You Left to Protect Them But They’re Still Struggling; Supporting Your Child After Abuse
You did the hardest thing. You gathered your courage, made your plan, and left an abusive relationship to give your children a safer life. You thought the hard part was over.
But now they're withdrawn, acting out, or asking questions you don't know how to answer. They're struggling with nightmares, or they're too compliant, or they're angry in ways that break your heart. And underneath your worry for them is a quieter, more painful question: Did I do this to them by staying too long? By leaving? By not protecting them enough?
You're exhausted from the logistics of separation: custody arrangements, court dates, financial struggles and now you're supposed to help your child heal when you're barely holding yourself together. You feel like you should know what to do, but you're navigating territory you never wanted to be in.
If you're here reading this, you're already doing one of the most important things: seeking to understand and support your child through one of the hardest experiences either of you will face. That matters more than you know.
If You're Here Because...
You might be reading this because:
Your child is showing signs of distress and you don't know how to help
You're worried about the long-term impact of what they witnessed or experienced
They have conflicting feelings about their other parent and you don't know how to navigate that
You're dealing with your own trauma while trying to support theirs
You left to protect them but they seem angry with you instead
You're drowning in guilt about what they went through
Co-parenting or custody arrangements keep exposing them to the abusive parent
You need to know what's normal and what requires professional help
You're trying to heal while still being a stable parent
You need reassurance that they can recover from this
If any of this resonates, keep reading. You're not failing them. You're trying to help them through something incredibly difficult, and that takes tremendous strength.
Before We Talk About Your Child: You Need to Hear This
Before diving into how to help your child, you need to know something: you are not the reason they're struggling. The abuse is. The abusive person is. The impossible situation you were all in is.
Leaving an abusive relationship isn't simple, it's complicated by fear, finances, lack of support, and often very real danger. Research shows that the period after leaving is the most dangerous time for domestic violence victims, so staying to plan and prepare for a safer exit is often a survival strategy, not a failure.
And you are not failing them now by being overwhelmed, exhausted, or unsure how to help. You're dealing with the aftermath of trauma yourself while trying to parent through it. That's not failure, that's carrying an impossible weight with courage.
Your child's struggles are not evidence of your inadequacy. They're evidence of what abuse does to developing minds and nervous systems.
How Abuse Affects Children (And Why They React the Way They Do)
The way trauma shows up will look different in toddlers, school-aged children, and teenagers, but the underlying nervous-system responses are often similar.
Children exposed to domestic violence carry the impact in their bodies, their beliefs about themselves, and their understanding of relationships. The effects aren't always obvious, and they don't always show up immediately. Sometimes children seem fine for months, then suddenly struggle. Sometimes they were visibly distressed during the abuse but seem to "bounce back" quickly. Neither response tells the full story.
What Happens in a Child's Developing Brain
When children grow up in environments where they need to be constantly alert to danger, their developing brains adapt. The parts of the brain responsible for detecting threat become hyperactive. The parts responsible for emotional regulation, trust, and calm don't develop as fully. This isn't permanent damage, the brain is remarkably adaptable, but it does mean your child's responses make sense in the context of what they survived.
They might be quick to anger because their nervous system learned that anger is how you protect yourself. They might shut down emotionally because feeling too much felt dangerous. They might be overly compliant because that's how they stayed safe. These aren't character flaws, they're survival adaptations.
What looks like bad behavior is often a nervous system stuck in survival mode, not knowing the danger has passed.
The Emotional Impact - A Tangle of Confusing Feelings
Children experience abuse differently than adults, but no less painfully. They might feel fear and anxiety that doesn't have clear triggers, suddenly becoming terrified in situations that seem safe to you. They might feel profound guilt and shame, believing somehow that they caused the abuse or should have stopped it. Many children internalize the message that they're not worthy of safety or love.
Some children experience emotional numbness, disconnecting from feelings as a form of protection. They might seem flat, disinterested, or unable to express emotions even when you know they're hurting. This isn't indifference, it's overwhelm creating distance from feelings that are too big to process.
