Why Is It So Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship?

You know it's not good for you.

Your friends see it. Your family sees it. Sometimes, in quiet moments alone, you see it too.

But knowing you should leave and actually leaving are two entirely different things.

People on the outside don't understand why you stay. They say things like "just leave" or "I would never put up with that" or "you deserve better." And you know they're right. You know you deserve better.

But they don't know what it feels like from the inside.

They don't know about the fear that grips you when you think about being alone. They don't understand the financial realities that trap you. They can't see how your sense of self has been so thoroughly eroded that you genuinely don't believe anyone else would want you.

Leaving a toxic relationship isn't a simple choice. It's one of the hardest, most complex decisions you'll ever face.

And if you're struggling with it right now, I want you to know: there's nothing weak about finding it difficult. The reasons you stay are real, valid, and deeply human.

This is why it's so hard.

What Makes a Relationship Toxic?

Before we go further, let's be clear about what we mean.

A toxic relationship is one that harms your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. It might involve belittling, controlling your actions, manipulating your feelings, or making you feel isolated from the people who care about you.

Sometimes the abuse is obvious—physical violence, threats, intimidation. But often it's more insidious. Emotional abuse and coercive control can be just as damaging, and they're harder to name because they leave no visible marks.

Many people don't even realise they're in a toxic relationship until the signs become impossible to ignore. You might think, "It's not that bad", or "Other people have it worse", or "They're not abusive, they just have a temper."

But if your relationship consistently leaves you feeling small, anxious, worthless, or afraid, that's not love. That's harm.

The Invisible Chains: Why Leaving Feels Impossible

Your Self-Worth Has Been Dismantled

In toxic relationships, the constant put-downs and emotional manipulation make you question your value as a person.

You may have started the relationship feeling confident, capable, worthy. But over time, their words have seeped in. "No one else will want you." "You're lucky I put up with you." "You're too much." "You're not enough."

Eventually, you start to believe them.

And when you believe you're worthless, the idea of leaving feels absurd. Who would want to be with you? How would you manage on your own? You've been convinced that this relationship, as painful as it is, is the best you can do.

This is one of the cruellest aspects of emotional abuse: it makes you believe you deserve the mistreatment.

You're Holding Onto Who They Used to Be

Long-term relationships come with deep emotional investments. You have shared dreams, memories, inside jokes, a history together.

Maybe in the beginning, they made you feel cherished. Maybe there are still moments, brief, fleeting moments, when you see glimpses of the person you fell in love with. They apologise. They promise to change. They buy you flowers. They're kind for a week or two.

And you think: Maybe this time will be different. Maybe they really mean it.

So you stay, holding onto hope. Holding onto the version of them you love, the version you're sure is still in there somewhere, buried under the anger and the cruelty.

But those moments of tenderness are part of the cycle. They're not signs of change, they're what keeps you hooked. This is how trauma bonding works: the intermittent kindness makes you more attached, not less.

The Fear of Being Alone Is Overwhelming

Even when the relationship is hurtful, the idea of being single and starting over can be terrifying.

What if you never find anyone else? What if being alone is even worse? What if you made a mistake and threw away your one chance at love?

The comfort of familiarity, even when it's harmful, often feels safer than stepping into the unknown. At least you know what to expect here. At least you're not alone.

For many people, this fear isn’t just emotional — it’s physiological. Trauma can keep the nervous system stuck in survival mode, making change feel dangerous rather than relieving. If you’ve noticed yourself freezing, shutting down, or going blank in moments of conflict, this may be part of a shutdown or freeze response rather than a lack of strength or clarity.

But here's the truth: loneliness in a relationship is far more painful than loneliness on your own.

When you're alone, you're at least free. When you're lonely in a relationship, you're trapped with someone who makes you feel invisible.

You've Normalised the Toxicity

When you're in a toxic relationship for long enough, you start to normalise the bad behaviour.

Maybe you grew up witnessing this kind of treatment. Maybe you've been in relationships like this before. Maybe you've been told by your partner—or even by others—that "all relationships are hard" or "no one's perfect."

So you stop questioning whether this is okay. You accept the mistreatment as standard. You convince yourself that everyone deals with this, that you're just being too sensitive, that you need to toughen up.

But this isn't what healthy relationships look like. Healthy relationships don't leave you feeling anxious, afraid, or worthless. They don't require you to walk on eggshells or constantly manage someone else's emotions.

If you grew up in an emotionally unpredictable or neglectful home, you might not have a reference point for what safety in relationships actually feels like. You're operating with a broken baseline for what's acceptable.

