Recognising Coercive Control in Relationships
Do you often feel on edge, fearful, or trapped in your relationship? You might find yourself wondering, “Is this really abuse?” After all, there’s no physical violence, no hitting, pushing, or slapping. But coercive control can be just as harmful as physical abuse, and in many cases, even more so.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate another person and gradually erode their autonomy. It is a form of domestic abuse that may occur alongside physical, sexual, psychological, or financial abuse, but it can also exist on its own.
This type of abuse often begins subtly. What first appears as care or protectiveness can slowly shift into control and isolation. Over time, these behaviours chip away at your confidence, freedom, and sense of self.
The Boiling Frog Metaphor
Recognising coercive control is vital before it's too late.
Coercive control operates like the “boiling frog” metaphor: If you place a frog into boiling water, it will jump out. But if the water is heated gradually, the frog won’t recognise the danger until it’s too late. Coercive control escalates in much the same way, quietly, incrementally, until you feel trapped.
You may have a sense that something is wrong, but convince yourself you're overreacting. As the control intensifies, shame and fear can take root, making it harder to seek help. You might think, “If I just try harder...” This kind of self-blame only tightens the cycle of abuse.
Examples of Coercive Control
Coercive control can take many forms. Some common examples include:
Isolation
Your partner may cut you off from friends and family, either directly or through manipulation. They may claim your loved ones don’t care about you, or they may portray you as unstable to others. They might monitor or delete your contacts, discourage social interaction, or guilt you into staying home.
Surveillance
Constant monitoring creates an environment of fear. This might look like incessant calls, tracking your movements via GPS, checking your messages, or demanding you report your location at all times.
Threats
Abusers often use threats to maintain control. These might include harming you, your children, or pets; threatening self-harm if you leave; or threatening to report you to authorities such as child protection services.
Degradation
Name-calling, put-downs, and humiliation wear away your self-esteem. You may be criticised for your appearance, intelligence, or parenting, leading you to second-guess yourself constantly.
Manipulation
Coercive control can involve pressure to engage in behaviours you’re uncomfortable with, including sexual acts or illegal activities. This might include forced participation in pornography or coercive sharing of intimate images.
Gaslighting
A form of psychological manipulation where the abuser causes you to doubt your memory or perception. They may deny past events, rewrite narratives, or insist you’re “crazy” or overreacting.
Control Over Daily Life
Abusers may dictate what you eat, wear, say, or do. They might take control of the finances, restricting your access to money and creating financial dependence.
Why Can’t I Just Leave?
Many people in coercive relationships ask themselves this question. The answer is complex. When your partner isolates you from loved ones, controls your finances, and chips away at your self-worth, leaving can feel impossible.
Coercive control fosters emotional dependence. Over time, you may lose your sense of identity. You might fear judgment or not being believed. And if the abuse isn’t physical, you might feel undeserving of support or unsure if what you're experiencing “counts” as abuse.
But it does. Abuse isn’t always visible, and emotional and psychological wounds can run just as deep.
“But There’s No Physical Abuse…”
The absence of physical violence doesn’t make the abuse any less real. In fact, many survivors say coercive control was the most psychologically damaging part of their experience.
It can lead to long-term mental health impacts, including anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, and feelings of deep self-doubt or hopelessness. Healing is possible, but recognising the abuse is the first step.
Coercive Control and the Law
There’s growing legal recognition of coercive control in Australia:
In New South Wales, the Crimes Legislation Amendment (Coercive Control) Act 2022 makes coercive control a criminal offence, punishable by up to seven years in prison.
In Victoria, the Family Violence Protection Act includes coercive behaviour under its definition of family violence, enabling intervention orders for protection.
These legislative changes reflect a deeper societal understanding of emotional abuse and its devastating effects.
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re unsure whether you’re experiencing coercive control, consider the following:
Do you feel ashamed of what’s happening in your relationship?
Are you able to make your own decisions about where to go, whom to see, or how to spend money?
Have you become increasingly isolated from friends or family?
Can you express your thoughts and feelings without fear of consequences?
Do you feel anxious, fearful, or like you’re “losing your mind”?
Have you changed your parenting to protect your children from your partner?
Do you feel unsure of who you are without them?
Have you lost confidence since entering this relationship?
Have you been belittled or humiliated by your partner, privately or publicly?
Are you often accused of things like cheating or flirting, without reason?
Do you frequently doubt your own memories or decisions?
Have you been threatened or intimidated?
Do you feel you’re constantly walking on eggshells?
If you answered “yes” to several of these, you may be experiencing coercive control. You deserve support and safety.
Seeking Support
Recognising coercive control is an important step towards reclaiming your freedom and well-being. You are not alone, and you are not to blame. Support is available.
If you’d like to talk, I’m here to listen.
A Little About Me
My name is Kat, and I’m a registered counsellor specialising in the emotional and psychological impacts of trauma. I provide compassionate, trauma-informed counselling for people affected by domestic and sexual violence, childhood trauma, and other life-altering experiences. I also support clients navigating grief, identity changes, and emotional recovery.
I offer counselling in person in South-East Melbourne and online across Australia.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 0452 070 738
SOURCES OF SUPPORT
For Crisis Support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via text on 0477 13 11 14 (available 24/7). If you need immediate help, call 000.
NATIONAL
1800RESPECT
Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling and Support Service
call 1800 737 732 open 24/7
https://www.1800respect.org.au
AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY
Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS)
call 02 6280 0900 open 24/7
Crisis intervention and counselling, family violence intervention program, education and information for the community.