Others swing between extremes: clingy and terrified one moment, pushing you away the next. They're trying to navigate the impossible contradiction of needing you desperately while also learning that adults can't always be trusted to keep you safe.
The Behavioral Impact - How Trauma Shows Up in Actions
Every child responds differently, but here are some of the most common ways trauma manifests in behaviour:
Aggression and explosive anger can emerge when children don't have words for the pain they're carrying. They might lash out at siblings, you, teachers, or peers. This isn't meanness, it's their body trying to discharge the fear and helplessness they experienced. When you can't fight back against an abuser, sometimes that energy gets misdirected at safer targets.
Regression to younger behaviours is common: bedwetting after being dry for years, thumb-sucking, baby talk, or suddenly needing you for things they could do independently. This isn't manipulation, it's their system seeking the comfort and safety they associate with being younger and more protected.
Social withdrawal and difficulty trusting others can make your child seem isolated or resistant to connection. They might avoid friendships, refuse to participate in activities they used to enjoy, or seem suspicious of adults who are genuinely trying to help. Trust was broken in a fundamental way, and rebuilding it takes time.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing might develop as your child tries to prevent conflict or earn safety through being “good enough." They might become hypervigilant about doing everything right, terrified of making mistakes, or constantly seeking reassurance that you're not angry with them. They learned that perfection might prevent violence, and that pattern doesn't disappear immediately.
The Long-Term Impact - What Happens If This Goes Unaddressed
Without support, the impact of witnessing or experiencing abuse can follow children into adolescence and adulthood. This isn't meant to scare you, it's meant to underscore why the work you're doing now matters so much.
Children who don't get help processing trauma are at higher risk for low self-esteem, difficulty regulating emotions, trouble forming healthy relationships, and mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and PTSD. They might struggle to trust their own perceptions, repeat patterns of abusive relationships, or develop chronic hypervigilance that makes relaxation feel impossible.
But here's the crucial part: with support, children are remarkably resilient. Early intervention, a stable and loving caregiver (that's you), and age-appropriate help can dramatically change their trajectory. The fact that you're here, reading this, seeking to understand and help - that already changes things for your child.
Trauma's impact is real, but it's not destiny. With the right support, your child can heal.
Children can look fine on the outside while carrying the impact of abuse inside.
When Your Child Has Conflicting Feelings About the Abusive Parent
This might be one of the most painful and confusing aspects of supporting your child: they love the person who hurt you, hurt them, or created the unsafe environment you all lived in. And they might express that love in ways that feel like a betrayal of everything you've sacrificed to protect them.
They might defend the abusive parent, minimize what happened, or express anger at you for leaving. They might beg to see them more, or seem happier during visitation exchanges than they do with you. If you're dealing with parallel parenting or ongoing custody arrangements, this dynamic can feel like a constant reopening of wounds.
Why Children Maintain Attachment to Abusive Parents
Children are hardwired to love and seek connection with their caregivers, even when those caregivers are harmful. This isn't a choice, it's biology. Young children especially cannot survive without adults, so their attachment system prioritises connection over safety. Loving an abusive parent doesn't mean the abuse wasn't real or didn't hurt them. It means they're human, and humans need connection.
The abusive parent might also be capable of moments of genuine warmth, fun, or affection, especially if they're no longer living with you and the day-to-day stressors that triggered their abuse. Children remember the “good times" and long for more of them. They might also idealise the absent parent, filling in gaps with hope rather than reality.
Additionally, some abusive parents engage in parental alienation or manipulation, telling children distorted versions of events, positioning themselves as victims, or rewarding children for taking their “side." This isn't your child's fault, they're being manipulated by someone who knows exactly how to exploit their loyalty and confusion.
