When Emotions Run High: Emotional Immaturity in Action
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally drained, like somehow you became the problem for simply sharing a need or setting a gentle boundary?
If that feels familiar, especially with certain people or in specific relationships, you may have encountered emotional immaturity in action.
In a previous blog, I talked about what it’s like to grow up with emotionally immature parents and how that can shape our emotional world. This post continues that thread, focusing on how emotional immaturity can show up during everyday interactions, especially during conflict, and what you can do to protect your well-being when it does.
Table of Contents
What Is Emotional Immaturity?
Emotional immaturity is not related to age or intelligence, but to emotional regulation skills and how well someone manages difficult emotions. Both their own and the emotions of others. People who struggle with this may find it hard to stay calm, have honest conversations, or show up with care when feelings are intense.
Instead, they may fall back on protective behaviours that helped them cope in the past, like shutting down, blaming others, or avoiding difficult emotions altogether. These reactions often come from earlier experiences of feeling overwhelmed, criticised, or emotionally alone.
Noticing these patterns in others isn’t about labelling or judging them. It’s about recognising what your body may already be telling you: this person struggles to stay emotionally present.
Read more about how childhood experiences shape these emotional patterns here → Unpacking Childhood Trauma and Its Impact)
Commanding attention, avoiding reflection. Sometimes the loudest presence hides the most fragility.
6 Signs of Emotional Immaturity
These aren’t clinical labels, they’re patterns that can give you clues. Often, they reflect someone feeling emotionally overwhelmed and not quite sure how to manage their feelings or needs in a way that feels safe.
1. The Shutdown: “I’m fine” (But everything says otherwise)
You bring up something tender or important and suddenly they fall silent. No eye contact. No reaction. The mood shifts, and before you know it, you feel the pressure to smooth things over.
Emotionally immature people often tend to shut down when they feel overwhelmed. In this way, they avoid emotional communication by remaining silent.
This kind of silence can be their coping strategy, especially when they feel overwhelmed, exposed, or emotionally unsafe. But it can make others feel confused, responsible or even rejected.
Gentle reminder: Emotional maturity isn’t about finding the right words; it’s about being willing to stay present in the face of discomfort in order to maintain connection with the other person. Silence doesn’t always mean being calm; sometimes it’s self-protection in disguise.
Try this: Ground yourself. You don’t have to rush in to fix it or take on their silence. Stay calm within yourself while you process what they need to.
(Read more about setting boundaries here → Setting Healthy Boundaries: A Guide to Respectful Relationships)
2. Outbursts Without Repair
A small disagreement suddenly turns into yelling, name-calling, or a slammed door. The next day? Nothing. It’s like it never happened.
This can feel confusing and hurtful, like your feelings were wiped away.
Gentle reminder: When someone doesn’t know how to calm themselves down or reflect on their actions, they might blow up and then move on without taking responsibility.
Try this: If it feels safe, gently name what happened: “That was intense for me, and I’m not ready to move on without talking about it.” It’s okay to take space until you feel emotionally safe again; you have a right to that.
3. When You’re the One Comforting Them
You share something that hurt or didn’t sit right with you, and suddenly they spiral, maybe saying things like, “I guess I’m just a terrible person”. Before you know it, you’re the one doing the comforting, and what you needed to say gets lost.
This isn’t a real connection, it’s a role reversal. You end up looking after their feelings instead of being able to express your own.
Gentle reminder:
For some people, being told something hard can feel like a threat to their self-worth. But you can care about someone without carrying their emotional response.
Try this: Gently bring it back: “This really matters to me, and I’d like you to hear what I’m saying”.
You’re allowed to voice your concerns without fixing their feelings.
(To find out more about emotional emptiness, have a look here → Feeling Empty Inside: Understanding Emotional Emptiness)
4. Sarcasm Instead of Honesty
Instead of saying what’s wrong, they make cutting jokes, roll their eyes, or act distant. The tension is obvious, but nothing is said directly.
Gentle reminder: Sometimes people use humour or sarcasm to express hurt when it doesn’t feel safe to speak openly. But this kind of communication can feel confusing and hurtful.
Try this: Trust your gut. If it feels like a dig, it probably is. “I’d rather talk about things directly than through jokes” sets a clear tone for the kind of connection you want.
5. Big Reactions to Small Requests
You ask for something small, some help, a bit of space, or a boundary, and their reaction is overwhelming. Anger, tears, withdrawal. Suddenly, you’re questioning if you were out of line.
Gentle reminder: Some people find any request threatening if they’ve never learned that relationships can handle honesty and mutual support.
Try this: Stay firm: “It’s okay if this is uncomfortable to hear, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong”. Their big reaction doesn’t mean your need was too much.
6. “That’s Not What Happened”
You say, “That hurt me”.
They say, “You’re wrong”, or “That’s not what happened”.
Instead of curiosity or care, you get blame or denial. It’s a disorienting moment, like your reality is being pushed aside.
Gentle reminder:
Some people struggle to hear another person’s pain without feeling like they’re being attacked. It can feel safer for them to deny what happened than to face the possibility that they caused harm.
Try this: Stay calm and grounded. “You might see it differently, but I know how it felt to me.”
You’re allowed to speak your experience, even if they can’t acknowledge it.
How to Stay Grounded When Others Can't
This is hard work and also powerful work. Emotional maturity doesn’t mean being the “bigger person” in a way that enables poor behaviour. It means choosing to stay connected to your values and integrity, even when others can’t meet you there.
Here’s what that might look like:
Taking care of your nervous system when things get tense. Use your breath, take pauses, and come back to your body.
Setting clear boundaries without guilt.
Letting go of the pressure to fix everything. If you’re doing all the emotional work, something’s off balance.
Allowing yourself to grieve. It’s okay to feel sadness for the relationship you wish existed.
This Isn't About Blame
Emotionally immature behaviours often come from people’s painful pasts. That doesn’t excuse the impact, but it can help us understand why these patterns happen.
If you’ve been in a close relationship with someone like this, whether a parent, partner, or friend, you might still hold onto hope that one day they’ll meet you with care and calm. It’s okay to long for that. But your healing doesn’t have to wait.
You don’t have to hold your breath or shrink yourself to feel safe. You don’t have to give up your needs to keep the peace.
If This Resonates...
It’s okay to want more from your relationships, to ask for kindness, reflection, and honesty, and to protect your peace when those things aren’t available.
If you’re noticing these patterns and want support making sense of them, you’re not alone.
I work with people learning to relate differently to themselves, others, and their past. If that feels right for you, please feel free to reach out.
You’re allowed to be seen, heard, and valued exactly as you are.
You’re allowed to grow, even if others don’t.
If you’re navigating relationships where emotional immaturity plays a role, past or present, I’m here to support you.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 0452 285 526
