Why You Miss Them (Even Though They Hurt You): Understanding Trauma Bonds
You know they hurt you. Maybe they yelled. Maybe they withdrew. Gaslit you. Left you questioning your reality.
You’ve left, or maybe they left you, but here you are: still aching, still remembering the good times, still wondering if it was really that bad.
Or worse, you’re asking yourself:
“What’s wrong with me for missing someone who treated me like that?”
If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath. You're not broken. You're human.
What you’re feeling has a name — and you’re not the only one experiencing it.
This is called a trauma bond, and understanding it can be the first step in untangling the confusion and starting the healing process.
Free Resource
Before you go further, you might like to download my free Trauma Bond Reflection Guide, a gentle, step-by-step journal tool to help you make sense of what happened and reconnect with your own clarity, safety, and self-trust.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse, followed by periods of reconciliation or affection. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s what happens when your nervous system is repeatedly activated by a person who both soothes and harms you.
Abuse → Emotional Withdrawal → Reconciliation → Hope → Repeat
In these relationships, love and pain become entwined. Your body learns to associate intense emotional highs and lows with connection. You may find yourself hooked on the hope that things will improve, or on the memory of who they were in the beginning.
This bond can feel as strong as an addiction, because in many ways, it functions like one.
“Trauma-bonding is a hormonal attachment created by repeated abuse, sprinkled with being “saved” every now and then. ”
What it’s not: Having a shared trauma history or simply missing an ex. Trauma bonds involve an ongoing cycle of emotional harm and hope.
Signs You Might Be in a Trauma Bond
These signs aren’t a checklist for diagnosis, but gentle prompts for reflection:
You feel stuck in the relationship, even though it’s causing harm.
You take full responsibility for the relationship while your partner shows no self-reflection or accountability.
You find yourself justifying or making excuses for their behaviour to others.
You feel anxious or panicked at the thought of leaving them.
You crave their approval, even when they’re the one hurting you.
You keep hoping they’ll change back to who they were “at the beginning.”
You feel emotionally drained but can't seem to cut contact.
You blame yourself for the problems in the relationship.
There’s a double standard; you would never treat them the way they treat you.
Your self-esteem has eroded due to gaslighting, blame, and emotional manipulation.
Friends or family express concern, but you feel isolated or defensive.
If any of these resonate, please know: it makes sense. These patterns develop slowly and are reinforced by cycles of hope and fear.
Even relationships that hurt can feel deeply intimate. Trauma bonds often blur the line between connection and pain.
Why You Still Miss the Person Who Hurt You
Let’s gently explore the reasons this longing sticks around:
Neurochemistry Hooks You In
Your brain is wired to seek connection and safety. The highs of the relationship (apologies, affection, promises of change) flood your system with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. Then come the crashes: the hurtful comments, the withdrawal, the fear. This rollercoaster activates your survival brain, and your nervous system starts to equate the drama with love.
It Taps Into Old Wounds
Many people who experience trauma bonds have histories of inconsistent caregiving, emotional neglect, or early relational trauma. When someone replicates these familiar dynamics, it can feel almost comforting, even if it’s harmful. The inner child hopes, “Maybe this time, I can earn the love I needed back then”.
Cognitive Dissonance Is Confusing
When you know someone hurt you but still miss them, your mind struggles to reconcile those truths. So it clings to the good memories, idealised moments, or glimpses of who you thought they could be. You might find yourself replaying the “honeymoon phase”, searching for signs that it was real.
You're Grieving the Hope, Not Just the Person
It’s not just them you miss, it’s the potential they represented. The future you imagined. The person they sometimes were. Letting go means mourning not only the relationship but also the fantasy of who you hoped they could be.
You Wonder If You Were the Problem
Gaslighting, blame-shifting, and manipulation can leave deep scars. You may now question your memory, your reactions, and your worth. Missing them gets entangled with guilt and self-doubt: “Maybe if I had just...”
Missing Them Doesn’t Mean It Wasn’t Abuse
One of the biggest myths survivors battle is: “If it was really abuse, I wouldn’t still care”.
But missing someone is a feeling, not a fact. Trauma bonds can distort your perception of love and safety. You can miss someone and recognise that the relationship was unsafe. These things can coexist.
You can love and leave. You can grieve and protect yourself. You can feel confused and still trust your decision to walk away.
How to Begin Breaking the Bond
You don’t have to tear the bond apart overnight. But you can begin to unravel it, thread by thread.
Recognise the Pattern. Name it. Notice when the longing kicks in. Is it tied to loneliness? Self-doubt? A need for reassurance? Awareness is a powerful first step.
Ground in the Present. Create rituals that bring you back to your body: a weighted blanket, a grounding stone, feet in the grass, or simply placing a hand on your heart. Remind yourself: It’s over. I am safe now.
A few examples of grounding exercises:
Slow, deep belly breathing with a hand on your abdomen
Describing your immediate surroundings out loud (5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste)
Progressive muscle relaxation, gently tensing and releasing muscle groups
Using a soothing mantra: “I am safe now. This feeling will pass.”
Reflect on the Reality. Write down what actually happened. What did you have to compromise to stay? What was the cost to your health, your dignity, your joy?
Reconnect with Safe People. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Let someone trustworthy bear witness to your story, a friend, a therapist, or a support group.
Build a New Story. Who are you becoming now that you're free? What kind of love do you want to grow into, starting with how you treat yourself?
Rebuilding Your Sense of Self
One of the most damaging aspects of trauma bonds is how they can erode your sense of self-worth and identity. You might have lost touch with your own needs, preferences, and boundaries. Recovery involves reconnecting with who you are outside of that relationship.
Start small by identifying things you enjoy that have nothing to do with them. Reconnect with friends and family members who support you unconditionally. Engage in activities that make you feel competent and confident. Practice setting and maintaining boundaries in all your relationships.
Remember that healing isn't linear. You might have days where you miss them intensely, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not making progress or that you're destined to repeat the pattern. Be gentle with yourself and trust that these feelings will lessen over time.
You Are Not Weak for Missing Them
You are not foolish, broken, or doomed to repeat the past. You are someone who loved deeply, who wanted connection, and who tried to make something work that couldn’t.
Missing them doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means you’re human. Healing means learning to feel the ache without letting it pull you back.
You can miss them and still move forward.
You Are Not Weak for Missing Them
You’re not foolish. You’re not broken. You’re someone who loved deeply, who hoped, and who held on for as long as you could.
Missing them doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means you’re human.
Healing a trauma bond isn’t about shutting down your feelings, it’s about learning to feel them without being pulled back in.
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you’d like support processing what happened, reconnecting with your self-worth, and moving toward safer, more nourishing love, I’m here.
📥 Ready to Begin Gently Unravelling the Bond?
➡️ Download the free Trauma Bond Reflection Guide to begin making sense of your experience and taking back your power, one insight at a time.
Or, book a free 15-minute consultation to see if trauma-informed counselling could support your healing.
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FAQ: Trauma Bond Recovery
What makes a trauma bond different from a healthy relationship?
In a trauma bond, the emotional connection is built on cycles of abuse and reconciliation, creating confusion, dependency, and a distorted sense of love and safety.
Why does leaving feel so hard, even when I know it’s toxic?
Because your nervous system associates the emotional highs and lows with connection. This creates a powerful physiological and emotional hook that mimics addiction.
Can I recover from a trauma bond on my own?
While self-reflection helps, many people benefit from therapeutic support to untangle the guilt, grief, and patterns that formed in the relationship.
