify what's real.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📱 0452 285 526
Support Resources:
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) - 24/7 domestic violence support
Lifeline Australia (13 11 14) - 24/7 crisis support
Mensline Australia (1300 78 99 78) - Support for men
Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) - For young people aged 5-25
If you want to explore these dynamics further, many people find Lundy Bancroft’s work on abusive behaviour and accountability helpful, particularly Why Does He Do That?
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. You are not responsible for someone else's change—or their refusal to change.
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.
