Decoding Narcissists' Flying Monkeys: The Art of Manipulation
If You’ve Dealt with a Narcissist, You Know the Flying Monkeys Aren’t Just a Metaphor
The term "flying monkeys" might sound quirky, but for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it describes a very real and painful experience.
Flying monkeys are the people the narcissist enlists to do their bidding. Sometimes they're recruited intentionally, other times they're pulled in through charm, fear, or misplaced loyalty. Either way, their behaviour can feel like a second wave of abuse: confusing, isolating, and deeply invalidating.
This blog will help you:
Understand who flying monkeys are (and why they get involved),
Recognise their behaviours and impacts, and
Reclaim your sense of clarity, boundary, and nervous system safety.
In This Blog:
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) goes far beyond vanity or selfishness. It’s a deep pattern of behaviour built around:
Grandiosity: inflated self-importance and entitlement,
A need for admiration: craving constant attention and validation, and
A lack of empathy: struggling to understand or care about how others feel.
Many narcissists feel chronically empty, rejected, or inferior but rather than acknowledge these feelings, they externalise blame, control others, and seek constant affirmation. Their relationships become a stage on which to perform, dominate, or disappear entirely.
When they sense they’re losing control, or when a victim sets boundaries, they often activate others, the flying monkeys, to maintain power.
Who Are The Flying Monkeys?
Flying monkeys are the people who:
Deliver the narcissist’s messages,
Pressure the target to forgive, submit, or return, and
Spread disinformation, guilt, or threats.
This might look like:
Your sibling suddenly telling you, “He’s really hurting since you cut contact. Can’t you just talk to him?”
A shared friend who “just wants to stay neutral” but always ends up defending the narcissist.
A teacher or professional being manipulated into questioning your parenting.
Some flying monkeys are completely unaware of the harm they’re causing. Others know, and don’t care. Either way, they reinforce the narcissist’s control.
Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?
Let’s get to the heart of it, people become flying monkeys for many reasons, including:
Cognitive Dissonance
When someone you trust shares their experience of abuse, but the abuser appears charming in public, it leads to a troubling mental conflict. Your mind struggles to accept both realities - that this likable person can also be abusive behind closed doors.
It's simpler to ignore what doesn't align with our own observations. Accepting the truth would mean recognising that they have been deceived by an act, and that their judgment may be flawed. This realisation can be disconcerting.
So, instead of confronting that discomfort, many people unconsciously opt for the easier route - clinging to their initial impression and finding justifications for anything that contradicts it.
Codependency & People-Pleasing
Some flying monkeys genuinely hate confrontation and desperately want harmony at any cost. They'll pressure you to back down or "be the bigger person," thinking they're helping solve the problem when they're actually making you swallow more harm for the sake of their own comfort.
Unhealthy Loyalty or Trauma Bonds
Some people are deeply entangled with the narcissist through their own wounds or dysfunction. They might have experienced similar manipulation before, and being close to the narcissist gives them a twisted sense of importance or belonging. This connection feels safer than facing their own pain, so they fiercely protect it.
Intimidation & Self-Preservation
Some people align with the narcissist simply because they're scared of what happens if they don't. In families or tight-knit communities, they've seen the narcissist's retaliation firsthand and know the cost of crossing them. Supporting you feels too risky when they have their own safety or relationships to protect.
Even well-meaning friends can become unwitting accomplices in toxic dynamics.
Types of Flying Monkeys
Not all flying monkeys are cut from the same cloth. Here are four common types:
1. The Well-Meaning Bystander
They genuinely think they're helping by staying neutral or "seeing both sides." They have no idea they're being used as weapons and would probably be horrified to realise it.
2. The Conflict Avoider
They can sense something's off but choose to look the other way. Whether it's because they hate drama or they're too attached to the narcissist, they'd rather keep things smooth than dig deeper.
3. The Conscious Accomplice
They know exactly what's happening and don't care. Maybe they benefit from the arrangement, share the narcissist's twisted values, or simply enjoy watching you suffer.
4. The Devoted Follower
These are the most dangerous; they worship the narcissist and have completely bought into their version of reality. They'll attack you with the same tactics, believing they're fighting for something righteous.
How Flying Monkeys Help The Narcissist?
Flying monkeys serve many psychological and tactical functions:
Isolation: They subtly (or overtly) turn others against you.
Confusion: Their mixed messages and contradictory advice erode your reality.
Gaslighting: With enough voices echoing the narcissist’s version of events, you may begin to doubt your own.
