Why You Still Love Them: Understanding Love, Trauma Bonds & Abusive Relationships
One of the most common questions I hear from clients is:
“Why do I still love my partner? They’ve hurt me so badly, but part of me still loves them.”
This question often comes with shame, confusion, or guilt:
"My friends don’t understand why I still have feelings for them."
"I know I should leave, but I can’t stop loving them."
The emotional struggle between love and pain is heartbreaking and deeply human.
In this blog, we explore why this happens and why the path out of abuse is far from simple.
Navigating the complexities of love and trauma bonds.
The Illusion of Love
Abuse rarely begins with cruelty. Most abusers are initially charming, affectionate, and even intense in their attentiveness. This early stage is often called love-bombing, an overwhelming outpouring of attention designed to win your trust.
It can feel magical, like being seen and cherished in a way you’ve always longed for. But it’s often not sustainable.
Over time, red flags begin to show: jealousy disguised as protectiveness, pressure to spend all your time with them, and overreactions followed by apologies. It can all be confused for passion. And because those early memories were so powerful, it becomes easy to cling to the idea that the “real” version of them is the kind, loving one, not the one who hurts you.
Recognising the Red Flags
It’s important to understand what some early warning signs might look like. This checklist is not exhaustive; it’s meant as a gentle guide to help you name patterns that can be hard to notice when you’re deeply involved in a relationship.
It’s not about ticking every box or creating hypervigilance. Nor is it about feeling falsely reassured if you don’t recognise many signs. Instead, it’s about increasing awareness with kindness toward yourself and your unique experience.
Here’s a list of common red flags that often show up in unhealthy or abusive relationships. You might recognise some of these in your own story.
Relationship Red Flags Checklist
Many early signs of abuse can be subtle, hidden behind humour, concern, or even love. Let’s look closer at some of these first warning signals that often go unnoticed but can deeply affect your sense of self and well-being.
The First Signs of Abuse
The First Signs of Abuse
Abuse rarely arrives in dramatic, unmistakable ways. More often, it creeps in quietly, hidden behind seemingly small behaviours that slowly chip away at your confidence, sense of safety, and self-worth.
These early signs can be confusing because they often come wrapped in humour, concern, or affection. You might notice:
Backhanded compliments that sound like praise but actually undermine you: “You’re great, but maybe you should lose a little weight.”
Jokes at your expense are dismissed as “just teasing,” leaving you feeling hurt or embarrassed.
Subtle criticism or control, such as questioning your choices, isolating you from friends or family, or monitoring your time and actions.
Gaslighting-like comments that make you doubt your memories or feelings: “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things.”
These behaviours may seem minor alone, but over time, they create an environment where you second-guess yourself and feel less able to trust your own experience. You might find yourself rationalising their actions or minimising how much it affects you.
This gradual erosion is intentional; it softens your boundaries and deepens your emotional investment, making it harder to recognise the harm or to reach out for help.
Recognising these early signs is vital because they often set the stage for more serious abuse later. You deserve to know what healthy respect and kindness look like, and you deserve to feel safe and valued. Always.
The Cycle of Abuse
Abusive relationships often follow a recognisable pattern:
Tension → Outburst → Apology/Reconciliation → Calm → Repeat
Each apology reignites hope. Each calm phase feels like the person you fell for has returned. And so the cycle continues, often escalating over time. You start walking on eggshells, scanning for danger, and blaming yourself for their moods.
This cycle conditions your nervous system to expect pain and cling to brief moments of peace as proof that things are getting better.
Trauma Bonds: Why You Can’t Let Go
Trauma bonding occurs when abuse is interspersed with affection and reconciliation. The unpredictability strengthens the emotional bond, like an intense rollercoaster that becomes addictive.
You may rationalise:
“They didn’t mean it.”
“They had a hard childhood.”
“If I can just love them better, it will stop.”
Trauma bonding confuses intensity with intimacy. It trains your brain to equate emotional chaos with love. And that confusion can keep you hooked, even when part of you knows something isn’t right.
When Compassion Keeps You Trapped
Many survivors are deeply empathic. You may see your partner’s pain and want to help them heal. Maybe they’ve shared their own trauma. Maybe you believe that love means patience, understanding, and standing by someone through hardship.
But your compassion is not a cure. You cannot heal someone who refuses to take responsibility. Abuse is not a wound you can love someone out of. You can care deeply about their suffering and still protect yourself.
The Pressure to Stay
Society romanticises endurance. We’re told that love means sacrifice, loyalty, and never giving up. You might hear:
“Relationships take work.”
“You just have to try harder.”
You might even tell yourself that leaving is a failure. That you didn’t try hard enough.
But staying in an abusive relationship isn’t strength - it’s survival. And leaving isn’t failure - it’s courage.
Fear of Being Alone
Abusers often exploit your deepest fears:
"No one else will love you like I do.”
“You’re lucky to have me.”
They may isolate you, control your finances, or undermine your confidence until you begin to believe these messages.
Fear of being alone is valid. But being alone is never as painful as staying where you are being harmed. Freedom may feel terrifying, but it also makes healing possible.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance happens when you hold two conflicting truths at once:
“They hurt me. But I love them.”
To ease this discomfort, your brain may distort one of the truths. You minimise the abuse. You hold onto the good moments. You wait for a change.
But those two things, harm and love, can coexist. And recognising that doesn’t make you weak. It makes you honest.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that makes you question your reality. You may hear:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re imagining things.”
Over time, gaslighting chips away at your trust in yourself. You may start to rely on the abuser for clarity, further deepening the power imbalance.
But your memory, your instincts, and your experience matter. You are not imagining it.
Isolation
Abuse thrives in silence and separation. Many survivors find themselves distanced from loved ones, discouraged from reaching out, or subtly (or overtly) told that others are the problem.
The more isolated you become, the harder it is to access support or even see the relationship clearly.
Reconnection is a form of resistance. Even one honest conversation with a safe person can begin to shift things.
Fear of Change
Leaving an abusive relationship often means facing:
Financial uncertainty
Legal or custody challenges
Visa or safety concerns
A future you can’t yet picture
These are real and valid fears. You don’t need to dismiss them, but you also don’t have to face them alone. Support, planning, and compassionate help can make that leap feel more possible.
The Impact on Self-Worth
Abusers often externalise blame:
“You made me do this.”
“If you weren’t so... I wouldn’t have to...”
Over time, these messages become internalised. You might start to believe that you’re difficult. Unlovable. Broken.
But you are not the cause of someone else’s cruelty. And you are not too much, too sensitive, or too complicated to be loved well.
Why You're Not to Blame
You did not cause the abuse. You cannot fix someone who does not want to change. And your love is not a reason to stay in harm's way.
Choosing yourself is not selfish. It’s healing. It’s brave. It’s a beginning.
Moving Forward
If any of this resonates, please know:
You can love someone and still choose to leave. You can feel confused and be clear about what you need. You can be compassionate and say: No more.
You deserve safety. You deserve peace. You deserve love that doesn’t hurt.
Related Blogs You Might Find Helpful:
Understanding Trauma Bonds: Why You Miss Someone Who Hurt You
Are You Being ‘Breadcrumbed’? What Gen Z Slang Reveals About Emotional Abuse
You’re not alone. You’re not too much. You’re not imagining it. You are worthy of safety and real love.
If you'd like to speak with someone about what you're going through, I’m here.
📧 kat@safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
📞 0452 285 526
🌐 www.safespacecounsellingservices.com.au
