Understanding Coercive Control, When Control Doesn’t Look Like Violence
You don't always realise you're being controlled. Not at first.
There's no shouting, no bruises, no slamming doors. Just a slow tightening in your chest. A growing fear of “getting it wrong". A shrinking version of yourself you barely notice until one day you catch a glimpse and think: I'm disappearing.
Many survivors sit in my counselling room and say, “I don't know if this counts as abuse. He's never hit me, but something feels wrong… I don't feel like myself anymore".
This is how coercive control works. It's not loud or obvious. It's a quiet erosion of autonomy, of self-trust, of freedom. By the time you notice it, the water has been boiling for a long time.
If You're Here Because...
You might be reading this because:
You feel like you're walking on eggshells constantly
You've lost touch with friends or family and you're not sure how it happened
You second-guess every decision, even small ones
You feel anxious about their mood or reaction to things
You've changed who you are to keep the peace
You don't know if what you're experiencing "counts" as abuse
Someone has suggested you might be in a controlling relationship
You feel like you're losing yourself but can't explain why
If any of this resonates, keep reading. What you're experiencing has a name, and you're not imagining it.
The Control That Creeps In Slowly
Coercive control isn't defined by one incident. It's defined by accumulation.
Small comments that make you doubt yourself. Little requests that slowly become rules. A bit of "concern" that becomes surveillance. A bit of “jealousy" that becomes isolation. A bit of “protectiveness" that becomes domination.
From the outside, nothing looks dramatic. From the inside, your nervous system is on high alert, even if your mind is still trying to make sense of what's happening.
You tell yourself: He's stressed. She's just worried about me. They didn't mean it. It's not that bad.
But your body knows. It feels the tightening, the bracing, the shrinking. It feels the loss of freedom long before your mind has the words for it.
If you're unsure what you're experiencing, you may find my piece on Recognising Emotional Abuse: Signs and Impact helpful.
Why Your Nervous System Reacts Before You Do
Coercive control destabilises you in ways that are subtle but deeply physiological. Your nervous system starts mapping danger: the change in their tone, the questions that are really accusations, the silence that feels like punishment.
Your body keeps score, long before you consciously register that something has shifted.
Take a slow breath here. Just notice what your body is doing as you read this.
You start walking on eggshells. You plan your words. You censor yourself. You stop sharing good news or worries because you don't know which version of them you'll get. Over time, you stop trusting what you feel. You check their reaction before trusting your own.
This is not a weakness. This is the physiology of survival.
When a partner slowly controls your world, your nervous system adapts. It prioritises safety, even if that means shrinking. The child who learned to read a parent's mood becomes the adult whose body is exquisitely tuned to threat. And in a controlling relationship, that early wiring switches back on.
Recognising coercive control is vital before it's too late.
How Control Disguises Itself as Care
Coercive control rarely begins with violence. It begins with something that looks like love.
“I just want to protect you."
”I don't like how your friends treat you."
”You don't need to work, I'll look after everything."
”I get jealous because I care so much."
”Why didn't you answer? I was worried."
These are easy to rationalise. Easy to excuse. Easy to confuse with care.
But over time, they become isolation, financial dependence, surveillance, threats, degradation, gaslighting, sexual coercion, monitoring of your time, clothing, body, friendships and choices.
They don't start big. They grow slowly; the boiling frog metaphor isn't dramatic; it's accurate. You don't jump because the water doesn't feel hot yet.
If you're feeling confused about the shifts, you may also relate to the dynamics described in Why Healthy Love Can Feel Uncomfortable After Abuse.
What Coercive Control Actually Looks Like
Instead of asking “Is it really abuse?", it helps to look at patterns. Coercive control involves ongoing behaviours that limit your freedom and sense of self. Here are the most common forms:
Isolation
Criticising or undermining your friends and family until you stop seeing them
Creating conflict that makes it easier to just stay home
Moving you away from your support network
Monitoring or limiting your contact with others
Making you feel guilty for spending time with anyone else
Gradually cutting you off from people who knew you before
Monitoring & Surveillance
Checking your phone, emails, or social media without permission
Tracking your location constantly
Demanding to know where you are and who you're with at all times
Installing tracking apps or cameras
Showing up unexpectedly to “check" on you
Accusing you of lying if you don't respond immediately
Control Over Daily Life
Dictating what you wear, eat, or how you look
Making all the decisions about money, social plans, or household matters
Controlling your access to transportation
Restricting your sleep, food, or medication
Creating rules about how you should behave
Punishing you (through silence, withdrawal, anger) when you don't comply
Financial Control
Limiting or controlling your access to money
Preventing you from working or sabotaging your job
Taking your income or making you account for every dollar spent
Running up debt in your name
Refusing to contribute financially while demanding control
Creating financial dependence so leaving feels impossible
Degradation & Humiliation
Name-calling, insults, or constant criticism
Humiliating you in front of others
Making “jokes" at your expense that aren't funny
Comparing you unfavorably to others
Undermining your competence or intelligence
Sexual degradation or coercion
Threats & Intimidation
Threatening to harm you, themselves, pets, or children
Threatening to leave or take the children
Threatening to expose private information
Damaging property or possessions you care about
Displaying weapons or using their physical presence to intimidate
Making you feel afraid even without explicit threats
Gaslighting & Reality Distortion
Denying things they said or did
Telling you that you're “too sensitive" or “overreacting"
Convincing you that your memory or perception is wrong
Rewriting history to make you doubt yourself
Accusing you of being “crazy" or “unstable"
Making you question your own judgment constantly
Exploitation of Vulnerability
Using your mental health struggles against you
Threatening to have you committed or take custody based on your mental health
Withholding medication or treatment
Using your immigration status, disability, or other vulnerabilities as leverage
Exploiting your past trauma to control you
Weaponising your fears or insecurities
You don't need to experience all of these to be in a controlling relationship. Even a few of these patterns, if ongoing, constitute coercive control.