Canberra Rape Crisis Centre (CRCC)
call 02 6247 2525 open 7am -10.30pm
Crisis support, counselling advocacy and support programs for men and women.
On call for ACT Health and Police
NEW SOUTH WALES
NSW Domestic Violence Line
call 1800 656 463 open 24/7
Provides telephone counselling, information and referrals for women and same-sex partners who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence.
NSW Sexual Violence Helpline
call 1800 424 017 24/7
Provides telephone and online counselling for anyone who is or has experienced sexual violence and their supporters.
NORTHERN TERRITORY
Catherine Booth House
call 8981 5928 24/7
Short term crisis accommodation, referral and support for adult and young women over 18 years old.
Darwin Aboriginal and Islander Women’s Shelter (DAIWS)
call 08 8945 2284 open 24/7
Support, referral, outreach and domestic violence crisis accommodation for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women who are homeless or escaping family violence.
Dawn House (Darwin)
call 08 8945 1388 open 24/7
Crisis accommodation and support service for women with children who are experiencing or escaping domestic or family violence.
Ruby Gaea (Darwin)
Call 08 8945 0155 open Monday – Friday 8.30 am to 5 pm
Free counselling and support to women and children who have experienced sexual assault at any time in their life.
Sexual Assault Referral Centre (Darwin)
Call 08 8922 6472 open 24/7
Free 24-hour emergency service that provides crisis counselling and other support needs to both adults and children who have experienced any form of sexual assault or sexual abuse, either recently or in the past.
www.health.nt.gov.au/sexual_assault_services
Sexual Assault Referral Centre (Alice Springs)
Call 08 8955 4500 open 24/7
Free 24-hour emergency service that provides crisis counselling and other support needs to both adults and children who have experienced any form of sexual assault or sexual abuse, either recently or in the past.
www.health.nt.gov.au/sexual_assault_services
QUEENSLAND
DVConnect Womensline
Call 1800 811 811 open 24/7
Free state-wide telephone service that provides confidential counselling and referral to crisis accommodation for women and children affected by domestic or family Violence and those who are concerned about a friend or family member.
DVConnect Mensline
Call 1800 600 636 open 9 am – 12 midnight, 7 days a week
Free state-wide telephone service that provides counselling and referral for men for a range of issues especially those who have experienced or use domestic and family violence and those who are concerned about a friend or family member.
DVConnect Sexual Assault Helpline
Call 1800 010 120 open 7.30 am – 11.30 pm, 7 days a week
Telephone service that provides counselling to women, men and young people who have experienced or are concerned someone they know has experienced sexual assault or abuse.
dvconnect.org/queensland-sexual-assault-helpline/
SOUTH AUSTRALIA
Domestic Violence and Aboriginal Family Violence Gateway Services
Call 1800 800 098 open 24/7
Counselling and support for women experiencing domestic and family violence.
Yarrow Place Rape and Sexual Assault Services
Call 1800 817 421 open 24/7
(After hours and emergency 08 8226 8787)
Lead public health agency responding to adult rape and sexual assault in South Australia for people aged 16 years and over.
TASMANIA
Safe at Home Family Violence Response and Referral Line
Call 1800 633 937 open 24/7
Tasmanian information and referral service where callers are able to access the full range of response, counselling, information and other support services provided by Safe at Home.
Family Violence Counselling and Support Service
Call 1800 608 122 open 9 am to midnight on weekdays and 4 pm to midnight at weekends and public holidays.
Family Violence Counselling and Support Service offers professional and specialised services to assist children, young people and adults affected by family violence.
VICTORIA
Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre
Call 1800 015 188 open 24/7
Victorian state-wide service providing telephone support, information, referral, safety planning and risk assessment for women and children experiencing family violence.
Sexual Assault Crisis Line
Call 1800 806 292 open 24/7
A state-wide confidential, telephone crisis counselling service for people who have experienced both past and recent sexual assault.
WESTERN AUSTRALIA
Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline
Call 1800 007 339 open 24/7
State-wide service providing support and counselling for women experiencing family and domestic violence.
Sexual Assault Resource Centre
Call 1800 199 888
State-wide service providing emergency services and counselling for people who have experienced both past and recent sexual assault.
https://www.kemh.health.wa.gov.au/Our-services/Statewide-Services/SARC
SUPPORT FOR MEN
Mensline Australia
Call 1300 789 978. Online chat is also available: mensline.org.au
Supports men and boys who are dealing with domestic and family violence and relationship difficulties.
Men’s Referral Service
offers assistance, information and counselling to help men who use domestic and family violence.
Call 1300 755 491
NATIONAL SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN
Headspace
Call 1800 650 890 open 9 am – 1 am, 7 days a week
Support services for young people with mental health, physical health (including sexual health), alcohol and other drug services, as well as work and study support.
Kids Helpline
Call 1800 55 1800 open 24/7
Telephone, email and web counselling for children and young people.
Australian Childhood Foundation
Call 1800 176 453 open 24/7
Counselling for children and young people affected by abuse.
NATIONAL SUPPORT FOR FAMILIES
Relationships Australia
Call 1300 364 277
Information on relationship support services for individuals, families and communities
NATIONAL SUPPORT IN YOUR LANGUAGE
Translating and Interpreting Service
Call 131 450 open 24/7
Free phone service to gain access to an interpreter in your own language.
FINANCIAL SUPPORT
For information about receiving a Centrelink crisis payment to help you with immediate financial concerns, contact Centrelink on 132 850 or find information online
Some banks offer support for customers experiencing domestic and family violence. Call your bank to see how they can assist you.