The Children Are Keeping You There

For many people, the presence of children makes leaving feel impossible.

You worry about the impact of separation on their well-being. You fear custody battles. You're terrified that your toxic partner will manipulate the children, turn them against you, or paint you as the unstable one.

You also worry about practical things: Can you afford the activities they love? Will they still be able to go on holidays? Will their lives be upended in ways you can't fix?

So you stay, hoping that somehow things will improve for their sake. But staying in a toxic relationship doesn't protect your children—it teaches them that this is what love looks like.

Children are remarkably perceptive. They feel the tension. They see the disrespect. And they learn from it.

Sometimes leaving is the most protective thing you can do.

You're Financially Trapped

If your partner controls the finances or you're financially dependent on them, leaving can feel like an insurmountable challenge.

Maybe you stopped working to raise children. Maybe they sabotaged your career. Maybe they control every dollar and you have no savings of your own.

Financial abuse is a powerful form of control precisely because it makes you materially dependent on the person who's harming you.

And the fear is real: Where will I go? How will I survive? How will I support my children?

This is not a small thing. It's a genuine barrier, and it's one of the reasons why leaving often requires careful planning and external support.

You're Afraid of What They'll Do

For some, leaving a toxic relationship feels dangerous.

There's a real fear that leaving will make things worse. Abusers often escalate their behaviour when they sense they're losing control. They may threaten harm—to you, to your children, to themselves, to your reputation.

And you know these aren't empty threats. You've seen what they're capable of.

This is why leaving an abusive relationship is statistically the most dangerous time. Your fear is not irrational. It's based on real risk.

If you're in this situation, please know: you need a safety plan. You need support. And you deserve help in navigating this.

You're Not Weak for Staying

The reasons you stay are not character flaws. They're deeply human responses to complex, painful circumstances.

You stay because:

Your self-worth has been systematically dismantled. You're emotionally invested in a history you can't just erase. You're terrified of being alone. You're holding onto hope that things will change. You've normalised the toxicity. You're protecting your children (or think you are). You're financially dependent. You're genuinely afraid for your safety.

These are not excuses. They're explanations.

And understanding them doesn't mean you're doomed to stay forever. It means you're beginning to see clearly what's been keeping you stuck.

What Leaving Actually Requires

Leaving isn't about willpower or courage alone. It requires:

Safety. If there's any risk of violence, you need a plan. This might mean contacting a domestic violence service, having a safe place to go, and ensuring your partner doesn't know your plans until you're already gone.

Support. You need people around you who understand, who won't judge, and who can help practically and emotionally. This might be friends, family, a therapist, or a support group.

Financial stability or a path toward it. This might mean quietly saving money, securing your own bank account, understanding your legal rights, or accessing financial support services.

Emotional clarity. You need to reach a point where staying hurts more than the fear of leaving. This isn't something you can force—it comes when it comes.

A plan. Leaving without a plan, especially if children or safety concerns are involved, can be dangerous and chaotic. Planning doesn't mean you're not serious—it means you're smart.

If you're not ready to leave yet, that doesn't make you weak. It might just mean you're still building what you need to make it possible.

Healing After You Leave

Even after you leave, the healing takes time.

You might feel sadness, anger, relief, guilt, grief, all at once or in waves. You might second-guess yourself. You might miss them, even knowing the relationship was harmful.

All of this is normal.

Leaving doesn't erase the attachment. It doesn't undo the damage instantly. But it gives you space to begin rebuilding yourself.

Therapy can help immensely during this phase. It offers a place to process what happened, to untangle the lies you were told about yourself, and to slowly reclaim your sense of worth.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to take the next small step.

Sometimes the first step isn’t knowing where you’re going, it’s allowing yourself to move.

You Deserve Better

If you're reading this and recognising yourself, please hear this: you deserve better.

You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve relationships that nourish you, not deplete you.

Leaving is hard. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But staying will continue to hurt you: mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically.

You don't have to go through this alone. There are people who understand. There are resources available. And there is a life on the other side of this, a life where you feel like yourself again.

When you're ready, I'm here.

Need Support?

If you’re navigating a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, or you’ve already left and are trying to make sense of what you’ve been through, therapy can offer a calm, non-judgmental space to slow things down and find your footing again.

If you would like to talk to me about your situation

email at kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au

or phone on 0452 070 738

If you're in immediate danger:

• Call 000 if your life is at risk

• 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) - 24/7 domestic violence support

• Lifeline 13 11 14 - 24/7 crisis support

You're not alone. Help is available.