How to Support Them Through This Complexity
Validate their love without endorsing the behaviour. You can say things like: “I know you love your dad/mom. That makes sense, they're your parent and there are things about them that are lovable. And it's also true that some of their choices were hurtful and unsafe. “You're not asking them to choose between loving the parent and acknowledging harm. Both can coexist.
Don't speak badly about the other parent, even when it's true. This is agonisingly hard, especially when they're being manipulative or harmful. But putting your child in the middle by badmouthing their other parent damages them, not the abusive parent. You can be honest about the past without editorialising: “Your dad made choices that weren't safe for our family" is different from “Your dad is a terrible person."
Create space for them to have their own feelings without judgment. If they're angry at you for leaving, listen without defending yourself. Their anger doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, it means they're in pain and you're the safe person to direct it at. Let them feel what they feel without trying to change it or justify your decisions.
Set boundaries around what they share with the other parent. Depending on the custody situation, you might need to protect private information about your household, your healing process, or your new life. You can gently explain: “Some things we keep private in our family. It's not about secrets, it's about protecting what's ours."
Remind them they're allowed to love both parents. Say it explicitly, often: “You don't have to choose between us. You can love both of us and have different feelings about both of us. That's okay."
Loving someone who harmed them doesn't mean your child is confused or disloyal. It means they're navigating an impossible emotional situation with the tools of a child.
Understanding How Different Children Cope With Trauma
Not all children respond to trauma the same way. Recognising your child's specific coping style can help you offer support that actually meets them where they are, rather than where you wish they were or where advice columns say they should be.
The Internaliser
These children withdraw into themselves. They seem quiet, compliant, self-blaming. They don't cause trouble, so adults often miss their distress. They might say they're fine when they're not, avoid talking about what happened, or seem emotionally distant even when you're trying to connect.
What they need: A safe, non-pressured space to open up when they're ready. Internalisers won't respond well to direct questioning about their feelings, it makes them shut down further. Instead, create opportunities for side-by-side connection: drawing together, going for walks, reading books about feelings. Offer a journal or suggest they write letters they don't have to send. Reassure them often that nothing is their fault and they deserve love and safety.
What to watch for: Depression, anxiety, self-harm in older children, or physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches that have no medical cause.
Silence doesn't mean they're okay. It often means they're carrying pain too heavy to voice.
The Externaliser
These children express emotions outwardly, often through anger, defiance, or impulsive behavior. They might lash out physically, have explosive tantrums, break rules, or seem constantly on edge. Their behaviour often gets them labeled as “problem children" when they're actually children in pain.
What they need: Physical outlets for their big emotions: sports, dancing, running, playground time. Creative outlets like painting, clay, or music that let them express without words. Clear, consistent, compassionate boundaries that help them feel contained without feeling punished. Teach them regulation skills like deep breathing, counting, or using sensory tools (stress balls, fidget items). Most importantly, they need you to stay calm when they're escalating, your regulation helps teach theirs.
What to watch for: Aggression toward siblings or peers, destruction of property, risky behaviour in older children, or signs they're being scapegoated at school.
Their anger isn't the problem. Their pain is. The anger is just the loudest way they know to express it.
The Caretaker
These children try to manage everyone else's emotions, often at the expense of their own. They might comfort you when you're upset, try to mediate conflicts, or become overly responsible for siblings. They seem mature beyond their years, but that “maturity" is actually a survival adaptation, they learned that keeping others calm kept them safer.
What they need: Permission to be a child. Actively encourage them to focus on their own needs and feelings. Recognise and validate their emotions regularly. Help them set boundaries by modeling that it's okay to say no and that they're not responsible for managing adult emotions. Support age-appropriate activities and interests that let them just be kids. Reassure them that you can handle your own feelings and you don't need them to take care of you.
What to watch for: Anxiety about others' well-being, difficulty accepting help, parentification where they're raising younger siblings, or inability to relax and play.
Being little shouldn't require being responsible for big things. Let them have a childhood, even now.