Is This Happening to You? A Quick Self-Check
If you're still unsure, ask yourself these questions. Your answers don't need to be definitive, just honest.
About Your Freedom:
Can I make plans without worrying about their reaction?
Can I see friends and family when I want to?
Do I have access to money and make financial decisions?
Can I make choices about my own body, clothing, and appearance?
About Your Sense of Self:
Do I feel like myself anymore?
Have I become more anxious, depressed, or shut down?
Do I constantly second-guess my own judgment?
Have I stopped doing things I used to enjoy?
About Your Safety:
Do I feel afraid of making them angry?
Do I monitor my behaviour to prevent their reactions?
Do I feel like I'm walking on eggshells?
Do I feel trapped or unable to leave?
About the Relationship:
Do they respect my boundaries or do they push past them?
Can I disagree without consequences?
Do they take responsibility for their behaviour or blame me?
Do I feel like an equal partner or like I'm being managed?
If you answered “no" or “I'm not sure" to many of these questions, something real is happening. Your confusion isn't a sign that it's not serious—it's often a sign that it is.
Key Takeaways: What You Need to Know About Coercive Control
By now, several important truths should be clear:
About coercive control:
It's domestic abuse, even without physical violence
It works by accumulation: small things that build into a pattern
It's designed to make you doubt your own mind
It often looks like “care" or “love" from the outside
Your body recognises it before your mind can name it
About yourself:
You're not imagining it, overreacting, or being too sensitive
Your nervous system's responses (anxiety, hypervigilance, shutting down) are normal reactions to an abnormal situation
Feeling confused doesn't mean it's not real; confusion is part of how control works
You haven't “let this happen"; coercive control is designed to be hard to see
About what happens next:
You don't have to have everything figured out to seek support
Leaving is not always immediately possible or safe and that's okay
Understanding what's happening is the first step toward reclaiming yourself
You deserve support regardless of what you decide to do
Healing is possible, even if it feels impossible right now
Why Leaving Feels Impossible
People outside the relationship often ask: “Why didn't you just leave?"
They don't understand that by the time you want to leave, you've often already lost your support network, your financial independence, your sense of self, your ability to trust your own thoughts, and your belief that you deserve better.
This isn't psychological failure. It's a trauma bond shaped by fear, unpredictability, longing, and intermittent “kindness" that resets the cycle.
If you want to understand this more deeply, you may find my blog on Why You Miss Them (Even Though They Hurt You): Understanding Trauma Bonds helpful.
Leaving is not a simple decision. It's a physiological rupture. Your nervous system has learned that staying small keeps you safer than leaving.
If you've left and gone back, or if you're still there, please don't add shame to an already impossible situation. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do.
What Coercive Control Does to the Self
By the time people come into counselling, they often say:
“I don't recognise myself."
“I second-guess everything."
“I don't know who I am anymore."
“I feel stupid for falling for this."
“I feel numb."
“I feel crazy."
But you are not crazy.
You are not dramatic.
You are not weak.
You are not imagining it.
You are responding exactly how the nervous system responds to chronic domination. Your body isn't failing you; it's protecting you.
If you're trying to make sense of the patterns you're caught in, this piece may also help: Why Is It So Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship?
If You're Thinking About Leaving: Safety First
If you're considering leaving or are in the early stages of planning, safety is the priority. Here are some initial steps:
Before You Leave:
Trust your instincts about danger—the most dangerous time is often when you're leaving or right after
Contact a domestic violence service for safety planning support (1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732)
Document evidence if it's safe to do so (photos, texts, emails, journal entries)
Store important documents somewhere safe outside the home (or take photos and email them to yourself)
Set up a separate bank account if possible
Identify safe people who can support you
Have a bag packed with essentials if you need to leave quickly
Know where you'll go and how you'll get there
Seeking Support Safely:
Clear your browser history after researching resources
Use a safe device that isn't monitored
Consider using a friend's phone or a public computer
Change passwords on accounts they might have access to
Tell someone you trust what's happening
Remember:
You don't have to leave immediately to start planning
Reaching out for support doesn't commit you to leaving
Safety planning can help you feel more in control
Professional support can help you navigate this safely
If you're in immediate danger, call 000.
You're Not Imagining It, and You're Not Alone
You are not overreacting.
You are not exaggerating.
You are not failing.
You are not the problem.
Coercive control is designed to make you question your own mind. The fact that you're questioning it at all means you're waking up to something important.
Thousands of people experience this. Many have found their way out and rebuilt lives where they don't have to shrink to survive. You deserve that too.
You Deserve Support
You don’t have to decide anything right now.
You don’t have to confront anyone.
You don’t have to leave before you’re ready.
Support can begin with one conversation, a space where you’re believed, not analysed or pushed, and where your nervous system doesn’t have to stay on guard.
If you want a trauma-informed space to gently untangle what’s happening, I’m here.
If You’d Like to Talk
I work with people experiencing or recovering from coercive control and emotional abuse. This work is slow, relational, and led by your sense of safety, not by pressure or timelines.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 0452 285 526
If You're in Immediate Danger:
Call 000 if your life is at risk
Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support)
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (24/7 domestic violence support)
Remember: You deserve safety, not control. You deserve a life where you don't have to shrink to survive. And you don't have to figure this out alone.
