Trauma Bonding and Why You Can't Let Go of Someone Who Hurts You
There's a particular kind of confusion that sets in when you keep returning to someone who hurts you. Friends might ask why you don't just leave. You've asked yourself the same question a hundred times. The relationship swings wildly between moments that feel like love and stretches that leave you hollow. You find yourself making excuses, rewriting history, waiting for the person you first met to come back to you.
What makes it so difficult to name is that it doesn't feel like weakness from the inside. It feels like loyalty. Like hope. Like love, even when love has become unrecognisable.
It doesn’t feel like weakness. It feels like loyalty.
This is trauma bonding, an attachment formed not despite the harm, but in some ways because of it. It develops through cycles of intensity and injury, of closeness and cruelty. The bond grows stronger precisely because it's unstable, unpredictable, and shot through with longing for the good moments to last.
If you've been caught in this pattern, you already know how isolating it can be. How hard it is to explain why you stay, or why leaving feels impossible even when you know staying is damaging. Understanding what trauma bonding actually is, and why it takes such a grip, can help you begin to untangle it.
What Makes Trauma Bonds So Powerful?
Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse that causes a person to form an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. Whilst it occurs most often in emotionally abusive relationships, it can also develop in situations involving physical violence, manipulation, or coercive control.
This bond is built on a foundation of intermittent reinforcement; a pattern that alternates unpredictably between kindness, affection, or intimacy and control, cruelty, or neglect. The inconsistency creates profound confusion and emotional dependency, leaving you constantly off-balance.
If this feels familiar, you may also like Love or Control? Understanding Subtle Power Dynamics.
Healing from trauma bonding is not about letting go of love ; it’s about reclaiming yourself.
The Psychology Behind Trauma Bonds
Trauma Bonding vs. Stockholm Syndrome
You may have heard people use the term Stockholm syndrome when talking about why someone stays in an abusive relationship. Whilst both involve attachment to someone who causes harm, they're quite different and the distinction matters.
Stockholm syndrome describes hostages developing positive feelings towards captors during life-threatening captivity. Trauma bonding, however, develops gradually within relationships through cycles of abuse and reconciliation. Unlike hostages with no prior connection to their captors, people experiencing trauma bonds entered the relationship willingly, often with genuine love and hope.
When people casually invoke Stockholm syndrome to explain staying in an abusive relationship, they miss the relational complexity at play. You're not responding to a kidnapping, you're responding to psychological manipulation within an intimate bond, woven through shared history and real moments of connection. That requires understanding, not reductive labels.
You might experience:
Deep emotional connection during the "good" moments that feel almost magical
Excusing or minimising harmful behaviours, even when others point them out
Feeling unable to leave even after clear boundary violations
Intense longing for the person who hurt you, even when you're away from them
Persistent guilt, shame, or self-blame for staying or for even considering leaving
How Trauma Bonds Form
Trauma bonds don't happen overnight. They develop gradually through a repeating cycle of abuse that can feel like an emotional roller coaster you never bought a ticket for.
1. Idealisation
The relationship often starts with extraordinary intensity. You feel seen, loved, and special in ways you may never have experienced before.
Common signs:
Love bombing, for example excessive attention, gifts, and declarations of devotion
Over-the-top praise that makes you feel special
Fast-moving emotional or physical intimacy that feels thrilling and destiny-driven
2. Devaluation
Gradually, almost imperceptibly at first, cracks begin to show. Your partner may criticise, dismiss, or manipulate you.
You might notice:
Verbal or emotional abuse disguised as “honesty” or “jokes”
Gaslighting that makes you question your reality
Blame-shifting and withdrawal of affection as punishment
3. Reconciliation
After tension reaches a breaking point, the abuser offers affection, apologies, or grand gestures. Suddenly, you see glimpses of the person you fell for. You feel hopeful again.
4. Repetition
The cycle starts again. Over time, this relentless push-pull dynamic rewires your emotional responses, making you dependent on the unpredictable return of the "good version" of your partner.
Your nervous system begins to expect chaos followed by comfort. It feels "normal," even as it slowly erodes your sense of self.
If you're recognising these patterns, therapy can help you make sense of what's happening and start untangling the bond safely.
If you notice these patterns, talking to a therapist can help you understand what's going on and help you break free from the bond in a safe way.
Why You Can't Just "Walk Away"
Trauma bonding creates a painful state where the very person who causes harm also feels like your source of comfort and validation.
You may struggle to leave because:
You still love the person they sometimes are, and grieve the loss of who you believed they could become
You fear being alone, not believed, or judged
You've internalised the message that the abuse is your fault
You've lost trust in your own judgement after constant gaslighting
You still hope the relationship will return to those early, beautiful moments
Many survivors describe feeling like they're moving through fog, knowing the relationship is unhealthy yet emotionally unable to leave. This isn’t weakness; it’s how trauma bonding works. It’s designed to keep you tethered.
