Parallel Parenting After Abuse: What It Is and Why It Matters

When co-parenting becomes harmful, this low-contact model can support stability, safety, and healing.

As a trauma therapist, I’ve walked alongside many parents who’ve faced a deeply painful truth: sometimes, co-parenting isn’t just difficult, it’s unsafe.

We’re told that “good parents work together” and that “children need both parents in their lives.” But these messages often ignore a crucial reality: not all ex-partners are willing or capable of putting the children first. And in cases involving post-separation abuse, insisting on traditional co-parenting can actually become another form of harm.

When Co-Parenting Isn’t Safe

Co-parenting relies on good faith from both parties. It requires a baseline of respect, boundaries, and shared concern for the children’s well-being. When one parent uses the shared parenting arrangement to continue control, manipulation, or emotional harm, co-parenting becomes a pathway for abuse, not a source of stability.

This kind of abuse doesn’t always involve physical violence. It often shows up as:

• Legal harassment (e.g., false allegations, unnecessary court filings)

• Emotional manipulation (especially through the children)

• Financial control (e.g., withholding child support)

• Stalking or digital monitoring

• Undermining parenting authority or encouraging alienation

Children caught in this dynamic may experience anxiety, compliance, loyalty conflicts, or even act out — not because of “parental conflict,” but because of chronic emotional strain.

Enter: Parallel Parenting

When co-parenting is impossible, parallel parenting offers a protective alternative.

Parallel parenting is a structured, low-contact approach designed for high-conflict or abusive situations. It allows both parents to remain involved in the child’s life (if safe to do so), while minimising direct interaction to reduce conflict and protect the well-being of everyone involved.

Sometimes calm waters hide deeper tensions. When co-parenting isn't safe, keeping your distance is not just wise, it’s protective.

Core Principles of Parallel Parenting

✅ Minimal direct contact
Communication happens only in writing, ideally through email or a co-parenting app.

✅ Detailed parenting plan
Everything from pickups to holiday schedules should be clearly outlined to avoid last-minute disputes.

✅ Neutral exchange locations
Child handovers happen in neutral, public settings or via trusted third parties.

✅ Strict boundaries
Each parent runs their own household without interference. Communication is limited to logistics and emergencies.

✅ Emotional disengagement
You are not responsible for co-managing your ex-partner’s feelings, opinions, or expectations. You are focused on your own parenting and your child’s safety.

Is Parallel Parenting Right for You?

Ask yourself:

• Does direct contact with my ex leave me feeling drained, unsafe, or destabilised?

• Do I constantly have to defend my parenting or respond to manipulative communication?

• Are my children being used as messengers, spies, or emotional pawns?

If you answered yes to any of these, parallel parenting might offer a safer, more sustainable path.

Practical First Steps

1. Document everything.
Keep a log of messages, incidents, and patterns. It’s validating for you and may be necessary in court.

2. Use secure communication tools.
Apps like Our Family Wizard, 2Houses, or even email can help set boundaries.

3. Develop a rock-solid parenting plan.
Work with a lawyer or mediator who understands post-separation abuse to create clear, specific terms.

4. Build your support team.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Seek trauma-informed professionals, DV services, and community resources.

5. Reclaim your energy.
Every time you disengage from chaos, you’re reclaiming energy that can be invested in your children and your healing.

You’re Not Failing, You’re Protecting

It’s easy to internalise the narrative that “good parents co-parent.” But the truth is, good parents protect. Good parents set boundaries. Good parents recognise harm and choose a path that prioritises long-term safety and emotional health, even if others don’t understand.

Parallel parenting isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign of wisdom, clarity, and fierce love.

Resources and Next Steps

• Download: Triggers & Tethers Reflection Guide (PDF)

• Related Post: What Is a Trauma Bond? 

• Read this blog: When Co-Parenting Becomes Impossible: Understanding Post-Separation Abuse

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is post-separation abuse?
Post-separation abuse refers to a pattern of controlling or harmful behaviour that continues after a relationship ends. This often includes emotional manipulation, legal harassment, financial control, or using the children as leverage.

2. How do I know if co-parenting is no longer safe?
If your ex-partner consistently undermines your authority, manipulates the children, threatens or harasses you, or uses shared custody to maintain control, co-parenting may be unsafe. A trauma-informed professional can help you assess the risk.

3. What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a low-contact parenting model designed for high-conflict or abusive relationships. It minimises direct communication between parents while allowing both to remain involved in the child's life when it is safe to do so.

4. Can I stop contact between my children and their other parent?
You may be able to limit contact if it's unsafe, but this often requires legal support and documentation. Courts can take safety concerns seriously, especially when there's clear evidence of harm or manipulation.

5. Will my children resent me for reducing contact with their other parent?
Children may not understand your decisions right away, especially if they’re being influenced by the other parent. But over time, many children come to appreciate the boundaries you set to protect their safety and well-being.

If this post reflects your experience, please know that there is support available.

I work with parents navigating post-separation abuse, trauma recovery, and the complex emotional terrain of protective parenting. If you'd like to talk, you're welcome to reach out:
📩 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
🌐 www.safespacecounsellingservices.com.au