Triangulation: They’re used to create tension, jealousy, or rivalry, keeping you off balance and easier to control.
This dynamic is not just emotional, it’s coercive control. It disrupts your nervous system, undermines your support system, and makes healing harder.
How to Protect Yourself
If you’re dealing with flying monkeys, you’re likely already exhausted. They come in waves: guilt trips, unsolicited advice, loyalty tests, subtle digs and often catch you off guard. You’re not here to win them over. You’re here to protect your nervous system and reclaim your clarity.
Here’s how:
1. Name the Pattern Without Minimising It
It feels almost ridiculous to say "I think they're being manipulated" - like you're being dramatic or paranoid. But that's exactly how it's supposed to feel. Narcissistic abuse thrives on making you question your own perceptions, keeping you in that foggy state where nothing feels clear.
But calling it what it is - flying monkey behaviour - changes everything. Suddenly, you're not dealing with misunderstandings or personal attacks. You're recognising a deliberate pattern, a tactic being used against you.
Try saying to yourself:
“They’re not neutral, they're repeating his story.”
“This isn't really about what happened at dinner, this is triangulation.”
“Feeling confused doesn't mean I'm wrong - it means someone's trying to confuse me.”
When you name what's happening, that swirling chaos in your head starts to settle. You're not crazy. You're not overreacting. You're seeing clearly.
2. Set and Hold Boundaries Even If It Feels Harsh
Flying monkeys often test your boundaries indirectly. They might:
“Just check in” on behalf of someone you’re avoiding
Pressure you to forgive or reconnect
Pretend to be neutral while pushing the narcissist’s agenda
You’re allowed to say:
“I’m not discussing this with you.” It shuts down the conversation without getting pulled into defending yourself.
“I can’t stay connected if you continue to bring them up.” This makes the consequence clear, it's not a threat, it's just reality.
“This relationship only works if it’s emotionally safe for me.” This puts your wellbeing first, which is exactly where it belongs.
The power in these statements is that they're not negotiable. You're not asking for permission or hoping they'll understand. You're simply stating the terms under which you can have a relationship with them - or not at all.
3. Use the Grey Rock or Yellow Rock Technique
When cutting contact completely isn't possible, like when you share kids or work together, emotional neutrality becomes your shield.
Grey Rock means becoming as interesting as a piece of concrete. You give short, factual responses with zero emotional charge. No drama to feed on, no reactions to exploit. You become profoundly boring.
Yellow Rock is the slightly softer version for when you need to stay professional or when being completely flat might backfire. You're still boundaried but maintain basic politeness, think calm and steady rather than cold.
Example response to a flying monkey:
“Thanks for your concern. That is private.”
“We're focusing on the kids, not rehashing old issues.”
“I'm not going to get into that.”
The key is practicing these responses beforehand. When someone ambushes you with manipulation, your emotions spike and clear thinking goes out the window. But if you've rehearsed your standard responses, you can deliver them on autopilot while your heart pounds. You stay in control even when they're trying to knock you off balance.
4. Guard Your Story, Even When You're Desperate to Be Heard
Flying monkeys collect information like weapons. When you're feeling isolated and misunderstood, it's natural to want to set the record straight or find someone who'll finally get it. But that urge can be dangerous - your words often get twisted, taken out of context, or delivered straight back to the narcissist.
Before you open up, ask yourself:
"Can this person actually hear me?"
"Where do my words go after I say them?"
Your pain, your perspective, your private struggles - these aren't for everyone. Save them for people who've proven they can hold them safely. A good therapist, friends who've consistently shown up for you, or even just your own journal. Those vulnerable parts of your story deserve protection, not to be scattered where they can be used against you.
The loneliness is real, but feeding it to the wrong people only makes it worse.
5. Permission to Pull Back - No Explanations Required
You don't owe anyone a relationship that hurts you. Not your sister, not your college roommate, not the family friend who's "always been there." If being around someone consistently leaves you feeling twisted up inside, questioning yourself, or walking on eggshells, that's your cue to step back.
You don't need to make a dramatic announcement or justify your decision. Sometimes it's as simple as responding less frequently, keeping conversations surface-level, or just being "busy" more often. A gentle fade can be kinder than a confrontation that goes nowhere.
The guilt will try to convince you that you're being mean or unfair. But protecting your peace isn't cruel - it's necessary.
You're not abandoning anyone; you're choosing yourself. And after everything you've been through, that choice is long overdue.
6. Calm Your Body Before You Speak
Flying monkey encounters hit you like a physical punch - your heart races, your stomach drops, you freeze up or want to explode. That's your nervous system screaming "danger!" even when you're just standing in someone's kitchen having what looks like a normal conversation.
Don't try to think your way out of that reaction. You need to calm your body first:
Feel your feet on the ground
Put a hand on your chest or stomach
Breathe slowly and deliberately - in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4
Remind yourself of something true: "I'm safe right now" or "I don't have to defend myself"
This isn't about being zen or spiritual. It's about getting out of survival mode so you can think clearly. When your body is flooded with stress hormones, your brain goes offline, and you'll either say things you regret or freeze up completely. A few deep breaths can be the difference between reacting from your wounds and responding from your wisdom.
7. Reality Check With Safe People
Narcissists are masters at making you feel like you're the only one who sees things "wrong." Flying monkeys make this worse by parroting the same distorted version of reality until you start wondering if maybe you are crazy.
Fight this with a connection to people who know you:
Vent to your therapist without needing to make it productive - sometimes you just need to be heard
Text a trusted friend: "I'm second-guessing myself again. Can you remind me what you've witnessed?"
Find your people in survivor groups, online forums, or support communities where your experience isn't questioned
You weren't meant to figure this out in isolation. Your nervous system heals through safe connection with others. When someone consistently sees you clearly and believes your reality, it anchors you back to the truth when everything else feels shaky.
Don't try to be strong enough to handle this alone. The whole point of their game is to cut you off from people who might validate what you're experiencing.
8. Stop Trying to Wake Them Up
The urge to make them see the truth is almost irresistible. You want to sit them down, lay out all the evidence, and watch the lightbulb finally go on. You think if you just explain it the right way, they'll understand and everything will click into place.
But here's the hard truth: most flying monkeys aren't confused - they're committed. They're not missing information; they're choosing a side. Whether it's out of fear, loyalty, or their own need to keep things comfortable, they've already decided where they stand.
Keep this in mind:
"You can't logic someone out of a position they didn't logic themselves into."
All that energy you're pouring into trying to convince them? It's energy stolen from your healing. You're trying to save relationships that are actively harming you while neglecting the one relationship that matters - the one with yourself.
Let them stay asleep. Your job is to stay awake.
9. You Don't Need Anyone's Permission to Protect Yourself
This might be the hardest truth to absorb, especially when you've been gaslit for so long. Flying monkey attacks leave deep wounds; they make you question your reality, feel ashamed for "causing drama," and grieve relationships you thought were real.
But underneath all that pain sits something unshakeable: your fundamental right to safety and peace.
You don't need to earn the right to be treated with respect. You don't need to prove you deserve boundaries. You don't need anyone's approval to trust your own experience, even when a chorus of voices tells you you're wrong.
Your dignity isn't a debate topic. Your well-being isn't up for a vote. You get to decide what feels safe for you, what relationships serve you, and what kind of life you want to build from here.
The people who truly matter will respect these choices. The ones who don't... well, they've shown you exactly who they are. Believe them, and choose yourself anyway.
Need support navigating narcissistic abuse and emotional manipulation?
I offer a safe, trauma-informed space to explore your experiences, honour your reality, and develop strategies that support your healing.📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Call: 0452 285 526
Or book a session here
Frequently Asked Questionss
1. What exactly is a "flying monkey"?
A flying monkey is someone the narcissist recruits to do their dirty work - spreading their version of events, pressuring you to reconcile, or making you feel isolated and crazy.
2. Do flying monkeys know they’re being used?
It varies. Some are completely clueless and think they're helping. Others know exactly what they're doing. Either way, the damage to you is real.
3. Can therapists, teachers or kids be flying monkeys?
Narcissists are skilled at playing the victim and can manipulate anyone who doesn't have the full story, including people in positions of authority.
4. What if a flying monkey is someone I care about?
This cuts the deepest. You might need to grieve the relationship you thought you had. It's completely valid to step back or pause contact, even if it hurts. Your safety comes first.
5. How do I protect myself in high-conflict situations like custody battles?
Keep everything factual and documented. Get legal help if you can. Work with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse patterns. Don't try to handle it alone.
6. How can I heal from the betrayal of flying monkeys?
Give yourself time, this stuff runs deep. Therapy helps, especially trauma-informed approaches. Finding your people, whether online or in person, reminds you that you're not crazy. Your body needs healing too, not just your mind.