The Avoider
These children cope by staying busy, distracted, or focused on anything except their feelings. They might throw themselves into schoolwork, screen time, hobbies, or friendships. They seem functional, even happy, but they're running from processing what happened.
What they need: Balance between distraction and gentle processing. While healthy distractions are okay in moderation, create regular, brief check-ins about feelings. Introduce mindfulness practices that help them reconnect with their body and emotions without overwhelming them: simple breathing exercises, yoga, or noticing physical sensations. Break difficult conversations into small, manageable pieces rather than big emotional discussions that feel insurmountable.
What to watch for: Excessive screen time as numbing, difficulty sleeping, avoidance of anything that reminds them of the past, or sudden distress when forced to slow down.
Running from pain is human. But eventually, we have to turn around and tend to it.
The Performer
These children strive for perfection, achievement, and external validation. They might excel academically, in sports, or in creative pursuits, using success as a way to feel worthy or in control. Their drive looks healthy from the outside but is often fuelled by fear—fear of disappointing you, fear of being “bad" like they were told during the abuse, or fear that if they're not perfect, bad things will happen again.
What they need: Affirmation that their worth isn't tied to achievement. Praise effort and character over results. Encourage low-pressure activities where the goal is fun, not excellence. Discuss self-compassion and the value of mistakes as learning opportunities. Model imperfection yourself, let them see you make mistakes and handle them with grace rather than shame.
What to watch for: Perfectionism that causes distress, meltdowns over small mistakes, burnout, or anxiety about performance in school or activities.
Excellence pursued from fear is exhausting. Excellence rooted in joy is sustainable.
The Chameleon
These children adapt their behavior to fit different situations and people, often losing touch with their authentic self in the process. They might be one person at school, another with you, and yet another during visitation with their other parent. This flexibility helped them survive an unpredictable environment, but it can leave them feeling fragmented and unsure of who they really are.
What they need: A safe space where they don't have to perform or adapt. Reassure them they don't need to change to be accepted at home. Encourage self-discovery through exploring interests and expressing preferences. Model authenticity by sharing your own genuine feelings and experiences. Help them identify their values and what matters to them, separate from what others want or expect.
What to watch for: Confusion about their own preferences, difficulty making decisions, or deep insecurity about identity.
Being yourself shouldn't require permission. But for them, it does. Give it freely and often.
Practical Ways to Support Your Child's Healing
Understanding their coping style is the foundation. Now here's how to actively support their recovery:
Create Emotional Safety Through Predictability
Children who experienced chaos and unpredictability need routines and consistency to feel safe. This doesn't mean rigid schedules, it means creating patterns they can rely on. Regular mealtimes, bedtime rituals, weekend traditions, or even simple daily check-ins create a sense of stability their nervous systems desperately need.
When things do change (and they will), give advance notice and explain what's happening. Predictability teaches their brain that the world is manageable, not constantly threatening.
Communicate Openly, But Age-Appropriately
Children often sense that something is wrong even if they don't understand what. Silence doesn't protect them, it creates confusion and fills the gaps with their own scary conclusions. Talk to them honestly, but adjust your language to their developmental level.
For young children, keep it simple: “Sometimes adults make choices that aren't safe. That's why we don't live with [parent] anymore. It wasn't your fault, and you're safe now." For older children, you can provide more context while still protecting them from details that aren't age-appropriate.
Most importantly, listen more than you speak. Let them guide the conversation with their questions. Answer what they ask, not what you assume they need to know.
Encourage Expression Through Play and Creativity
Young children especially process emotions through play, not words. Provide art supplies, play-dough, dolls or action figures for imaginative play. Don't intervene or correct their play even if it seems dark or violent, they're working through their experience. Just be present and safe nearby.
Older children might benefit from journaling, music, or creative writing. Some children find relief in physical expression: dance, sports, building things. The medium doesn't matter, what matters is creating space for feelings to move through them in ways that feel safer than talking.
Validate All Feelings, Even the Hard Ones
Your child needs to know that all their feelings are acceptable, even the ones that are painful or directed at you. When they're angry, don't shame them: “I can see you're really angry right now. Anger is okay. Let's find a safe way to express it." When they're sad, don't rush to fix it: “You're feeling really sad. Sad feelings are hard. I'm here with you."
Resist the urge to minimise or redirect their emotions to make yourself more comfortable. Sitting with their pain without trying to solve it teaches them their feelings are valid and manageable.
Don't Explain Away the Abusive Parent's Behaviour
You might be tempted to soften the blow: “Dad was stressed" or “Mum didn't mean it." This confuses children and teaches them to excuse harm. Instead, be clear: “That behaviour wasn't okay. You deserved better." You can acknowledge that people are complex without making excuses for abuse.
Take Care of Your Own Trauma
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Your child needs you to be regulated, stable, and healing alongside them. This means getting your own therapy, processing your own trauma, and finding support. When you model healthy coping and healing, you teach your child that recovery is possible.
If you're co-parenting with the abusive person or navigating post-separation abuse, you need specialised support to manage that ongoing stress while still being present for your child.
Your healing and theirs aren't separate. They're interconnected.
When to Seek Professional Help
Seeking professional support doesn't mean something is “wrong" with your child. It means their system needs more help than one caring adult can provide on their own.
Consider professional help for child trauma after abuse if:
Your child shows signs of significant distress that aren't improving over time: persistent nightmares, severe anxiety, depression, self-harm, aggressive behaviour that endangers themselves or others, or complete emotional shutdown.
They're struggling in school or with peers in ways that weren't issues before. Academic decline, social isolation, or frequent conflicts with teachers or friends can indicate they need more support.
You're feeling overwhelmed and don't know how to help them. That's not failure, it's wisdom to recognise when you need backup.
The custody arrangement keeps exposing them to the abusive parent and you need help navigating that impossible situation.
Finding the Right Professional
Look for therapists who specialize in childhood trauma and have experience supporting children after domestic violence. Not all therapists understand these dynamics, and working with someone who does makes a profound difference.
Play therapy can be especially effective for younger children. Trauma-focused CBT (TF-CBT) or EMDR are evidence-based approaches for older children and adolescents. Family therapy might be helpful if you need support navigating the family dynamics together in the context of protective parenting after abuse.
Ask potential therapists directly: “What's your experience working with children who've witnessed or experienced domestic violence?" Their answer will tell you if they're the right fit.
The Long View - Healing Takes Time, and That's Okay
Your child won't “get over this" in a few months. Healing from trauma is a process, not an event. There will be good days and hard days. There will be progress and setbacks. They might seem better and then regress when a trigger appears, a certain smell, time of year, or interaction that brings it all back.
This isn't failure. It's the non-linear nature of trauma recovery. Your job isn't to make them heal faster, it's to be the steady, safe presence they can return to as they navigate their healing at their own pace.
Over time, with support and safety, most children do heal. The impact doesn't disappear entirely, they'll always carry the memory of what happened, but it becomes integrated rather than overwhelming. They learn that they survived something hard, and that resilience becomes a strength they carry forward.
You're not just helping them recover from the past. You're teaching them how to build a different future.
You're Doing Better Than You Think
If you've read this far, you care deeply about your child's well-being. That care matters more than getting everything perfect. Your child doesn't need you to have all the answers, they need you to be present, to try, to keep showing up even when it's hard.
You're navigating an impossible situation with courage and love. Some days you'll do it well. Some days you'll barely get through. Both are okay. Both are enough.
Your child is lucky to have a parent who's willing to do this work, to seek understanding, to prioritize their healing. That's not a small thing. That's everything.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Supporting a child through trauma while dealing with your own is exhausting, complex work. You deserve professional support that understands both the parenting challenges and your own healing journey.
I work with parents navigating post-separation abuse, trauma recovery, and the specific challenges of protective parenting. If you're ready to talk, you're welcome to reach out.
📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526
