When Co-Parenting Becomes Impossible. Understanding Post-Separation Abuse
As a trauma therapist, I’ve witnessed countless parents struggle with a painful reality that challenges everything we’re told about “healthy co-parenting.”
You’ve likely heard the advice:
“Put the children first.”
“Work together for their sake.”
“Don’t let your feelings about your ex affect the kids.”
While these ideals sound reasonable, they rely on one assumption: that both parents are willing and capable of healthy co-parenting.
But what if that’s not true?
When Co-Parenting Becomes a Pathway for Abuse
For some families, traditional co-parenting isn’t just difficult, it’s unsafe. When one parent engages in post-separation abuse, attempts to co-parent can provide ongoing access for control, manipulation, and harm. A pathway to ongoing traumatisation.
What Is Post-Separation Abuse?
Post-separation abuse is a deliberate continuation of controlling, coercive, or harmful behaviours after a relationship ends.
This isn’t a typical separation conflict. It’s a pattern of behaviour designed to maintain power over a former partner, often using the children as emotional leverage.
Children, unfortunately, become both weapons and shields in this campaign.
Sometimes calm waters hide deeper tensions. When co-parenting isn't safe, keeping your distance is not just wise, it’s protective.
The Myths That Keep Us Trapped
Myth 1: “Children need both parents in their lives”
While loving relationships with both parents are ideal, exposure to an abusive parent is not benign. Quality matters more than quantity in parenting relationships.
Myth 2: “You’re just being vindictive”
Protective parents are often accused of being bitter or difficult. This victim-blaming narrative silences safety concerns and reinforces the abuser's control.
Myth 3: “They wouldn’t hurt their own children”
Abusive parents may not always harm children directly, but they can cause deep emotional and psychological harm, especially when children are treated as extensions of the parents’ ego.
Signs of Post-Separation Abuse
Post-separation abuse may include:
Legal Abuse: filing baseless motions, making false allegations, or dragging you through court to wear you down.
Financial Abuse: withholding child support, hiding income, or creating instability.
Parental Alienation: undermining your relationship with the children through manipulation or coercion.
Stalking & Harassment: excessive calls or texts, uninvited appearances, or monitoring your activities.
Threats: direct or veiled threats against you, your loved ones, or even self-harm threats as emotional blackmail.
The Impact on Children
Children caught in this dynamic may:
Appear anxious, withdrawn, or over-compliant
Show sudden preferences for the abusive parent (a survival mechanism, not a true bond)
Be asked to act as messengers or spies
Feel split loyalty and internal conflict
These pressures undermine their psychological development and safety.
When “Co-Parenting” Becomes Harmful
Co-parenting relies on good faith.
When abuse is present, co-parenting can:
Allow ongoing manipulation through shared responsibilities
Model harmful relationship patterns
Deplete your emotional and financial capacity
Create an unstable environment for the children
Parallel Parenting: A Safer Alternative
When co-parenting is impossible, parallel parenting creates distance and structure while allowing for continued parental involvement, if safe.
Key strategies:
Communicate only in writing (email or co-parenting apps)
Use a detailed parenting plan to limit negotiations
Arrange neutral custody exchanges
Establish clear boundaries on communication and information sharing
This approach minimises conflict and supports stability.
Protecting Yourself and Your Children
✅ Document Everything
Keep records of texts, emails, and incidents. They may be vital in legal settings.
✅ Build a Support Network
Seek trauma-informed professionals, support groups, and people who truly understand your situation.
✅ Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t change your co-parent, but you can shape your responses and home environment.
✅ Prioritise Safety
Trust your instincts. If something feels unsafe, it probably is.
✅ Practice Self-Care
You matter too. Caring for yourself isn’t selfish; it’s foundational to caring for your children.
The Long View: Healing Over Time
Healing from post-separation abuse isn’t a straight path. There will be hard days and moments of doubt. But:
Choosing to protect your children is not "giving up."
It’s choosing a safer, wiser path, even if others don’t understand.
Your children may not see the full picture now, but in time, they’ll understand that your boundaries were a form of deep love.
Moving Forward
If you recognise yourself in this post, know this:
You are not alone.
You are not being dramatic or difficult.
You are responding to harm with strength and clarity.
Reach out to:
Trauma-informed therapists
Domestic violence services
Legal professionals who understand abuse dynamics
Because you and your children deserve safety and support.
You Are Still a Good Parent
Your worth isn’t defined by whether you can “get along” with someone who continues to harm you. It’s defined by your commitment to protection, love, and healing.
Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is walk away from the myth of what families should look like and instead, build something safer and truer.
Resources and Next Steps
Download: Triggers & Tethers Reflection Guide (PDF)
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is post-separation abuse?
Post-separation abuse refers to a pattern of controlling or harmful behaviour that continues after a relationship ends. This often includes emotional manipulation, legal harassment, financial control, or using the children as leverage.
2. How do I know if co-parenting is no longer safe?
If your ex-partner consistently undermines your authority, manipulates the children, threatens or harasses you, or uses shared custody to maintain control, co-parenting may be unsafe. A trauma-informed professional can help you assess the risk.
3. What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a low-contact parenting model designed for high-conflict or abusive relationships. It minimises direct communication between parents while allowing both to remain involved in the child's life when it is safe to do so.
4. Can I stop contact between my children and their other parent?
You may be able to limit contact if it's unsafe, but this often requires legal support and documentation. Courts can take safety concerns seriously, especially when there's clear evidence of harm or manipulation.
5. Will my children resent me for reducing contact with their other parent?
Children may not understand your decisions right away, especially if they’re being influenced by the other parent. But over time, many children come to appreciate the boundaries you set to protect their safety and well-being.