Signs You May Be in a Trauma Bond
Recognising the signs is often the first and most courageous step towards freedom:
You feel trapped but guilty for wanting to leave
You rationalise or minimise abuse
You make excuses for your partner's behaviour
You isolate from your loved ones because their concern feels threatening
You feel anxious or fearful when setting boundaries
You experience extreme emotional highs and lows but little peace
If you're nodding along, please know: your feelings make sense. Your confusion is not a flaw, it’s a natural response to an unnatural situation.
Shame Keeps You Stuck and Silence Makes It Worse
One of the most painful aspects of trauma bonding is the shame that comes with staying. Many people feel humiliated for being “too weak” or “too dependent”. This shame keeps you silent and that silence keeps you stuck.
Here's what therapy helps you understand: Trauma bonding is not a sign of weakness; it's a survival response.
Your brain and nervous system adapted to danger by clinging to fleeting moments of safety. You were doing your best to survive in an impossible situation.
You are not broken. You've been hurt. And healing is absolutely possible.
You may also find resonance in When Estrangement Feels Like Grief, which explores similar patterns of loss and longing.
How Therapy Helps You Rebuild Safety and Trust
Trauma bonds are powerful, but they are not permanent. With the right support, you can rebuild self-trust and form relationships grounded in safety and respect.
Trauma-informed therapy can help you:
Understand the mechanisms behind trauma bonding
Identify patterns of manipulation and control
Learn emotional regulation and grounding skills
Rebuild self-esteem and set boundaries without guilt
Grieve the relationship and process complex emotions
Reconnect with your authentic self, your values, dreams, and confidence
Therapy is a space where you don't have to explain away your confusion or defend your choices. Together, we'll begin sorting through what's truly yours, what was imposed on you, and what you want to reclaim.
Recognising the Cycle
If you're reading this and recognising yourself in these patterns, you've already begun healing. Awareness is powerful. It's okay to still care about someone who hurt you. It's okay to feel conflicted. And it's okay to ask for help.
You don't have to untangle this alone.
You were never meant to.
The cycle of trauma bonding can be broken with time, patience and support. You deserve relationships that don't require you to dim your light or doubt your reality.
Frequently Asked Questions About Trauma Bonding
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Trauma bonding happens when the emotional highs and lows of an abusive relationship create a powerful attachment to the person causing the harm. This usually develops through a repeating pattern of kindness and cruelty, where moments of affection make you believe things will change.
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Not exactly. Stockholm syndrome describes feelings of attachment that can form between captives and captors during a life-threatening situation. Trauma bonding happens within a relationship over time; it’s built through emotional manipulation, reconciliation, and intermittent affection, not captivity.
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Feeling unable to leave despite knowing the relationship is harmful
Making excuses or minimising the other person’s behaviour
Walking on eggshells and feeling anxious about boundaries
Intense emotional highs and lows
Guilt, shame, or fear about leaving
Isolation from people who care about you
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When you’re trauma-bonded, the same person who hurts you also feels like your source of comfort. Intermittent affection, gaslighting, and self-blame reinforce the cycle. You might still love the person they sometimes are, grieve who they used to be, or believe you can fix things if you just try harder.
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Yes. Many trauma bonds form in emotionally abusive or controlling relationships that don’t involve physical harm. Psychological manipulation, coercive control, and chronic devaluation can be just as damaging.
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Trauma-focused therapy helps you understand what’s happening and why it’s so difficult to let go. It supports you in:
Recognising manipulation and control
Rebuilding self-trust and self-esteem
Learning grounding and emotional regulation skills
Setting healthy boundaries without guilt
Grieving the relationship and rediscovering your identity
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Start by naming what’s happening. You might share it with a trusted friend or therapist and begin keeping notes about patterns or incidents. Small acts of self-validation, even saying, “What I’m feeling makes sense” can start to loosen the bond.
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Yes. Safe Space Counselling Services provides trauma-informed support for people recovering from emotional abuse and toxic relationships.
You can book a session here: book a session -
Coercive control is increasingly recognised as a form of domestic and family violence in Australia.
New South Wales has passed laws making coercive control a criminal offence (due to commence in 2025).
Queensland has also legislated against it, with similar laws taking effect from 2025.
Other states and territories, including Victoria and Western Australia, are reviewing or strengthening legal responses.
Even in places where it isn’t yet a separate criminal offence, family law courts and domestic violence services treat coercive control very seriously. Therapy can support survivors in recognising these patterns, rebuilding autonomy, and safely navigating legal or emotional next steps.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Book a therapy session with Safe Space Counselling Services and begin the compassionate work of healing from trauma bonding, rebuilding self-trust, and creating a new kind of connection, starting with yourself.
You're worth it. And you're not alone.
If you are ready to talk, you can contact me at:
kat@SafeSpaceCounsellingServices.com.au or call me on 0452 285 526.
or book a session with me:
