When People You Trust Become Weapons - Understanding Flying Monkeys

You set a boundary. You walked away. You finally said “enough".

And then the calls started. The messages. The concerned “check-ins" from people who weren't there, didn't see what happened, but somehow know exactly what you should do. Your sister says you're being too harsh. Your mutual friend thinks you're overreacting. Your own mother tells you to “be the bigger person".

Suddenly, you're not just dealing with one person anymore. You're surrounded by voices echoing the same message, all saying you're wrong, you're selfish, you need to fix this. And the worst part? Some of these people genuinely think they're helping.

This is what it feels like when narcissists deploy their flying monkeys.

The term might sound dramatic, even silly. But for survivors of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys describe a very real and deeply painful experience. They're the people,sometimes strangers, sometimes people you love, who become extensions of the narcissist's control, doing their bidding whether they realize it or not.

This isn't just frustrating. It's isolating, confusing, and can make you feel like you're losing your mind.

If You're Here Because...

You might be reading this because:

• People you trusted are suddenly pressuring you to reconcile with someone who hurt you

• Your family or friends keep repeating the narcissist's version of events

• You feel crazy because everyone else seems to believe their story, not yours

• You're being guilt-tripped for setting boundaries or going no contact

• Someone who “wasn't there" is telling you how you should handle things

• You feel attacked from multiple directions at once

• You're questioning whether you're the problem after all

• You need to know you're not imagining this pattern

If any of this resonates, you're in the right place. What follows will help you understand what's happening, why it happens, and how to protect yourself.

When the Attacks Come From All Sides

There's a particular kind of exhaustion that comes with flying monkey encounters. You block one person, and three more appear with the same message, just slightly rephrased. They pressure you to forgive someone who hasn't acknowledged the harm they caused. They tell you to “just talk to them" or “hear their side". They position themselves as peacemakers while asking you to swallow more pain for the sake of harmony.

Some deliver messages directly: “They're really struggling since you left." Others are more subtle, planting seeds of doubt: “Everyone's worried about you."

Translation: worried you won't comply. They tell you you're tearing the family apart, that you're being too sensitive, that surely it wasn't that bad.

And then there's the claim of neutrality. They insist they're “just trying to help" or “looking out for everyone." But somehow, their “neutral" stance always lands in the narcissist's favor. Somehow, you're always the one being asked to compromise, to be the bigger person, to let it go.

This makes you feel guilty for protecting yourself, confused about what actually happened, isolated from people you used to trust, and attacked from multiple sides at once. You start to wonder if maybe you are the problem. Maybe you are overreacting. Maybe everyone else sees something you don't.

If several of these patterns feel familiar, you're likely experiencing coordinated manipulation, not a series of misunderstandings.

The isolation you feel isn't accidental. It's manufactured.

What Narcissism Actually Is (And Why It Matters)

Before we go further, let's clarify what we're talking about. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn't just selfishness or vanity. It's a pervasive pattern of behavior built around three core features:

Grandiosity: An inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. They believe they deserve special treatment and that rules don't apply to them.

Need for admiration: A constant craving for attention, validation, and praise. They require an audience and cannot tolerate being ignored or dismissed.

Lack of empathy: A genuine inability or unwillingness to understand or care about how others feel. Your pain doesn't compute as real to them unless it serves their narrative.

Many narcissists feel chronically empty, rejected, or inferior beneath the surface. But rather than acknowledge these vulnerable feelings, they externalise blame, control others, and seek constant affirmation. Their relationships become stages on which to perform, dominate, or, when challenged, destroy.

When they sense they're losing control, or when a victim sets boundaries and walks away, they don't simply accept it. They activate others to do their work for them. They recruit flying monkeys.

Understanding this pattern isn't about diagnosing anyone. It's about recognising a system of control so you can navigate it safely.

Who Flying Monkeys Are (And Why They Get Involved)

Flying monkeys are the people who, knowingly or unknowingly, become the narcissist's agents. They deliver the narcissist's messages, pressure you to forgive or return, spread disinformation and guilt, and reinforce the narcissist's version of reality.

This might look like your sibling suddenly telling you that he's really hurting since you cut contact and can't you just talk to him? Or a mutual friend who insists on staying “neutral" but always ends up defending the narcissist. Sometimes it's a teacher, therapist, or professional being manipulated into questioning your judgment or parenting. Or extended family members who weren't present for the abuse but are certain you're “too sensitive."

Some flying monkeys are completely unaware of the harm they're causing. They genuinely think they're helping, mediating, or keeping the peace. They have no idea they're being weaponised and would probably be horrified to realise it. Others know exactly what they're doing and don't care. Either way, they reinforce the narcissist's control and leave you feeling more isolated and crazy.

Why People Become Flying Monkeys

People get recruited for various reasons, and understanding why can help you stop blaming yourself for their behavior:

1. Cognitive Dissonance

When someone shares their experience of abuse, but the abuser appears charming and reasonable in public, it creates mental conflict. The observer's brain struggles to hold both truths: this likable person is also abusive behind closed doors.

Accepting this reality would mean acknowledging they've been deceived, that their judgment was wrong, that they've been maintaining a relationship with someone dangerous. That's deeply uncomfortable.

So instead of sitting with that discomfort, many people unconsciously choose the easier path: they cling to their initial impression and find ways to dismiss anything that contradicts it. It's not malicious, it's self-protective. But it makes you the problem instead of the actual abuser.

2. Codependency & People-Pleasing

Some flying monkeys are terrified of conflict and desperately crave harmony at any cost. They'll pressure you to back down, forgive, or “be the bigger person", not because they believe it's right, but because your boundary creates tension they can't tolerate.

They think they're solving a problem. In reality, they're asking you to swallow more harm so they can feel comfortable again.

3. Trauma Bonds & Unhealthy Loyalty

Some people are deeply entangled with the narcissist through their own wounds or dysfunction. Perhaps they experienced similar manipulation before, or being close to the narcissist gives them a twisted sense of importance, purpose, or belonging.

This connection feels safer than facing their own pain, so they fiercely protect it, even at your expense. They're not choosing the narcissist over you consciously; they're choosing the familiar dysfunction over the terrifying unknown of healthy boundaries.

4. Fear & Self-Preservation

Some people align with the narcissist simply because they're scared of what happens if they don't. In families or tight-knit communities, they've witnessed the narcissist's retaliation firsthand. They know the cost of crossing them.

Supporting you feels too risky when they have their own safety, relationships, or peace of mind to protect. It's not about believing the narcissist's story, it's about survival.

Even well-meaning friends can become unwitting accomplices in toxic dynamics.

The Four Types of Flying Monkeys

Not all flying monkeys operate the same way. Recognising the type you're dealing with can help you respond more effectively.

1. The Well-Meaning Bystander

They genuinely believe they're helping by staying neutral or “seeing both sides." They have no idea they're being weaponised and would likely be horrified if they understood the full picture.

These flying monkeys often respond to education, if delivered gently and at the right time. But don't exhaust yourself trying to wake someone up who isn't ready to see.

2. The Conflict Avoider

They sense something's off but choose not to dig deeper. Whether it's because they hate drama, they're too attached to the narcissist, or they benefit from the status quo, they'd rather keep things smooth than confront reality.

They're not ignorant, they're wilfully blind. And that makes their participation more painful, because on some level, they know better.

3. The Conscious Accomplice

They know exactly what's happening and don't care. Maybe they benefit from the arrangement, share the narcissist's values, or simply enjoy watching you suffer.

These flying monkeys are dangerous because they're strategic. They understand the game and play it intentionally.

4. The Devoted Follower

These are often the most damaging. They worship the narcissist and have completely internalised their distorted worldview. They'll attack you with the same manipulation tactics, believing wholeheartedly that they're defending something righteous.

They're not just repeating the narcissist's narrative, they've made it their own. Trying to reason with them is like arguing with someone in a cult.

You're not required to save any of them. Your only job is to protect yourself.

How Flying Monkeys Serve the Narcissist's Agenda

Flying monkeys aren't just annoying, they serve specific tactical and psychological functions that keep the narcissist in control:

Isolation: They subtly (or overtly) turn others against you, cutting you off from support and validation. When everyone around you echoes the narcissist's story, you start to feel completely alone.

Confusion: Their mixed messages and contradictory advice erode your sense of reality. One day they're sympathetic, the next they're questioning your version of events. This keeps you destabilized and doubting yourself.

Gaslighting: When enough voices repeat the narcissist's distorted version of events, you may begin to question your own memory, perception, and sanity. "Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe I'm the problem."

Triangulation: They create tension, jealousy, or rivalry between people, keeping everyone off-balance and focused on each other instead of the narcissist's behavior.

Plausible Deniability: The narcissist gets to say, "I didn't do anything, other people are concerned about you too." They can harm you while maintaining their innocent, concerned façade.

This dynamic isn't just emotional manipulation, it's coercive control. It disrupts your nervous system, undermines your support network, and makes healing exponentially harder.

Your confusion isn't confusion. It's your body recognising that something is deeply wrong.

What You Need to Understand Before Moving Forward

Before we explore protection strategies, let's anchor some essential truths.

Flying monkeys are not neutral, even when they claim to be. Their involvement, intentional or not, causes real harm. You cannot logic them out of a position they didn't logic themselves into. Some will wake up eventually; others never will. And their understanding is not required for your boundaries to be valid.

You're not imagining a coordinated attack, this is a recognised pattern in narcissistic abuse dynamics. Your instinct to pull back from these people is protective, not paranoid. Feeling guilty for setting boundaries doesn't mean the boundaries are wrong. You don't need anyone's permission to protect yourself. Your reality is valid even when no one else witnesses or believes it.

Healing often requires stepping back from multiple relationships, not just one. Some people will never see what happened, and that's not your failure. You may grieve people who are still alive but no longer safe for you. Protecting yourself isn't cruelty, it's survival. The loneliness is temporary; the freedom is worth it.

How to Protect Yourself From Flying Monkeys

If you're dealing with flying monkeys, you're likely exhausted. They come in waves, guilt trips, unsolicited advice, loyalty tests, subtle digs, and often catch you off guard. Here's the truth: you're not here to win them over or wake them up. You're here to protect your nervous system and reclaim your clarity.

Part 1: Protect Your Reality

1. Name the Pattern Without Minimising It

It feels almost absurd to say “I think they're being manipulated", like you're being dramatic or paranoid. But that reaction is by design. Narcissistic abuse thrives on making you question your own perceptions, keeping you in a foggy state where nothing feels clear.

Calling it what it is, flying monkey behaviour, changes everything. Suddenly you're not dealing with personal attacks or misunderstandings. You're recognizing a deliberate pattern, a tactic being used against you.

Try saying to yourself:
"They're not neutral, they're repeating his story."
"This isn't about what happened at dinner, this is triangulation."
"Feeling confused doesn't mean I'm wrong. It means someone's trying to confuse me."

When you name what's happening, the swirling chaos in your head starts to settle. You're not crazy. You're not overreacting. You're seeing clearly.

2. Reality Check With Safe People

Narcissists are masters at making you feel like you're the only one who sees things “wrong". Flying monkeys amplify this by parroting the same distorted version of reality until you start wondering if maybe you are the problem.

Fight this with connection to people who actually know you:

• Vent to your therapist without needing to make it productive, sometimes you just need to be heard

• Text a trusted friend: “I'm second-guessing myself again. Can you remind me what you saw?"

• Find your people in survivor groups, online forums, or support communities where your experience isn't questioned

You weren't meant to figure this out in isolation. Your nervous system heals through safe connection with others. When someone consistently sees you clearly and believes your reality, it anchors you back to the truth when everything else feels shaky.

Don't try to be strong enough to handle this alone. The whole point of their game is to cut you off from people who might validate what you're experiencing.

Part 2: Protect Your Boundaries

3. Set and Hold Boundaries, Even If It Feels Harsh

Set and hold boundaries, even if it feels harsh. Flying monkeys often test your boundaries indirectly. They might “just check in" on behalf of someone you're avoiding, pressure you to forgive or reconnect, or pretend to be neutral while pushing the narcissist's agenda.

You're allowed to say: “I'm not discussing this with you." It shuts down the conversation without getting pulled into defending yourself. Or “I can't stay connected if you continue to bring them up." This makes the consequence clear, it's not a threat, it's reality.

Or “This relationship only works if it's emotionally safe for me." This puts your well-being first, which is exactly where it belongs.

The power in these statements is that they're not negotiable. You're not asking for permission or hoping they'll understand. You're simply stating the terms under which you can have a relationship with them or not at all.

4. Use Grey Rock or Yellow Rock Technique

When cutting contact completely isn't possible, like when you share children or work together, emotional neutrality becomes your shield.

Grey Rock means becoming as interesting as a piece of concrete. You give short, factual responses with zero emotional charge. No drama to feed on, no reactions to exploit. You become profoundly boring.

Yellow Rock is the softer version for when you need to stay professional or when being completely flat might backfire. You're still boundaried but maintain basic politeness, calm and steady rather than cold.

Example responses to flying monkeys:
”Thanks for your concern. That's private."
”We're focusing on the kids, not rehashing old issues."
”I'm not going to get into that."

The key is practicing these responses beforehand. When someone ambushes you with manipulation, your emotions spike and clear thinking disappears. But if you've rehearsed your standard responses, you can deliver them on autopilot while your heart pounds. You stay in control even when they're trying to knock you off balance.

5. You Have Permission to Pull Back, No Explanations Required

You don't owe anyone a relationship that hurts you. Not your sister, not your college roommate, not the family friend who's “always been there". If being around someone consistently leaves you feeling twisted up inside, questioning yourself, or walking on eggshells, that's your cue to step back.

You don't need to make a dramatic announcement or justify your decision. Sometimes it's as simple as responding less frequently, keeping conversations surface-level, or just being “busy" more often. A gentle fade can be kinder than a confrontation that goes nowhere.

The guilt will try to convince you that you're being mean or unfair. But protecting your peace isn't cruel, it's necessary.

You're not abandoning anyone. You're choosing yourself. And after everything you've been through, that choice is long overdue.

Part 3: Protect Your Nervous System

6. Calm Your Body Before You Respond

Flying monkey encounters hit you like a physical punch, your heart races, your stomach drops, you freeze up or want to explode. That's your nervous system screaming “danger!" even when you're just standing in someone's kitchen having what looks like a normal conversation.

Don't try to think your way out of that reaction. You need to calm your body first:

• Feel your feet on the ground

• Put a hand on your chest or stomach

• Breathe slowly and deliberately, in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4

• Remind yourself of something true: "“'m safe right now" or “I don't have to defend myself"

This isn't about being zen or spiritual. It's about getting out of survival mode so you can think clearly. When your body is flooded with stress hormones, your brain goes offline, and you'll either say things you regret or freeze up completely.

A few deep breaths can be the difference between reacting from your wounds and responding from your wisdom.

7. Guard Your Story, Even When You're Desperate to Be Heard

Flying monkeys collect information like weapons. When you're feeling isolated and misunderstood, it's natural to want to set the record straight or find someone who'll finally get it. But that urge can be dangerous, your words often get twisted, taken out of context, or delivered straight back to the narcissist.

Before you open up, ask yourself:
”Can this person actually hear me?"
”Where do my words go after I say them?"

Your pain, your perspective, your private struggles, these aren't for everyone. Save them for people who've proven they can hold them safely. A good therapist, friends who've consistently shown up for you, or even just your own journal.

Those vulnerable parts of your story deserve protection, not to be scattered where they can be used against you.

The loneliness is real. But feeding it to the wrong people only makes it worse.

Part 4: Let Go of Fixing Them

8. Stop Trying to Wake Them Up

The urge to make them see the truth is almost irresistible. You want to sit them down, lay out all the evidence, and watch the lightbulb finally go on. You think if you just explain it the right way, they'll understand and everything will click into place.

But here's the hard truth: most flying monkeys aren't confused, they're committed. They're not missing information; they're choosing a side. Whether it's out of fear, loyalty, or their own need to keep things comfortable, they've already decided where they stand.

Remember: You can't logic someone out of a position they didn't logic themselves into.

All that energy you're pouring into trying to convince them? It's energy stolen from your healing. You're trying to save relationships that are actively harming you while neglecting the one relationship that matters most, the one with yourself.

Let them stay asleep. Your job is to stay awake.

9. Your Dignity Isn't Up for Debate

This might be the hardest truth to absorb, especially when you've been gaslit for so long. Flying monkey attacks leave deep wounds, they make you question your reality, feel ashamed for “causing drama", and grieve relationships you thought were real.

But underneath all that pain sits something unshakeable: your fundamental right to safety and peace.

You don't need to earn the right to be treated with respect. You don't need to prove you deserve boundaries. You don't need anyone's approval to trust your own experience, even when a chorus of voices tells you you're wrong.

Your dignity isn't a debate topic. Your wellbeing isn't up for a vote. You get to decide what feels safe for you, what relationships serve you, and what kind of life you want to build from here.

The people who truly matter will respect these choices. The ones who don't? Well, they've shown you exactly who they are.

Believe them. And choose yourself anyway.

When Flying Monkeys Are In Positions of Power

Sometimes flying monkeys aren't just friends or family, they're teachers, therapists, lawyers, or other professionals who hold power over important aspects of your life. This makes the situation exponentially more complex and potentially dangerous.

Narcissists are skilled at playing the victim and can manipulate anyone who doesn't have the full story, including people in positions of authority. They present as the reasonable one, the concerned parent, the wronged partner. And because these professionals haven't witnessed the abuse firsthand, they often believe the performance.

If you're dealing with this:

• Document everything: Keep records of interactions, communications, and incidents in writing

• Stay factual: Don't get emotional in professional settings if you can help it, present facts, timelines, evidence

• Get your own support: Work with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse patterns

• Seek legal help if needed: Especially in custody battles or workplace situations

• Find specialists: Look for professionals who specifically understand domestic abuse and manipulation tactics

• Don't try to handle it alone: This is too much for one person to navigate

The system isn't always fair, and sometimes the narcissist wins in the short term. But documentation, professional support, and consistency in your truth will serve you over time.

The Grief of Losing People Who Are Still Alive

One of the most painful aspects of dealing with flying monkeys is that you often have to grieve people you love, people who are still alive but are no longer safe for you to be around.

This is a unique kind of loss. There's no funeral, no condolence cards, no socially recognized space to mourn. People might tell you to “just reach out" or “give it time," not understanding that the separation itself is an act of survival.

You might grieve:

• The relationship you thought you had

• The person you believed they were

• The future you imagined with them in it

• The family gatherings that feel impossible now

• The version of yourself who could still hope they'd understand

This grief is real and it deserves to be honoured. Give yourself permission to feel it fully, even without death. The relationship you had, or hoped to have, has ended. That deserves to be mourned.

You're not being dramatic. You're responding appropriately to loss.

How to Heal From Flying Monkey Betrayal

Healing from this particular wound takes time. It runs deep—not just because of what the flying monkeys did, but because of what it reveals about relationships you thought were solid.

Give yourself time: This stuff doesn't resolve quickly. Be patient with your own process.

Work with a trauma-informed therapist: Especially one who understands narcissistic abuse patterns and complex family dynamics.

Find your people: Whether online or in person, connecting with others who've experienced this reminds you that you're not crazy. Your body needs that validation.

Grieve what you've lost: Don't rush past the sadness or minimize it. These relationships mattered to you, and losing them hurts.

Rebuild your sense of reality: Your nervous system needs consistent experiences of being believed, being safe, and being supported.

Practice self-compassion: You did nothing wrong. You were targeted by a system designed to make you doubt yourself.

Your body needs healing, not just your mind. Be gentle with both.

You're Not Alone In This

If you're reading this and recognizing your own experience, please know: thousands of people have walked this path. Many have found their way through and rebuilt lives where they don't have to defend their reality or shrink themselves to keep the peace.

You deserve support that believes you, boundaries that protect you, and relationships where you don't have to prove you're worthy of basic respect.

Need Support Navigating This?

If you’re navigating the fallout from these patterns, where reality feels confused, support feels distant, and boundaries feel fraught, compassionate support can help you distinguish influence from truth, protect your nervous system, and rebuild clarity. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

📧 Email: kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 Phone: 0452 285 526