When Your Body Forgets How to Feel Safe

Finding Your Way Back Through Glimmers

There’s an exhausting rhythm some of us know too well: swinging between too much and not enough, between panic and shutdown, between doing everything and doing nothing at all.

If you grew up in chaos, carried trauma, or lived with chronic stress, your nervous system learned early to scan for danger. It became hyper-alert, always ready, never quite at rest.

For many adults who grew up with emotionally immature, unpredictable, or alcohol-affected parents, this hypervigilance becomes the background hum of life. If this resonates, you may find my piece Why Adult Children of Alcoholics Struggle to Feel Safe helpful.

Over time, that internal alarm system can forget what safety feels like.

If you’d like a deeper understanding of how stress shapes your internal alarm system, you may find my piece on the Window of Tolerance helpful.

You might mistake fight-or-flight for productivity. Or collapse from laziness. The constant hum of tension starts to feel like who you are.

But here’s what matters: an overprotective nervous system isn’t permanent. Through something called glimmers, small, fleeting moments that tell your body you're safe now, you can begin to teach yourself that calm is possible.

It won't be linear. And it won't always feel good. But it’s possible.

When You Can't Tell You're Dysregulated Anymore

For years, I didn't recognise dysregulation in myself. It had become my baseline.

When I told myself I was “being productive,” I was often in fight-or-flight. When I called myself “lazy,” I was usually in shutdown. My body was stuck in survival mode, and I had no idea how to find my way out.

You might recognise these states:

Fight-or-flight feels like everything must happen now. You can’t sit still, can’t switch off, can’t stop preparing for the next thing. Restlessness masquerades as energy. Anxiety hums beneath everything.

Shutdown feels like “I just can’t.” You move through fog. You keep yourself small. Exhausted, quiet. Sleep doesn’t help. Numbness fills the places where feeling should be.

Freeze is that suspended state between the two. Not quite anxious, not quite numb. You stare into space, forget what you were doing, and feel detached from life. That too is protection.

These aren't character flaws. They're your nervous system's best attempt to keep you safe.

For many people, these survival states become especially entrenched after experiences like chronic invalidation or gaslighting. If you'd like to explore this more deeply, you may find these helpful:
– How to Trust Yourself Again After Gaslighting
– When Your Partner Shuts Down — Understanding Withdrawal as Protection

But when survival becomes your default, you lose flexibility—the ability to move between states and come back to balance.

Even tiny moments of light can help the nervous system move out of survival mode.

What Glimmers Are (and Why They're Hard to Notice)

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers.

Triggers activate your survival responses. Glimmers invite your body back toward calm, connection, and safety.

They’re subtle. Easy to miss. Because your nervous system has been trained to spot threat, not peace. The felt sense of safety is quiet. You have to learn to notice it.

There are two kinds:

Self-regulating glimmers are things you do alone—reading, journaling, stretching, breathing slowly, soaking in a warm bath, savouring tea without rushing.

Co-regulating glimmers happen in connection—laughing with someone safe, resting with a pet in your lap, sitting beside a calm friend, or sharing a conversation that doesn’t demand performance.

Both kinds remind your body that ease is possible. And that you can trust it when it arrives.

Start Where You Are

Healing doesn’t begin by forcing calm. It starts with noticing where you actually are and choosing glimmers that meet you there.

When you’re too hot (anxious, restless, unable to settle), you need glimmers that release energy: dancing hard, singing out loud, running, or tidying with intention. Let the activation move through and out.

When you’re too cold (shut down, numb, disconnected), you need glimmers that gently awaken: a warm shower, fresh clothes on your skin, a slow walk, the hum of a café, or a safe phone call.

The goal isn’t to stay calm all the time. Stress responses are part of life. What matters is flexibility, being able to move between states and come home again.

With practice, something shifts. Daily stress feels more manageable. You can miss a train or spill your coffee without spiralling. Recovery becomes quicker. Balance feels accessible again.

And slowly, the safe-and-social state becomes your home base, not just a fleeting visitor.

Six Pathways Back to Safety

Glimmers can come from anywhere, but these six pathways are especially powerful for helping your nervous system return to safety.

1. Movement

Movement resets the nervous system when it’s attuned to your state. Animals naturally shake after a threat passes, releasing survival energy. We can do this too.

Try this: stand with your feet hip-width apart, knees soft. Let your shoulders loosen. Shake, bounce, or wiggle for a minute or two. Then pause. Notice what feels different.

It might look silly, but it works. This tells your body: the danger has passed. You can settle now.

2. Breath

Your breath is always with you. And it’s one of the few body functions you can consciously shape.

In anxiety, breath becomes shallow and fast. In shutdown, it’s heavy and slow. By lengthening your exhale, you cue safety.

Try inhaling for four counts, exhaling for six. Or use box breathing—in for four, hold for four, out for four, pause for four.

Just a few rounds can begin the shift from survival to safety.

3. Connection

Humans aren’t meant to regulate alone.

Co-regulation happens when you’re with someone who’s calm and grounded. Their steadiness signals your body that it’s safe to let go.

Notice who helps you feel safe—and who doesn’t. Both matter.

4. Awe

Awe arises when you encounter something bigger than your usual world—a sky full of stars, music that moves you, an act of kindness.

In awe, your focus softens. Your breath deepens. You reconnect with presence.

Wonder doesn’t require grand experiences—it lives in the way light moves through leaves or laughter catches you off guard.

5. Nature

Time in nature calms the autonomic nervous system. But it’s not about being outside. It’s about noticing.

Feel sunlight on your skin. Hear the wind move. Touch bark or soil. Even brief, mindful moments restore balance.

If you live in a city, find small signs of life—weeds in pavement cracks, shifting light, birdsong between buildings. Bring nature inside with plants, shells, or sounds.

6. Play

In a culture that prizes productivity, play feels rebellious. But play is essential.

True play is purposeless joy—dancing badly, doodling, singing off-key, playing games for no reason.

Play teaches your nervous system that activation doesn’t always mean danger. It builds resilience through safe oscillation between excitement and calm.

Remember what delighted you as a child. Give yourself permission to enjoy it again—not to achieve, but to feel alive.

Building Your Daily Glimmer Practice

Healing happens through repetition, not intensity.

This week, notice what softens your breath or lowers your shoulders. Write it down—a list of your personal glimmers for both “too hot” and “too cold” days.

When you feel dysregulated, pause and ask: Am I too hot or too cold right now?
Then choose a glimmer that fits.

Every small moment of safety builds new neural pathways toward resilience.

Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in thousands of gentle returns to yourself.

The Promise Underneath

With consistent practice, glimmers change how life feels.

Stress still happens, but you recover faster. Dysregulation feels less like drowning and more like a wave you know how to ride back to shore.

Healing your nervous system isn’t about being calm forever. It’s about flexibility. About knowing how to come home.

Your body has been protecting you the best way it knew how.

Each time you notice a glimmer, you’re rewriting what safety means inside you.

This article is for education and doesn’t replace therapy.

If you’re struggling with trauma or nervous system dysregulation, consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who can walk alongside you.

If you’d like gentle, practical support in building nervous system resilience, you’re welcome to book a session here.

📞 Call 0452 285 526
📧 Email kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au